E.T. phoned home!!!

[Augtan]

I don't even know where to begin. I have posted to some other people on here, some stuff, but not had my own tread in a long time. I have no idea where XH is in his journey of MLC. I have no clue where I am in my journey to recover from all this. I do know that I have learned so much about me and who I am, what I want, and I have grown from all this more than I ever imagined. I know that I was very complacent in my marriage, I never believed that something like this would happen to us. Like so many on here, my XH loved me so very much and we had a pretty good marriage, better than most I have heard about that ended in divorce, but since mine was due to MLC, it par for the course.


XH and I have a very weird relationship now. I have no clue how to even explain it. I could go on and on about stories of the past, but what I really want to know is how to handle the future. He left here yesterday to go back home (he lives 700 miles away). He had driven our D18 up here to come back to live with me after living with him since June. We are no where near the "piecing" stage, but I want and need some advice on how to get there, although I don't think there is much more for me to do, it is up to him. When he is up here with us, it is like we are a family again, he stays at my house, we interact like we are still married, we get along great (we did have issues X-mas eve, but fixed it before he left and all was great this time). The other night, he opened up to me and really talked about stuff that had happened over Thanksgiving while visiting his "family". I listened and was supportive, always on his side and agreeing with his point of view, which I do, so it's easy. This isn't the first time we have been close to getting somewhere, in the Fall, the same things were going on, he drove 10 hrs and surprised me and we had a great family weekend, things were looking like they were headed somewhere, and then I pushed and pushed and he backed away, back into the tunnel. I am not going to do that this time, I know what I should be doing, leaving him alone, not contacting him first, if he does contact no "R" talk, just friends stuff, flirty, etc. But, am I missing anything? I am not going to pursue him. He is out of work, living alone again since D18 left, and probably pretty down on himself. I don't want to push him away again, but if there is supportive stuff I can and should be doing, I want to do it. I think he knows I am here for him and so I think I should just let him come to me if he needs to. But, the waiting and patience thing is so hard for me.

I vowed I wasn't going to do this in 2011, that I was going to move on from "standing" and stuff, but now since he was here again and it was so good, I don't know if I want to do that anymore. Someone said on here that they are walking down the hall but the door was still open. I guess that is what I am doing too. Any advice on where to go from here or what to do would be appreciated. I already have a full life, so GAL, doesnt' apply. I have and continue to know this is about me and I do take care of me and my kids, my job and school. I just want my H back, the real one, not the ET that took over and seems to call home every once in awhile, more frequently now, but not wanting to completely come home or even discuss it.

A

[angel61]

I was also reading another thread with something similar, one by Trusting.

For someone like me just in the beginning of my sitch, it is so heartbreaking to see how MLC affects everyone's lives, even those who have decided not to stand any longer.

We all try to be strong, to live our lives, detach, etc. but the lesson here is, specially when children are involved, that we could never really ever break away completely.

Our resolutions help us for a while. But we never know what will happen in the next two months, or years, or so,in the end, it is a moving target.

Standing seems to be a defined term for holding the door open. Walking down the hallways seems more fitting for someone like you.

I guess you just should live your life and go on - it is pretty full. And one day, ET might just come home for good, but whether he will stay will really depend upon how far you have walked down the hallway, he may have to catch up quite a bit, or maybe might not even be able to.... eh? Or are you willing to slow down for him?

[Augtan]

Thanks Angel for responding! I appreciate it. I didn't contact him all day, it was hard, but I just prayed instead.

I think I have slowed the walk down for him, I was walking pretty fast up until this last week. But, he is back in his town and back in the tunnel. Our texting last night when he got home proved that, I texted a very flirty text and got nothing flirty back, just that he got home and good night. So, now I just live my daily life, try to get by and see what happens.

Since he lost his job in September, I have offered for him to move up here and live in my condo with S15 and D11, while D18 and I live down the street with my parents. I offered this in October and again a week ago. I have no conditions attached with it, like that we would need to be together, date or anything, no pressure, but an offer for him to be in his kids lives each day and for financial reasons it makes sense. I told him last week to think about it and that he had "three really great reasons to move up here" (our kids) and he agreed. I don't think he will do it anytime soon, he is still in the tunnel and values his "friends" there more than seeing his kids grow up and being a father. But, as I see his head peak out of the tunnel further and for longer, I could see this happening by late spring if he still has no job. So, who knows.

I pushed down every feeling of contacting him today, had many battles with myself in my mind about what I could say that wouldn't be preceived as anything but friend stuff by him, but decided that any contact is pursuing him in his mind, so I did nothing!! I just miss him so much and know my real H is in there somewhere.

A

[whitneypinch]

Hi Autan,

Just wanted to let you know I read your posts.

Anyway I just wanted to pop in to say hi.
Keep strong and let him contact you. I know how badly you want him back but stay focussed on your path. Your D18 needs you the most right now.

[Albuquerque]

Augtan,

It's hard to say what to do other than do what feels right, but be true to yourself. You know that when you pushed, you didn't do it because it felt right. You did it because you were impatient about what you wanted. Wanting something doesn't make it right to just jump for it. All in it's own time. Patience is mandatory (which you know). If you feel you're putting on an "act" then IMHO, you're not being true to yourself.

