Big talk tonight. I am a wreck, need support.

[Denver_2010]

Denver, I am so outnumbered by the guys here. I knew that going in so I'm ok with that. I am involved in their lives 110%, probably too much for the teenage boys. I'm at their games, offered to learn to keep score for them (in the end, they picked another dad to do it), know all about the H's work and help where I can, know the boys' friends, very involved with the in-laws when I can be (they live out of state). I am very family oriented - I want to be a part of their lives. I knew coming in that they already had a family dynamic of the 3 of them and I'd have to fit in with them. Trouble is, they never really embraced me. It's H's house, his stuff, his kids, his friends, his work, his hobbies. He tolerates my works, family, friends but never really embraced being in my life. After 2 years of marriage, I guess I accept that now. That I'll be alone a lot in my world and present in his and that he's never going to want to fully merge our lives, families, friends, work, etc. I only frustrate myself trying to change that. I instead focus on being in his life more... hoping he'll see it and come around into supporting me more. He does make more effort when I do this. Next time, I will go with them. If even to just sit in the stands reading a book. I can hit and play... they just don't want me to because I'm a "girl". I was the only girl on a boys' baseball team growing up - catcher no less. I used to be able to hold my own. May make a fool out of myself if I try now though. That was 25 yrs ago. Oh, now I feel old. But I will try. Keep trying.

Your H's attitudes and actions towards M remind me A LOT of mine until W left. And your attitudes and actions remind me of my W, until she got fed up and left. If I am correct, from personal experience, your H is going to have to have to decide that HE wants to change some things for the M to work.

How he gets there, I don't know. I've already explained how I got there. But I can tell you what did NOT work with me. And that was my W beginning to contribute to the downward spiral of M. As she grew unhappier and less satisfied with M bc of my attitude, her attitude changed. And it only made things worse in my head. She went from caring, sweet, appreciative, committed to success of M, to angry, distant, unappreciative, and uncaring. As this happened, I sat back blamed her and waited for her to 'get it' that her new attitude wasn't going to work. She 'got it' alright and left my a*s. Then I realized that I was the one who didn't 'get it'. Bottom line is that letting yourself become like my W did when she wasn't getting what she needed out of M most likely will not work with your H. In fact, it will only make things worse. So, you have two choices, 1) continue being a good W and figure out some other way to get him to want to change for sake of M, or 2) do what my W did.

I highly suggest #1 bc I believe that your H is capable of change. I just wish that I what advice to give you to get him there.

I just want to add that I don't blame my W for her contribution to the downward spiral to our M. Like many of us, she didn't know what else to do to get through to me. And she was unhappy. I wish that she had found this website, but that didn't happen. Sad really.