You sound like you have done so much right and made such great progress.
I have not had to deal with an affair, so I will let others advise you there.
My thoughts would be to try to get some professional conseling, say with a sex therapist. Ask them to help the two of you to work through some of the trust and porn issues that are of concern to you. Also ask the therapist to help the two of you work on learning to enjoy touching each other and to bring playfulness back into your sex life. While that may not be "crazy porn sex," it will probably bring the two of you closer together emotionally.
As to the grandmas, obeese women and she-males, porn can be addictive and things that are taboos or self punishment can be even more stimulating to some. You might want to talk to him about his sexual fantasies and see what he has to say.
Good luck to you.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