I don't know that I completely agree about the NC. That's more for YOU to do to help you detach and keep you separate from the MLC crap. It sounds like you're way past that. If you feel like sending a friendly text or email, do so. You'll know when you get a positive response back. If he retreats, then he's not ready and you must be OK with that. No expectations. You're right, he must come to you. Keeping lines of communication open is the key.

[Augtan]

Thanks! I was thinking today, yet again, that I really want someone who wants me! Until XH acts like he wants me, I am doing nothing, maybe the friendly texts here and there, but not at all pursuing. I know all the reasons why he retreats back into the tunnel after he leaves here and have been intimate and emotionally close, but it makes me feel bad and I am done feeling bad. There is no reason for me to push or do anything, I can't control him or even begin to guess what he is thinking or doing. It is a waste of my time, I just want to feel good about myself and be happy. I do that 95% of the time, but for a week or so after he leaves and is back in MLC world, I feel sad, miss him, long for him, remember all our good times, etc.

I guess I need to decide if feeling bad for that week or so is worth how I feel when we are together and if that time together is brining him further and further out of the tunnel or not. I won't know for a few months and that is fine, I am in no rush, don't really have the desire to date. I do go out with friends quite a bit and have fun, so I am just going to continue to do all that and leave him to hit rock bottom...he is really close!! No job, no family around, no money to do stuff like he likes to do (I don't think he can date with no money and he truly has none!!). So, unless he gets a job really quick, he might just have to face reality and come further out of the tunnel than ever! We shall see!

A

[PEI]

I guess I need to decide if feeling bad for that week or so is worth how I feel when we are together and if that time together is brining him further and further out of the tunnel or not.

Why not figure out why you let yourself feel bad? Figure out why how you feel about yourself is tied to your interactions with him for that week? Hmmmmmmm.......

Oh, and you can't bring him out of that tunnel ... he'll come out when he comes out, not a day before or after ... just sayin'.

Still an awful lot of focus towards H ... what are you doing for you?

PEI

[irishblessings]

augtan -
I like what you said about recognizing that XH isn't ACTING like someone who wants to be with you - HE needs to do that. YOU DESERVE that. You present as such a kind, considerate person who DEFINITELY deserves someone to treat them well!
IB

[MynameisMZ]

Hi Augtan,

Glad you started this thread. I'd like to know your story. Let me know where to go to read it, OK?

Is letting H contact you first usually a good rule of thumb? I'm just asking because it is what I generally do. I'm still so new to all of this and need time to read more. Hopefully I can offer some good insight from time to time.

MZ

[Augtan]

PEI, myname, whitney, alb, IB...

Thanks for responding to my post! I am so thankful and apprecaite it so very much!!

PEI, I get what your saying, but I think when you love someone and they leave town or go away, it is natural to feel bad and miss them, if I am away from my kids I feel the same way, that is really all there it to that, I miss him and want him here with me, so I feel bad. It's not an every minute thing, it's just more in my face the few days after he leaves.

As far as the focus on my XH, you are right, but I come on here to get help about that particular part of my life, so it seems like it is more about him than it is, I am past a lot of that, I live 700 miles away from him, raise our kids, work full time, go to school almost full-time, date sometimes, go out with friends several times a week, etc. I do come here to vent about him and so forth, I think most people on here are here because they want support regarding their R, and it is great advice to tell them to make it about themselves, but none of us would be here if it weren't for the MLC'er and all the chaos they bring our life.

I didn't mean to imply that I could do anything to bring him out of the tunnel, but just wonder if his time up here with us seeing how good it is and how much he is missing out on will bring him out faster or not. I won't ever have that answer, but I question still, it is who I am. I want to make the best and as close to right choices, and hearing what has or hasn't worked for others is so great!! I have zero expectations for me and XH, he is on his own path and contiues to let outside things such as OW's, drinking, friends with bad advice, etc. block his path, but that is his choice and I can't do anything more to unblock it for him. Every choice he makes is out of my control but, I am confident one day he will clear his path and it will lead him home, whether I am in the home it leads him to or not remains to be seen.

I do need 2x4's every once in awhile, that is forsure, cause I let my mind race about what if anything I can do, should do or shouldn't do. I have had NC with XH since he left here except for the text that he got home, then out of the blue at like 9:30 pm last night he texts me and thanks me for job postings I sent him. I responded with "ur welcome" and that was it. But, it makes my mind go to a place I know it shouldn't..thinking.."he's thinking about us at night, that is a good thing", it might or might not be...the key to knowing I have made great strides and progress is that even though my mind went there, my actions didn't, I did nothing, whereas before I would have pushed either via another text or something. Moments in my days are about him, but 99% of them aren't. That is huge for me, but I do backslide a lot and share it here!!

Myname, I will send you a private message with my story and if you want to we can chat that way. I don't know where to find my original story, thanks so much for asking, I think we can support each other!!

A