Having a really hard time...

[MrBond]

Unless you answer the questions above no one is going to be able to help you. So again...

How would you feel if there were another man?
What were the specific problems she had with you in terms of the M? She wanted you out of the house pretty quick, why is that?
How often does she call you? What do you two talk about? Why can't you call her also?

[Denver_2010]

Unless you answer the questions above no one is going to be able to help you. So again...

How would you feel if there were another man?
What were the specific problems she had with you in terms of the M? She wanted you out of the house pretty quick, why is that?
How often does she call you? What do you two talk about? Why can't you call her also?

Bond is just trying to help Next. He's trying to get some more info on your situation and you keep dodging specific answers to his specific questions.

We know that you 'hope' that there isn't OM, but how would you FEEL if you found out that there was?

and the other q's...

[dbmod]

Hi next--

What were your wife's complaints? What is the difference in you from the time you both fell in love and now that she wants the divorce?

I don't think what you need to focus on is the logistics of the divorce, but you need to seriously address the issues that caused the divorce. One thing that concerns me is if you were leaving her lonely before, being too laissez-faire (sp) may be just more of the same? Is that what was going on?

You will most likely have to test the waters from time to time by contacting her.

Even though there are a lot of posts here, I think we need more information about the interactions in your relationship to really try to help.

[what next?]

replying from my phone is a little sketchy lol

[what next?]

I don't know how I would feel if there was another male. I think part of me would feel relieved because I would have some reason why she was wanting out so badly. I would be hurt because she let someone else into her heart. I don't know what else to say...

Her problem with me is that she felt like I was overwhelming her when we discussed anything. She felt like she wasn't able to be herself because I am dominant. But she is passive... I think this story is pretty analogous to our whole life

I say "where do you want to go eat?"
she says "i don't know"
I say "how about x, y, z?"
she says "no"
i say "those are the only places to eat in town"
she says "FINE X"

I always tried to get her input but she was indecisive and passive. Even now I think that she is letting her parents tell her what she needs to do. I could tell that she was hurting and I tried to get her to come out of her shell and be confident in herself. I didn't like making every decision that we ever had to make but I feel like I always tried to make the right decision for us when I was called to. Now she resents me because she isn't happy with herself. She is blaming me for all of he insecurities or regrets and thinking that if she packs them in a bag and let's me walk out the door with it then she will be the perfect person she wants to be. That's why I feel like she needs to be alone and realize that she is the person that she is. Leaving me isn't going to make her wonder woman. I specifically saw her passiveness as something she needed to work on and tried to help her with it.

An example of that is before she dropped the bomb we were listening to something political on the radio and after the story I asked her what she thought about it. She said "idk, whatever you think" ... i'm like "DON'T DO THAT lol"

Trust me, I have spent a lot of time trying to understand if all of her accusations have merit and some do but a lot of them don't. I know to only believe half of what I see and none of what I hear but it's hard to know how to address what I need to work on when she is so irrational.

I agree, I need to open up a dialog with her but I really don't know how. That's what I would like to figure out.

I don't think that she wanted me out of the house quickly but she was in a rush to get the divorce going once she dropped the bomb. We spent about a month still sleeping in the same bed but I was too obsessive and needed to give her space so I moved into the spare bedroom... then my sister suggested that we separate (vs divorce) but I never really was able to stay away enough to give her real space. Then she decided that she was going to file and when she decided that I moved out on my own. The next week I read DB (had already ordered it)

There were a lot of little factors that led to the split but I think the main one on my end was my anxiety. I didn't realize how badly it was affecting me until I got it treated and I only got it treated on accident (I went to the doc for xanax because I was having constant panic attacks and they put me on lexapro) as the symptoms started to leave me I could tell how much the anxiety was controlling me in a lot of ways.

She doesn't call me. We are only talking over email and I prefer it that way. I'm just not capable yet of hearing her tone of voice be so nonchalant. It breaks me down just reading it... I know I couldn't handle hearing it lol.

But I would like to email her and if you guys have an idea of how I could approach that that would be great.

[what next?]

I would say that I was a much better husband over the past 5 years than I was the first 5 years. I didn't have a good role model for a husband growing up and I had to learn a lot along the way but I feel like I got better at it.

My wife's complaints are all over the map. She is in a pretty dark place I think and she is seeing everything in the negative.

