I have been busy, but good the last few days. D & I have both been sick with colds, but are recovering. I am feeling more independent and I have been reaching out and doing more things now. I went to a birthday party for a new friend from church that has a daughter close in age to my girl. I am teaching my toddler art class again. I invited my in-laws over for a movie night. I am starting to stick around after church to visit more now too.
I think that H becoming unavailable due to his work schedule helped me. I had gotten stuck trying to keep my daughter ‘available’ for his last minute visits. Now that I don’t expect to see him I have gone ahead and made plans without trying to predict what he is doing. I am also less likely to change those plans for him.
H is still a whirlwind of changing schedules and uncertainty. That frustrates me, especially in how it affects D3. It is getting harder to tell when it is ‘safe’ to tell her that she will see her daddy too. Sunday night H asked if we wanted to come have dinner at the new restaurant Tuesday & let me know his mom had invited me & D to dinner on Wednesday. It worked with our schedule so I said yes. Last night H called to let me know he had just been given Tuesday & Wednesday off.
Ugh.
More chaos and confusion.
We went back and forth, me trying to get him to tell me what he wanted to do, him just sounding uncertain and noncommittal. Finally settled on moving dinner to Thursday, which works for me and keeping dinner at his parent’s the same just with him there too. He ‘offered’ to take her without me to dinner at his parents on Wednesday, but I’m sick of him running interference between me and his family. I told him I would just plan on going like before because I liked seeing everyone and had already been planning on it. The discomfort with that is in him, not in me and not in his family. If this is how he wants things he will have to learn to deal with the consequences on his own.
I got upset at H for a while. Angry that he is always changing plans at the last minute. Upset that he didn’t ask to take D3 at all during his days off, except to try to un-invite me from his parent’s dinner. Probably would have been upset at him even if he did want to take her for an overnight too.
Think I have hit a new point emotionally. It wasn't long ago that if H popped his head out of the tunnel, my whole world brightened up with hope and purpose. Now? He just wears me out. Before he could do no wrong, but now he can't do anything right. Every choice he makes just makes me more and more disillusioned.
I am cycling still, but have overall managed to hold on to a feeling of being protected from the chaos around me. I have been praying a lot and trying to find a little time each day to just be quiet and listen too. I am trying hard to listen to my intuition, especially when I get upset or start to feel like I need to ‘do’ something.
‘Listening’ about my frustrations with H helped. I realized I was again trying to fix and mind read for him. I need to stop that. I am not responsible for how he feels. I am also not responsible for the actions he takes… or fails to take.
For now my intuition tells me that I need to keep myself from asking if he wants to take D today or tomorrow. I have realized that I have been pushing for him to spend time with D because it is inconceivable to me that he wouldn’t want that. Who knows what he plans to use his time off for? If he has a date with OW, then no, I don’t want D to tag along. Heck, maybe he plans to go file for his divorce. Maybe he just needs to rest. How should I know?
Maybe he is trying to respect the plans I have and can’t work up the nerve to ask for more time. Maybe he really just doesn’t want to spend time with D. I asked if he wanted to get together any when he called. If I keep asking, that is just pushing. I have to let go.
I probably will ask him later today if he would pick D up from day care tomorrow, but only because it would save me some driving back and forth and doesn’t have to interfere with any of his ‘plans’. If he asks to take D or see us extra during the next couple days, fine. But no asking if that is what he wants.
I hear uncertainty and maybe some sadness or even fear when we speak lately. These are only feelings that I get, though the surprise and uncertainty I heard in his voice when he called during my friend's birthday party came through pretty strongly. He is still gone, with no return trip planned as far as I can tell. My instincts tell me he is under a lot of stress, so pushing for ANYTHING is a bad idea.
Mostly what I want is just to find a bit of peace in my life. I'm also tired of being on call, so I am working to stop doing that too.
