Big talk tonight. I am a wreck, need support.

[hope2011]

I found a post on here today, in response to someone else that gave me a huge moment of clarity... "you can't piece and detach at the same time". I am there. I think.

Am I piecing?

So detaching is bad right now then?

But GAL is good, I do know that much.

I need to read DB again. And again. I used to know all this like the back of my hand.

Today is good here. He's pleasant, wrapped up on work. Sleeping in the same bed and he's even sleeping between the sheets (a 180 for him as he usually sleeps between the blankets because sheets "annoy him"). So for the first time really, I fell like I'm sharing a bed with my husband. It's nice. No R talks, no more ML since the other day. I did ask yesterday for him to clarify - "we are not serperated, correct? We are together, working on our marriage, correct?" because he's going on a business trip tomorrow and I am paranoid. I know he's going for business, I've seen the paperwork but I'm not there on trusting him again yet. And after being "separated" without me knowing it last month according to him... I'm making sure we're on the same page.

Question for you all... especially the men.... who has tried Retrovaille? Is is "mushy emotional stuff"? Is it religious? My H is not a religious person (he occasionally goes to church with me, went to Catholic school as a kid but he has no R with God personally and has now decided he's agnostic). He also won't go to MC again after a bad experience last year. But we need something. We can't just go on like this, afraid to talk about R, me the only one making changes (unless you count him no longer on dating sites a change). I don't mind too much doing the hard work and most of the changes and DB'ing... but I worry that unless we both change, we'll go back to the same old problems. Or I will resent him. But if I talk him into going to Retrovaille and it's preaching or judgmental or he feels like it's all "emotional mumbo jumbo" it will turn him off more.

Another question for you all... this is my H's 3rd marriage. I think he's too the point that if we don't make it, he gives up on marriage. He's said "what's the point, when it always ends up bad". He sees relationships as "dating fun, falling in love rush, getting married, being happy for a little while, it falls apart"... so why not just date and avoid the falling apart stage? His biggest issue is that he sees nothing good from working it out, sticking it out, investing and becoming deeply connected and happy. Because he's never had that. He just gave up the last 2 times. He's trying not to do that again, he's told me he "doesn't want to fail again"... but how can I show him that all the work is worth it? His parents are still married after 52 years, happy and been through a lot - but they never argued in front of their kids, they never saw them working together or the ups and downs of a marriage, or then each compromising, etc. Their marriage did and still does, revolve around their 2 kids and grandkids according to the kids. Everything was for their 2 boys - where they lived, what they did, etc. So the 2 boys grew up and never learned how to compromise for others. Between them both they have had 4 marriages and 3 additional engagements. Yeah, I know, red flag I didn't see! But here we are now... I am married to a man who was spoiled by his parents, who can't figure out why he can't be happy in a marriage but who won't put in the work for the long haul. I tell him that we should work to have a marriage like his parents... but all he sees is his parents bad financial decisions (loaning money and now they live in the other son's basement) and he doesn't want that life. He doesn't see the 52 years of marriage and they are still in love and holding hands. So how do I fight all his misconceptions about marriage and success?

He needs IC, I know that. He's got a lot of issues. But I can't control him or fix his issues, only my own behavior and responses.

Some good news... I got the office for work so will move in the next 2 weeks all the work stuff out of my house. Something he never thought I'd do. I need this for work, for me, for us. It's a good thing all around. But on the trust issues... I'm hard. I won't be here all day, every day with him. I will have to trust him to not be on dating sites, etc. I will have to trust that he is working on the marriage and believe what he tells me. But it's hard. I just wish he would say he's sorry, that he was an idiot for doing that, that he doesn't want to lose me or risk our marriage. But all I have is that 1 e-mail a few days ago to hold on to right now.

This is really hard.