Ready to give up

[blue2010]

I have not pushed transparency I am making her aware that it is a part of my needs to repair this and my new boundaries. Without pushing after her shift this morning we actually talked. No R talk just about her night and then about general stuff and planning time off with the kids. She was not defensive and i did not have to pry. She is leaning away from buying the house. I think I am seeing baby steps. I definitly think she has a midlife crisis portion. She has is surrounded by sick dying people at work,and now wants to live for today, buy the new truck be a hippie take pictures live on the side of a mountain. Mid life crisis = marital crisis.

If? If it is a fantasy addiction are there ways to address that?
She has been in so much emotional pain and has stated several times she never wants to feel like this again that I am not sure if that is it, posssible.

Time Will tell.
Thank You for the input it helps.

[sandi2]

I am making her aware that it is a part of my needs to repair this and my new boundaries

Just want say this about setting boundaries, don't put anything out there that you aren't prepared to back up with consequences. A lot has been said about boundaries in recent times, but they aren't worth a pinch of salt if there is no consequences. In fact, it's much better to not mention the word rather than be weak about holding the boundary. Just my 2 cents.

[sandi2]

Would like to hear from you.

[blue2010]

Well it has been an interesting week. I have mostly stayed backed off in regards to R talk. If something comes up I do not avoid it. I make sure I clarify acknowledge and validate what she is saying. We had very little conflict last week.
Ok so this is the current scenario. It seems as though she is coming out of the "fog". As far as I can tell there has been no futher contact with the OM. She has had some obvious grieving. She is becoming more engaged in the house and with the kids. She is acting less like the alien and more like my wife. I remain cautious. I am still attending a divorcecares class because she does not know where the divorce papers are she filed. (it has been more then 30 days I have not been served I was told at that point they are taken out of the system). She will only say about the house she was trying to purchase that she is ignoring the emails.
I am wondering If part of the turning point was when at the MC I pretty much forced her to directly answer the question if she was done with this M she did she yelled she was. Then we went shopping and she would not look at me and walked behind me. She also needed a formal seperation agreement for her mortgage. She never did that.
Fast foward to the winter storm the morning of the 18th. She is driving home from work. She has a lousy ride. She finally decides she wants a truck. Her money I say OK. Wed was decent, IN the AM alot of why is it suddenly OK I get a new car, she left mad then later called to tell me when she would be at the dealer. Basically invited me to look at a new truck with her she has always wanted a truck. It went well we behaved as friends I had to leave I went back later to drive it she asked me to. We purchased in her name Friday. Ran some errands,all the time it was pleasant like friends between us, some joking no love and affection.
Her tone of voice has lost the constant defensiveness. She is not constantly attatched to her cell phone, even leaves it lying around once in a while although it is locked. She is not ready for transparency she feels it invades privacy.
She wants to LIVE do more especially with the kids. Ironic thing is she always used to say no about going out. This blame is still placed on me right now. I don't go there......yet.
I am being friendly. We have had some R talks. I have made clear that what I want is 100% of her affection not to share her the same as I expected when I asked her to marry me. She started this conversation one night and it continued nicely while she was driving to work about 20min total talk time.
She went out with her sister Saturday, accussed me of sending a friend to spy. I did not. She continues to come up with comments saying like this is my W speaking: " I am worth nothing, I am really nothing special, you can do better, I don't deserve anything, you are going to hate me, you are going to get mad and hold this over me, you can find someone better so why don't you just do it now, I should just go away, the kids won't miss me." Kid comments are fading.
I told her last week I would no longer respond when she makes those comments.
This morning, she started a calm conversation it lead to married parenting and divorced parenting discussion she then said there is more to marriage than parenting. I agreed and left it at that me:"but that decision isn't up to just me" I have expressed to her she is worth it to me so is rebuilding the marriage. She knows the fate of this M is in her hands.

I have not, but want to address well ask if she has had any more cotact with OM. I want to write to her my needs and wants for a better M but I do not think the time is right.

Sorry so long.

[Bworl]

The woman has put herself, and many others, through hell with this affair relationship. It was wrong, part of her knows it was wrong, but, as they say in the song, it "felt so right."

You remain committed to her and the marriage. I get the impression that you have communicated that clearly plenty of times.

Now know this.

This kind of thing is not fixed in a single stroke. And it is not fixed quickly.

It is frustrating reading through your threads and seeing how often you sought to get a decision out of her. What were you thinking? Who did you think she would pick when she was in the throes of a new love relationship? Honestly, I wonder sometimes if we even think about what we are asking.

You've seen some potentially positive changes recently. But my fear for you is that a few small positives could put you right back on the track of seeking validation and committment out of her.

It's TOO EARLY.

Enjoy the peace. Maybe find a way to stop thinking about her every single moment of your day. And please, none of this "but I love her, she is my life" stuff. That reeks of codependency and there's nothing healthy about that.

She needs space.
She needs a man who remains true to who he is.
She needs a man who is not going to crack when she has a bad day.
She needs a man who means what he says, and who isn't going to cave and change his mind if he doesn't get a positive stroke.


You can do all of this. But your posts suggest to me that it's in your nature to push and prod. Both are killers in your current fragile state.

Perhaps the unveiling of the affair worked to your benefit. Thank god that the two of you did not decide to make it a public screening. Now, let it go.

