Thank You. Phew! To tell you the truth I feel a little better. It took me a week to figure this thread thing out when my thread finally got approved I just let it all out in two hard to read post.
After Saturday's talk she has gone dark. I think she felt the conversation was going good and then it soured, she had to tell me no again and she is tired of doing that. Something she said the night she told me she filed was that talking to me was her reliving her leaving me all over again. She was exhausted and tired. After that we spoke a few days later and I apologized for blowing up about the divorce.
I told her if she felt this was the best option I would agree. I was sorry to keep pressuring her about getting back together and felt it was unfair. Her response "Thank you. I appreciate that. I had to file, it was my closure if that makes sense. We should probably stop talking for awhile because we are both very hurt and all we are doing is opening up the wound over and over again. It is harder for us to recover and heal if we just keep hurting each other. We should talk only if it is necessary. I'm not saying I don't ever want to talk to you again but we need time to heal. I have made many mistakes also and I will read the books you gave me but I am not ready right now. I can't concentrate. I have to keep myself busy and I can't lay in bed and cry all day because I have bills to pay" I asked her if I should hold on to the divorce papers for a bit or just sign them and send them back she said " I can't make you sing them if you refuse"
A few days later she called again to talk about an idea she had regarding our debt. I praised her and agreed. That was two weeks ago. That week we spoke almost every day until Saturday that we had that talk. Now she has completely gone dark on me. I just keep making mistakes one after another.
My DB told me she filed because I sent her that text and W felt as if I was trying to get control again so she filed to show me she was in charge. I told W I would sign and send her the papers not the attorney and she could do as she please with them. I told her also she really didn't have to turn them in "she laughed and said "I already got the loan and I already paid him" I said ok that's fine but if you hold it you would have to pay it either way she said " why don't you go ahead and sign them anyways babe just in case" This was before she went dark.
I know it's a lot but I am trying to catch you guys up. I lose hope one minute and the next I am ok. I don't know when it's time to give up. I guess if the divorce is final its final. I some point I have to face reality here or I will never heal. I guess for me personally hope ends with another man. When that happens I think I am done.
I've never been the emotionally weak one I have always hidden my feelings pretty good. Matter of fact one of my co-workers found out today I am separated from my wife and he was shocked. Had no idea I had been able to hide it so well for three months. Thanks for the response I have needed to get some of this stuff off my chest I feel like I am dying a slow painful death.
