Trusting, It's more than your being successful with the business. He's worried that you will not be right where he left you. He sees that you are moving on and he's not a part of the mix, so to speak. He's afraid that "mom" is becoming very independent and the aprong string is growing smaller and smaller and soon...poof! It will have slipped through is fingers.
Continue being the person you've always been. If he contacts you again, listen, but do not offer advice.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I was reading another thread from Augtan about "ET" contact....
Made her rethink about standing. Brought to her mind the analogy of walking down the hallways while leaving the door open.
Is that how you see yourself too now? I guess your H is seeing you going farther and farther away and wants you to stop or slow down. Afraid he mightnot be able to catch up.
Will you do that for him? or just keep walking?
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Trusting, I feel as if I know you as we have often commented that we are among a group with similar timing in terms of bomb, etc.. As you may have known from reading my sitch, I got a kind of half-@ssed apology, very MLC-ish in style, and just a few weeks ago. So...again, similar timelines. I wouldn't be surprised if others in similar timeframes get similar actions.
I think clarity may come in moments but I also believe that for some people, thinking gradually clears altogether. I am not sure that i have confidence that my X would ever be one who will come out of things, but I hope I am wrong as our D has been badly hurt.
Actions, not words. I would be kind as he needs kindness, but until you see him doing what he says, I wouldn't put too much stock in some great awakening. My X, for example, still treats me like the primary parent and as if he is "doing me a favor" watching our D. In the meantime, I have met someone new and X is increasingly unattractive to me.
Talk with him but let him initiate everything. You've done a good job of holding boundaries and should hang up if he is rude and/or scary towards you, as I know he has been in the past.
I think that when they have been gone as long as they have, you have to consider they are strangers. I don't feel I know X, but I don't particularly care to know much about him any more anyway. It is not the "old" X that you will ever see again. It is a new person you haven't really met.
As far as OW, I'm not sure we can understand where they are with such things, but would have to guarantee you that her shine is no longer so fresh. Once you have lived with someone for a while, their faults become obvious. Welcome to Reality Island, where you're stuck with someone you don't want while you've treated everybody around you like _hit for some time.
So...you might consider that it would have a good effect on your kids if your X grows up some, but as far as your heart...sure, you will spin some, but I wouldn't let go of it too easily. Maybe just be polite and a little friendly, if he initiates it.
Another thing I noticed is that X said he would contact some long-ago friends. Friends who, it should be said, he spoke of with scorn during the Bomb phase.
I'd be surprised if he did contact those friends and might be surprised that he gets an extremely cool reception. He wasn't even invited to their wedding.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Had contact with ex last night regarding daughter. I was dropping her off at his house and he was not home. I called him and he was very testy and seemed "emotionally overloaded." He kept reinforcing how busy he was and stressed. He certainly was not the "I found God guy" a couple of days ago which was expected. Ex seems very confused and at the end of his rope which might explain his whole asking for forgiveness thing. I wish I was a fly on his wall.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Thanks for your replies. Angel, yes I guess that is how I see myself. The door is a little open, but I need to move on with my life. I miss having a solid relationship and I am not so sure ex will ever get there.
Forward, It is amazing the timing of our sitch's. They could be brothers.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Trusting, Just catching up on your situation. Happy for you that he is beginning to see the damage he has caused.
Maybe I am super cautious - but I agree with members here who say actions are more important than words. It's great to hear the words - but if he truly wants to make amends - if he truly wants to be a man of God then I think his actions would be different right now.
Just my opinion. IB
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
wow I was so surprized to read this.. This is such a a positive move for your xh and whatever is his motivation to improve himself everyone will benefit especially the kids I agree with the others I would be supportive and show forgiveness and whatever would help his transfomation without getting hooked into his recovery process support validate froma distance detach and keep going with your life and plans more will be revealed wow peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
It was very unexpected on my part. I could feel in my heart he was changing somewhat but I never expected a full blown apology with tears. He does have a long way to go and even if he gets there it probably will be without me. Ow is not liking the contact my ex and me had. She has talked with my daughter about this (how inappropriate). She feels that I am pursuing him and basically wants me to back off. I wonder if she is checking his cell phone now. How the tables have turned.....
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
