Big talk tonight. I am a wreck, need support.

[hope2011]

I guess a good day so far. H got upset with me for rearranging 2 lamps and asked me to switch them back. I did, but it upset me. He's a control freak. I live here too and I can't decide where 2 lamps go? But I let it go without getting upset or letting it escalate.

I need to get some boundaries. I guess. I don't know. Am I piecing? Is he still a WAS? I'm still tip-toeing. Still doing 180's.

Tomorrow... GAL. Focusing on organizing my office to move it. It's a national holiday but I need to not be sitting in the living room waiting for him to pay me attention. Yes, that was a 180 from my workaholic self but clingy is not attractive. He's not engaging me in conversation, etc. We just sit there and I feel pathetic, waiting for him to pay me attention.

I'm in an odd spot here, not sure what to do.

[zengypsy]

My friend Hope -

Sorry I've been silent more than I'd like. Been busy with work stuff and had a blah week last week after getting a paper from the court.

I see that your thread has taken flight and that alot has been going on. Will have to try to catch up. I just wanted to see how you are doing.

[Denver_2010]

Hope - I am excited that your sitch is doing better, and I think that you should be optimistic. I also think that I can somewhat relate to what your H is going through. If he felt anywhere close to how I felt when I was going through it, I can't imagine that he is over it this quickly. I would suggest that you continue doing what your doing for now. Continue your 180s, compliment him, let him know that you respect him etc.

I also had a thought on what happened yesterday when he and his boys decided to go to the batting cages instead of doing something that you could join in on. I think that you probably should have acted "as if" you were excited that they were going to go spend some time together and just explained that you still weren't feeling well so wouldn't be going with. Maybe you could have told them that you'd like to go next time... maybe even have asked them if they'd show you how to hit the ball? You live in a house full of men. There is no way that they aren't going to want to do the 'manly' stuff. Maybe you could try a little to join in? Men love to feel that their W's are "in to" what the are. I know that I would have loved it my W would have been a little more involved with my SS's baseball team when I coached his team a couple of years ago. She would watch, but she never would participate much. I understand she and your perspective of not really being that interested in participating, but had she acted a little more interested in being part of it, it would have been great!

It's a tough dynamic that you have going there. Im just saying that maybe if you seem a little more into what they are doing, H will be a little more accomadating to your ideas on things to do.

[MrBond]

When he makes demands like that, don't accomodate them if they seem out of the ordinary or isn't what you want to do. Continue to focus on you.

Do not wait on him to do anything, especially pay attention to you. When you release all that, he's going to start engaging. It might even be in a hostile way, but once he feels that he isn't being paid attention to, he will make some noise.

[hope2011]

MrBond, so you're saying I shouldn't do 180's? Things out of the ordinary? Not sure I want a hostile response.

[MrBond]

No you can do whatever changes need to be done. But don't bend over backwards if the requests are unreasonable. Only you can determine what those are.

The thing is that the WAS can get into crazy mood swings and no matter what the LBS does, it's not good enough. You mentioned before that you needed to get your self-confidence back.

First step in doing so is to get back your self-respect. It's okay to say 'no' to him. Don't be afraid of his response. Get rid of the fear.

[hope2011]

Yes, that's exactly where I am. No self-respect and afraid to upset him. I do need to get rid of the fear, find myself again, be confident again.

[hope2011]

I found a post on here today, in response to someone else that gave me a huge moment of clarity... "you can't piece and detach at the same time". I am there. I think.

Am I piecing?

So detaching is bad right now then?

But GAL is good, I do know that much.

I need to read DB again. And again. I used to know all this like the back of my hand.

Today is good here. He's pleasant, wrapped up on work. Sleeping in the same bed and he's even sleeping between the sheets (a 180 for him as he usually sleeps between the blankets because sheets "annoy him"). So for the first time really, I fell like I'm sharing a bed with my husband. It's nice. No R talks, no more ML since the other day. I did ask yesterday for him to clarify - "we are not serperated, correct? We are together, working on our marriage, correct?" because he's going on a business trip tomorrow and I am paranoid. I know he's going for business, I've seen the paperwork but I'm not there on trusting him again yet. And after being "separated" without me knowing it last month according to him... I'm making sure we're on the same page.