I told her every single day that we were married "you are my favorite. I love you more than anything and there is nothing that I wouldn't do for you" When I told her that after she dropped the bomb she said "then why did you make fun of the way I roller skate?" I mean... how do I even respond to that? I teased her when we went roller skating once so now I am bad? No experience has ever made me this humbled though. I looked at myself and my interactions with everyone to see how I could be a better person or how I was failing in any way. One thing that I have felt good about is how many people have told me that I am a good person and they think she is having a mental breakdown. She has had one before (about a year before I met her) when she was in college. She had real bad depression and stayed in bed crying all day for a month or two. She got put on anti depressants for that and when I asked her if she thought she needed anything like that now she said, "I'm NOT crazy" ...which I don't understand because she should know as well as anyone that being depressed doesn't make you crazy.

She really doesn't have any truly close friends and her parents are her only family in the state. I think that at some point she is going to resent them for all of the control that they have assumed over her through this and if I'm gone with that happens she will be alone. I can't do anything about that though unless she can be willing to open back up to me.

[Denver_2010]

Next - I think what everyone is trying to figure out with you is whether or not you have any passion about your situation. I'm really not trying to beat you up here, but the tone of all of your posts is just negative and passionless. Even in your answer about how you would feel if you found out that there were OM, you didn't show much passion.

Just my two cents, but maybe this is the ingredient that you are missing here. Bond has advised you multiple times to be strong, confident and show W that you are willing to STAND for what's important. Specifically, not being so nonchalant about the D legal process. I think that the point he making, and please correct me Bond if I am incorrect, is that women want to see strong, confident men who are willing to fight for what is important to them. I don't know that you can do that without pulling yourself up from this the hell of your situation and becoming passionate about what YOU want.

If you start showing a little passion about what is going on with D process and everything else, even little things, maybe especially little things, your W will start to take notice. That is how you are going to start to turn this thing around Next.

Again, not trying to beat you up. Really. I don't think that anyone would be spending there time posting on your thread if they didn't care. Me included.

Denver

[Queen_of_Swords]

What next...I have an observation that might be valuable to you. You wife commenting on the fact that you criticized the way she rollerskates indicates to me, that in her subconcious mind she believes she is valued for what she does, not who she is.
Her own value to herself is in the doing not in just being. My guess is that's how she got affirmation, praise and attention as a child, along with a lot of criticism and perfectionism. Her self esteem is really in the toilet.

You can turn that around, it will take months, and perhaps if you're DB'ing right now it may have to wait until after you're reconciled.

[Xabian]

Wow What Next. Your description of your wife's passiveness...and insecurity...is eerily like mine.

Scylla's comments is bang on in that regard and i in my case i see the MIL being responsible for the criticism versus affirmation turmoil W was brought up in. She was brought up (and thought this when i met her) the she was a princess and perfect and probably expected this childhood affirmation process to continue into her adult years. To this day MIL will criticize or scold her on something (like a haircut) and it will bother my W greatly. W's self esteem has been in the toilet and she see's separating from me as a way to get it back. Sounds similar to your situation.

[what next?]

Yeah, and she has been REALLY interested in pleasing her parents lately. She started going to church again this summer and I am agnostic so I suggested that we could go to the Unitarian Church together. She laughed and scoffed "Yeah, that would really piss off my parents" ...I'm like... you're 32 what difference does that make? But it's obvious that something has snapped inside her and she is wanting to be the person that they put so much pressure on her to be.

I have never seen her and her mom fight really but they did a lot when she was in high school. I know that her parents were super over protective of her and that was why she decided to go to college out of state but then she had her breakdown in her junior year there.

She emailed me today asking if my check situation had been straightened out and I replied keeping it light and telling her a bit about Houston (I'm here for 2 weeks) Asked her to do me the favor of looking through my mail to see if another check had come.

The reason that I seem so passionless about the divorce is because I am accepting that it will happen (legally at least) I am convinced that fighting with her on it will only push her away because I told her specifically that I would do anything for her and that if that meant divorcing her so that she could have space I would do that. I can't tell her every day that there is nothing that I wouldn't do for her but then tell her that I won't do that. Although I think that might be what Meatloaf was talking about lol.

I am trying to prepare my brain to accept the fact that my marriage might be over. I have to live in two worlds and it's extremely difficult for me. I have to do what is best for me because there may already be no more us. I hope that that isn't the case but I have no way of knowing.