18 Years of Marriage - Leaving in June

[Scared2Def]

let me correct that some, we both have our marriage counseling tomorrow morning!

[Scared2Def]

Ok so far tonight, we ate dinner, o played with kids. Came down after they went to bed, she was reading a story on her laptop. That was 8pm. It is now 9:47 and she just finished doing some laundry in the basement and came up told me she was going to take a bath. She is up there so I hoped on here to type this. Is this night a wash?????

[wanda15]

Not sure why you would think the evening is a wash? Seems like it was quiet but it was not bad. Sometimes quiet can be okay. There was no fighting or R talk. If you were to keep track of good and bad days I would put this in the good day pile.

IMHO Every good day is a blessing. Keep up the Dbing and you will make it. Be positive and don't take the tiny things for granted.

[habitacker]

All advice I have ever gotten said to wait for her to come to you about R talk.

Of course my wife and I have not had a R talk in months. I have asked about this on this forum many times and have never been told to try and R talk with her.

They will do it when they are ready. If they are not ready, and you try to push it, you will probably make things worse.

I feel my W will never come to me about R talk. She hasn't even before the bomb. No communication is what got us here in the first place, but, I am going to keep going with DBing and the advice I get on this forum.

[Scared2Def]

Thanks again Habit, I am still waiting for the bath to end, I am going to grab a snack and hit the sack 11 pm here in Germany!

[sandi2]

Do not tell your W that you are changing. Just do it. She's right, she's heard all of that in the past and she'll pay no attention to your words now. She wants to see the action.

Here's what I've learned over the years.....if we gain something by very little effort, then we don't try as hard to keep it. You have admitted to not keeping friends for any length of time due to being hurtful or offensive. That's not very good. Have you discussed this with an IC? When an adult is not able to maintain R's with friends or loved ones, there's a problem somewhere.

What I'm saying is that no matter how good your intentions are about changing....I have my doubts that you will be able to keep those changes--if your W agrees to stay in the M. You've apparently tried it before and based on what she said....you didn't stick with the changes. What makes you think you will this time? I know you're scared right now and that's driving you to think you'll hang with it, but if she comes around too quickly....you won't.

That's why I asked what your strategy was. I think a person has to have a bit more than just thinking they'll change for the better. For instance, you need to be accountable. You need a person (not your W) that you tell what you've done well...and what you've done badly. You need a person who will kick you in the behind when you get out of line and tell you what you're doing wrong. Believe me, you won't make this huge change without accountability.

You need to give yourself assignments. Then you need to grade how well you carried out the assignment. You'll have tests....give yourself a grade on how well you passed the test.

You can start out with a daily check list, if necessary, and as a reminder to keep you out of those old patterns. Daily goals are what you need to work toward before you're ready to take on more.

[lostinscared]

Sandi,

This is great advice for all of us right now especially me! Thanks so much!

[Scared2Def]

Sandi, WOW..
Daily assingments is the perfect words to get through to me. Thank you.

My immeidate daily assignments/gola is to allow her the freedoms she thinks I have taken from her. Those are reading on her laptop, sitting in quiet and enjoying the fact that the house is mellow quiet and the kids are resting. I too want these things.
So, my goal for today is to go home, relax with kids, play some video games or card games with the kids. Then enjoy a nice family dinner and then relax doing what ever I want for the evening. Be that sitting on the coach with the wife doing her thing.

Last night was actually amazing. I could sense wife was a bit tense but I did not force any conversation or issues. I just let her do what she wanted and I did the same.

So me saying it was a wash was a poor choice of words at that time.

Sandi, I will achieve my goal today and that will be another baby step.

[sandi2]

That's great! That is what I'm talking about. And, as the days come, you will think of things to add to those daily goals. If you look at it as a "challenge" then it helps to have a positive attitude about the whole thing.

Let me remind you that there aren't many days that go by that one doesn't have an opportunity to show a bad mood or say a cross word. As we work to mold ourselves into a better person....we still have those times that sneak through. So, be prepared. Have a back-up plan. In other words, be thinking right now what you can say or do when that day comes that you might respond with a sharp reply to something your W says. Some men find it very difficult to apologize for small things like that, but just saying, "I'm sorry, I did not mean to snap at you", could prevent things getting into a fight.

Be thinking, now, a back-up plan to have when you go home and your W is having PMS big time. If you know, now, what you can do to make that easier for the entire family (take the kids and get out of the house, go get take-out, whatever), then you will feel in control when it hits.

I think you need to have that feeling of being in control of things in your life....especially right now. Preparing ahead with those back-up plans will give you that sense of control and calmness. You can't control her, but you can help the environment and control things around you to a great extent.

I have learned with myself, that I can control myself with not-so-nice people at work and in social settings.....but it's when I'm around my family that I tend to be off guard with my emotions and and allow the bad side to come out. I believe that true for most folks, don't you? It should be the other way around b/c our family is our most valuable treasure.

I will be anxious to hear from you and see how your day goes with family. I can sense a positive energy from you and that's important to have as you progress.

[sandi2]

Thanks Lost!