Question for you all... especially the men.... who has tried Retrovaille? Is is "mushy emotional stuff"? Is it religious? My H is not a religious person (he occasionally goes to church with me, went to Catholic school as a kid but he has no R with God personally and has now decided he's agnostic). He also won't go to MC again after a bad experience last year. But we need something. We can't just go on like this, afraid to talk about R, me the only one making changes (unless you count him no longer on dating sites a change). I don't mind too much doing the hard work and most of the changes and DB'ing... but I worry that unless we both change, we'll go back to the same old problems. Or I will resent him. But if I talk him into going to Retrovaille and it's preaching or judgmental or he feels like it's all "emotional mumbo jumbo" it will turn him off more.

Another question for you all... this is my H's 3rd marriage. I think he's too the point that if we don't make it, he gives up on marriage. He's said "what's the point, when it always ends up bad". He sees relationships as "dating fun, falling in love rush, getting married, being happy for a little while, it falls apart"... so why not just date and avoid the falling apart stage? His biggest issue is that he sees nothing good from working it out, sticking it out, investing and becoming deeply connected and happy. Because he's never had that. He just gave up the last 2 times. He's trying not to do that again, he's told me he "doesn't want to fail again"... but how can I show him that all the work is worth it? His parents are still married after 52 years, happy and been through a lot - but they never argued in front of their kids, they never saw them working together or the ups and downs of a marriage, or then each compromising, etc. Their marriage did and still does, revolve around their 2 kids and grandkids according to the kids. Everything was for their 2 boys - where they lived, what they did, etc. So the 2 boys grew up and never learned how to compromise for others. Between them both they have had 4 marriages and 3 additional engagements. Yeah, I know, red flag I didn't see! But here we are now... I am married to a man who was spoiled by his parents, who can't figure out why he can't be happy in a marriage but who won't put in the work for the long haul. I tell him that we should work to have a marriage like his parents... but all he sees is his parents bad financial decisions (loaning money and now they live in the other son's basement) and he doesn't want that life. He doesn't see the 52 years of marriage and they are still in love and holding hands. So how do I fight all his misconceptions about marriage and success?

He needs IC, I know that. He's got a lot of issues. But I can't control him or fix his issues, only my own behavior and responses.

Some good news... I got the office for work so will move in the next 2 weeks all the work stuff out of my house. Something he never thought I'd do. I need this for work, for me, for us. It's a good thing all around. But on the trust issues... I'm hard. I won't be here all day, every day with him. I will have to trust him to not be on dating sites, etc. I will have to trust that he is working on the marriage and believe what he tells me. But it's hard. I just wish he would say he's sorry, that he was an idiot for doing that, that he doesn't want to lose me or risk our marriage. But all I have is that 1 e-mail a few days ago to hold on to right now.

This is really hard.

[wanda15]

I really don't know if there is any advice I can give you about this. Kinda in the same sitch with my H.

Just thought I would send you a hug.

[hope2011]

Denver and Gypsy, I just now saw your responses. I think the forums are having hiccups. Glad I see them now.

Gypsy, I totally understand. With being sick most of last week it was hard for me to keep up with everyone and when I checked in it seems so much had gone on in so many threads that I was lost. I try to keep up, but it's hard sometimes. I understand!

Denver, I am so outnumbered by the guys here. I knew that going in so I'm ok with that. I am involved in their lives 110%, probably too much for the teenage boys. I'm at their games, offered to learn to keep score for them (in the end, they picked another dad to do it), know all about the H's work and help where I can, know the boys' friends, very involved with the in-laws when I can be (they live out of state). I am very family oriented - I want to be a part of their lives. I knew coming in that they already had a family dynamic of the 3 of them and I'd have to fit in with them. Trouble is, they never really embraced me. It's H's house, his stuff, his kids, his friends, his work, his hobbies. He tolerates my works, family, friends but never really embraced being in my life. After 2 years of marriage, I guess I accept that now. That I'll be alone a lot in my world and present in his and that he's never going to want to fully merge our lives, families, friends, work, etc. I only frustrate myself trying to change that. I instead focus on being in his life more... hoping he'll see it and come around into supporting me more. He does make more effort when I do this. Next time, I will go with them. If even to just sit in the stands reading a book. I can hit and play... they just don't want me to because I'm a "girl". I was the only girl on a boys' baseball team growing up - catcher no less. I used to be able to hold my own. May make a fool out of myself if I try now though. That was 25 yrs ago. Oh, now I feel old. But I will try. Keep trying.