Rough night tonight. My D8 tells me over the phone that she met OM and his sons yesterday. W says she didn't know he was going to be there. Apparently he was introduced as W's friend, who was also there.
I'm really not sure how to feel about this. W didn't tell me last night when I called to say goodnight to the kids. Do I stop goodnight calls? Talking to W right now is too painful.
Oh buddy ... this bites. And I get it, cause I've been where you now stand. My stbxH even had a convo with me about NOT exposing the kids, just days before he did while I was out of town. Right now you can not have any expectations of your W, including the decisions she makes with regards to the kids (within reason - if they aren't in physical danger, she's going to have a right to parent "her way" on "her time"). This is probably one of the hardest things for us recovering control freaks, wrapping our heads around this reality. It has been for me. For me, I had to stop using the term co-parenting ... it implied co-operation. Instead I think of it as parallel parenting. Separate paths, same objective ... the best we can for our kids, in our way on our time.
Those good night call mean the world to YOUR KIDS. Sometimes this isn't about you or your W. Sometimes you have to do what's right even when it rips the guts right out of you. How do you think they would feel if those calls stopped? Do you think they would understand your reasons and motivations, however healthy and just? Do what you can to limit the interaction with your W if you need to, do not engage in conversation with her, simply ask for you babies and say good night. Do not have her take the phone again when they are done. Don't ever forget how much our children internalize and interpret without sharing it with us. And no, I'm not trying to guilt you ... just a reminder from one parent of young, struggling kids to another.
Originally Posted By: crushednstuck
Also, how do I now treat W's friend who's the only friend who knows about OM? She is apparently supportive of W's actions. Our kids are very close because W isn't capable of doing anything alone with my kids.
My advice? Business-like. Again, for the kids, your children do not need to lose their friends in the midst of this carnival ride. Peer support is very important to kids. That being said, no one says you have to maintain a friendship with this woman, pre-arranged playdates by text or email, drop offs or a book to read while they play are all ok!
Originally Posted By: crushednstuck
I'm looking for some wisdom because I am doing everything I can to fight off the rage.
Yup. Rage. Deal ... process ... and find an outlet ... I know you have some issues with injuries and stuff so maybe you have to get creative. Hammer nails into boards. A punching bag. Break old dishes. Burn stuff in a bonfire or a fireplace. Different strokes for different folks.
You are doing ok ... keep on truckin'
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Thanks for the perspective PEI. I guess it's easy to get caught up in the damage our spouses are doing to our kids - not realizing that we can actually do harm ourselves.
Had a "woe is me moment". Better now. I'm just trying to formulate new boundaries during this iteration of DBing, since the others have left me in a similar spot to the one I started in.
There's also part of me dreading the other shoe dropping... She's warming the kids up for her move in with OM.
M / W: 43 D8 S6 M 10 years / T 13 years W admitted EA/PA: 10.6.09 Separated in same house 10.6.09 W moved out 2.27.10
One shi***y week last week. Tuesday W went off about the kids being unsupervised at an evening church meeting I attended.
Wednesday she engaged and baited me with kid talk. I stupidly took the bait following the intro of the OM to kids and her accusations about me neglecting them. I didn't argue. I kept an even tone and said that I was still here. She formally trotted out the ILYBINILWY and I mistakenly disputed her version of events because she finally got the best of me.
I want my money back from her therapist because she is in the same place she was when she dropped the bomb 16 months ago. I have realized this is likely the place she was in when we met 13 years ago. She's full of anger and hurt. I feel sorry for her until she lashes out at me and accuses me of being a bad father.
I set a casual meeting for my nonprofit board at a restaurant on a night when I didn't have my kids. She had one of her many night meetings for work which I missed on the new calendar and she assumed I'd take the kids for her. I have made a point to do this for every hair and nail appointment she's had as well as her work meetings, but I couldn't get out of this important meeting I set up.
She texts the following day calling me a liar. She apparently saw an ad for a ladies wine night at the bar that same night. There was wine, but no ladies. She followed with 'you'd rather not be with your kids'(assuming I was bar hopping), which infuriated me. I emailed her saying that my meeting went well with 12 other board members and attached the trailing email with my invite and several RSVPs from the week prior - as evidence of my legitimate meeting.
Of course, no apology. The new year seems to have amped up her efforts to pi** me off. I am now trying to figure out which way to go. Do I tell her I've moved on? Or do I maintain a happy face while being fed sh*t for another month. My interactions with her have been increasingly negative and I struggle to keep calm. I really don't want to deal with her altered view of reality anymore.
I love my kids, but their activities are keeping me in too close contact with my delusional W. I feel I've made it to the end of my rope and I'm trying not to hang myself. Her periodic makeout sessions with me were likely done from guilt (and drinks). She's still unable to acknowledge her role in the marriage's failure and is content laying it at my feet.
I feel I've tried every angle. I'm not fixated on the time in this situation, but I won't end the year waiting for her again. I've made alot of mistakes, but I have learned much. I want to let her go completely, but I must see her weekly and speak to her nightly because of the kids.
So I stand at a crossroads where few have been strong enough to find themselves, yet I feel very vulnerable still. I give myself much credit, and I realize I must limit further exposure to her fits.
I can no longer keep up appearances. Her employers call for her here at the house at night and weekends. I've told them she's out. I'm considering telling them that she no longer lives here. I'm not going to lie for her anymore. She has successfully lived in her fantasy for too long. I think I may box up her closet (which is still full) and empty her dresser drawers to indicate I'm serious about moving on.
I guess I'm seeking guidance from anyone who's met this place. I really don't want to set myself back any further. But the actions I'm considering are not done from spite or shock. I simply want to move on from the place I've found myself in for too long. No more cake-eating for her.
If what you're doing isn't working...why keep doing it? If what you're doing costs you what you no longer can pay, why do it?
The changes you are talking about making...rings of a real LRT, Last Resort Technique, not a fake one, and it seems like you are at the place of really being able to live up to it.
I made the choice you are talking about, very similar, and while it worked out well for our marriage, there is no gaurentee.
You can even figure out a way where you do not HAVE to talk to her every night aboout the kids, I'll bet.
What you're talking about though...it's all or nothing, and it might take her awhile to realize that. If she does and she regrets it? You've got a hard decision to make if she is sincere.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I'm gonna let the men in the group field these. They seem to be doing a great job. Just wanted to stop in and say HI, and that I'm here for you if you need a Southern woman's opinion who has her Irish up! LOL.
Your buttons look like one of those universal remote controls to her....
I haven't heard of an MLCer yet, that won't push that kid button when given the chance.
Maybe it is time to take some steps for you.
You are way too focused on what she is or isn't doing TO you...
And you are allowing yourself to be the "victim" with all of it. You are allowing yourself to fall into this pattern of her doing all of these things to you.
You have been here for a while now, and yet, you remain at the mercy of how she treats you.
Don't lie for her anymore, don't cover her up anymore because you think that it will protect her or what the future may hold.
Don't allow yourself to be sucked up into what she says or accuses you of.
Her schidt should roll off of her like water on a duck's back.
