Having a really hard time...

[what next?]

I don't know how I would feel if there was another male. I think part of me would feel relieved because I would have some reason why she was wanting out so badly. I would be hurt because she let someone else into her heart. I don't know what else to say...

Her problem with me is that she felt like I was overwhelming her when we discussed anything. She felt like she wasn't able to be herself because I am dominant. But she is passive... I think this story is pretty analogous to our whole life

I say "where do you want to go eat?"
she says "i don't know"
I say "how about x, y, z?"
she says "no"
i say "those are the only places to eat in town"
she says "FINE X"

I always tried to get her input but she was indecisive and passive. Even now I think that she is letting her parents tell her what she needs to do. I could tell that she was hurting and I tried to get her to come out of her shell and be confident in herself. I didn't like making every decision that we ever had to make but I feel like I always tried to make the right decision for us when I was called to. Now she resents me because she isn't happy with herself. She is blaming me for all of he insecurities or regrets and thinking that if she packs them in a bag and let's me walk out the door with it then she will be the perfect person she wants to be. That's why I feel like she needs to be alone and realize that she is the person that she is. Leaving me isn't going to make her wonder woman. I specifically saw her passiveness as something she needed to work on and tried to help her with it.

An example of that is before she dropped the bomb we were listening to something political on the radio and after the story I asked her what she thought about it. She said "idk, whatever you think" ... i'm like "DON'T DO THAT lol"

Trust me, I have spent a lot of time trying to understand if all of her accusations have merit and some do but a lot of them don't. I know to only believe half of what I see and none of what I hear but it's hard to know how to address what I need to work on when she is so irrational.

I agree, I need to open up a dialog with her but I really don't know how. That's what I would like to figure out.

I don't think that she wanted me out of the house quickly but she was in a rush to get the divorce going once she dropped the bomb. We spent about a month still sleeping in the same bed but I was too obsessive and needed to give her space so I moved into the spare bedroom... then my sister suggested that we separate (vs divorce) but I never really was able to stay away enough to give her real space. Then she decided that she was going to file and when she decided that I moved out on my own. The next week I read DB (had already ordered it)

There were a lot of little factors that led to the split but I think the main one on my end was my anxiety. I didn't realize how badly it was affecting me until I got it treated and I only got it treated on accident (I went to the doc for xanax because I was having constant panic attacks and they put me on lexapro) as the symptoms started to leave me I could tell how much the anxiety was controlling me in a lot of ways.

She doesn't call me. We are only talking over email and I prefer it that way. I'm just not capable yet of hearing her tone of voice be so nonchalant. It breaks me down just reading it... I know I couldn't handle hearing it lol.

But I would like to email her and if you guys have an idea of how I could approach that that would be great.