If things eventually heal, part of that healing will be working through the wounds of the affair. If not, then it doesn't matter.


You have a shot. You've just got to get your head right.


Blessings,

Bill

[dbmod]

dis-

You are getting some positives. sandi2 and Bworl are giving you some really good advice here: don't pursue, focus, and don't be 'eager' to jump back in with both feet. Go slow. Don't be completely available. It's a 'dance' now.

Boundaries are set better with actions than words. So don't talk about them now, you've already spoken your limits. Now, don't fully engage until she shows you what you asked for. Setting boundaries is the 'after the last resort technique', but you've already employed it, so do it well.

No more R talks.

Like Bworl says: "Enjoy the peace".

Center yourself, focus, keep your resolve.

[blue2010]

I am not sure I have actually done LRT.
I realize in type things do not come across as real as what is going on. My W has had many a bad/sad/crying moment the last couple of weeks. i remain the constant in my house. For the kids and I suppose for her. She will toss out a comment enticing a response from me to trigger an argument i do not take the bait. I am grounded, she keeps pushing the If you want me to go.
All the R conversations have been started by her. When they turn to a point that she inteprets that I want an answer even when I have not said anything of the sort i clarify i am not asking for an answer right now.

Her biggest thing right now is she wants to forget it, forget it ever happened, not del with it, not talk about it, not discuss it ever. She fears maybe someday it will come up again because I am mad or something at which point i mentioned she could be mad and it could come up.
So I may be wrong but I feel that in order to rebuild on a new healthy foundation she needs to stop pretending I can read her mind, and at some point actually confront and deal with instead of bury inside what happened.
She filed D papers that was about 40 days ago. They will be in the system a max of 60 more days, she doesn't know where they are. She was buying a house, she bought a truck but has only told ne she is ignoring the real estate agents emails. So when I said i still don't know if you are buying a house, I do not get a direct answer. I get well i can't afford both. She could If she worked enough. But my point is her indirectness. Part of how we got here.
So I do not think i am pursuing I also am not being mean.

I truly hope that she really has not had any contact with OM also.

Thank You for the responses.

[Bworl]

You've lived in uncertainty that seemed to be leaning strongly in the direction of her leaving.

Now you are living in uncertainty that looks more like she is willing to consider staying.

Uncertainty is never comfortable.

But the kind you are in now would seem to be highly preferrable to the kind you had before.

"For everything there is a season."

Dealing with issues, confronting things like infidelity...there will be a time for this. And yes, she absolutely appears at times to want to sweep it under the rug. Who would not want that? I think you can be sure that inside of her, it is not swept under a rug.


Push for this to be reconciled now, and watch your situation deteriorate once again.


This is the time to be quiet.
This is the time to allow her to percolate, so to speak.
This is the time for you to show yourself to be her rock.


Think about what she must need more than anything right now.

It's not advice.

It's not resolution.

It's not confrontation.

It's not decisions.


She needs the opportunity to get inside her own head and heart, to figure out what has happened, to honestly think about where she was, where she is, and where she wants to head.


And...though she will never tell you this...she needs someone in her life who is solid, who is truth, who is integrity, who is compassion, who cares.


Up for the job?


Blessings,

Bill

[blue2010]

Thanks Bill, Yeah, I'm up for the job. I haven't turned my back on her yet. I tend to vent a bit on the forums too I am more groundeed Live in person. It is hard but when something comes up where in the past I would have offerred advice i don't I may ask a question so it continues the conversation giving her that opportunity to open up.

So I am maintaining my integrity I have shown compassion which I believe puzzles her. I still care and I am the constant in my family. Am I perfect uh huh and no. But I am steady and solid. Have to be for my kids. My W rt now reminds me of a teenager.

Thanks again.

[blue2010]

Now know this.

This kind of thing is not fixed in a single stroke. And it is not fixed quickly.

It is

She needs space.
She needs a man who remains true to who he is.
She needs a man who is not going to crack when she has a bad day.
She needs a man who means what he says, and who isn't going to cave and change his mind if he doesn't get a positive stroke.

You have a shot. You've just got to get your head right.


Blessings,



Bill

Well kind of glad I reread this. I realize I am staying true to what i say. I am being that rock.
Even though I am tired, and I was out with the kids today and it was prerfectly fun without her that was when my brain went wow I can do this.

She went off this morning about money. She was ready to afford a whole second house and divorce. We now have two car payments because she decided she wanted a new car, I didn't argue and I ended up finding aa reasonable replacement for my constantly in the shop truck.

I just wanted to point out to her how she expected me to afford this house all on my own and all my other expenses as well. With her acting as if she is staying that means her income stays and we have twice as much money. so she must not be seing it through my glassses.
She was on the verge of telling me I should have told her not to buy it and she thinks I have an alterior motive, a bad one I told her no and the I said well yes I do It is to save and rebuild this marriage,

She seems to want to bottle everything up and just try to go back to how it was.

Any part of DB DR that would be a good reference rt now?

Has anyone heard of Retrouaville and the weekends they do?

I feel she wants to reconcile but she won't say it. She won't be transparent yet, I have not asked in 3 weeks. But talk is we for everything. So i don't know.

Any other threads going that might help ?

Thanks everyone.