She has said many reasons why she left. She has said that she felt undermined in the house like she didn't matter, she served no purpose. She felt as if she was literally going crazy like something was wrong with her. I made her feel worse by criticizing her or her parenting skills. She felt as if the house was three against one and I didn't hear her or cared about her feelings. She had threatened to leave before but always backed off, twice as a matter of fact, At first I was a ball or nerves but as the situation started to get worse between us the third time she threatened to leave I didn't do much to stop her. I was angry at the constant threats. I was very stubborn in my belief that if a woman does not want to be with you so be it! Then I read Michelle’s book, and Men are from Mars book and the 5 Love Languages and all of a sudden I understood where my wife was coming from this whole time and my world just collapsed because I realized what a great woman I had. I also understood myself a little bit better and why I reacted in such a way sometimes. If you would have asked me in October if our marriage had any hope I would of said I don’t think but today I feel like our situation could have been resolved. I hear and read the post here and there is so much pain. I have kept a journal this whole time and as I look back and read it I am actually getting worse. Today I signed my D for Girl Scouts and when I filled the application and it required the mother’s info I almost broke down crying. I was ashamed for having been responsible for tearing my family apart. This last Friday I woke up crying, at around 3PM I cried in my kitchen for absolutely no reason. At night after my D went to bed I cried like a child. What the hell is happening to me, I asked my wife if she had ever seen me cry and she said never. I can’t remember the last time I cried. Sorry I am rambling, back to the story. On December 10th I paid a surprise visit. She had no idea I was coming. When she answered the door she smiled really big but then got really upset. We drove around for 3 hours just talking mostly she was upset with me. She showed me where she worked and her new apartment. The next day we went to a bar with some friends and she danced with me after the song she looked at me and said “why couldn’t you just be nice” broke down crying and went to the bathroom. Told me it was the first time she had cried since she left. It felt as if someone had ripped my heart out. AGAIN! Saturday I really screwed up. She called and we were having a really nice talk joking around I gave her plenty of chances to hang up but she kept asking questions and talking. Then the M came up I felt good enough to ask to hold off the divorce we can work through this her response almost word for word “I am glad you’re making changes I am also, but we move forward with those changes not go backwards. I am sorry you’re hurting but what you are asking me I can’t do. I can’t just forgive and forget and trust you again just like that. You would go back to your old ways. I can’t keep having this conversation with you now your upset and I am upset. I have no crystal ball I don’t know what is going to happen tomorrow or in six months but I just don’t see us getting back together again. “ Sounds pretty freaking clear to me! I don’t know guys I am hurting really bad. I feel almost completely responsible for this. A lost decade! I promise my post will become more coherent after I get all this off my chest.
