Why am I so horrible at taking advice. Everyone is screaming at me the same thing BE PATIENT, and I am for the most part, but not 100%. I don't know what to do about it because sometimes it comes out.
Last night, yet another R talk. I was kinda up and down and she ask me if I wanted to talk about it. I was hesitant really because I said I didn't want to cheese her off....which is exactly what happened. I started by saying "I'm frustrated." Wrong thing to say. What she told me was that when I say that I'm really saying I can't be patient and I'm not respecting her feelings or need to take things slow. I def could see that point of view.
So it boiled down to the fact that she is having trouble getting over some stuff. She said that she is going to find an IC to help her with these issues. Basically she has a lot of anger at me and the situation. These issues are holding us back and she acknowledged that.
She goes back and forth. In one breath she says that what happened wasn't really my "fault" because the way depression works. She said I need to stop thinking about the past. But then she can't let go of that when she interacts with the me I am now.
Also we talked about her feelings. She explicitly said she's not going to tell me she loves me any time soon and she might not ever because actions speak louder than words. She basically said that she doesn't love me know and is just starting to think about a friendship. Way behind where I am. She doesn't want me to initiate any physical touches or say ILY. I can show her how I love her by doing the things she needs - giving her space, giving her time and working on me. She spent a lot of time saying that we just need to work on ourselves first. I understand that, but we don't live in a vacuum.
So that was a kick in the gut. Some truth. But she did say she was really committed to working on things and did hope that we could get back to an R. But then said it could take 5-8 YEARS to get back to where she feels 100% with me. WOW. I don't know if this really is the case.
She emphasize that she is still here, didn't walk and is willing to work on the marriage. For now, it should be enough for me. Then she went to bed and said as she was going up stairs, "Don't worry, it will all work out.
Okay, so I took what she said as she doesn't love me and barely tolerates me as a friend. I mean how, else could I feel.
So this morning, I was really mad about the situation. I mean really who wants to be in a relationship where the love is one sided. She asked me why I was grouchy. I said, "Really? My wife doesn't love me and barely tolerates me as a friend." Then she gets really mad and says. "That's not what I said," "All I said was to be patient." Well, it certainly sounded like what she said.
she then added that if I can't handle it, she's not going to be honest with me.
So what is wrong with me. I can't go a week without pouting that things aren't going fast enough. I doesn't matter if I don't feel that way 99% of the time, because the 1% comes out. Darn it. I'm really struggling with this piecing things. I know we are in the early stages of it. I will talk to my IC about this tomorrow.
I don't know what we will talk about in MC on friday. Honestly, I don't see a point other than to rehash this.
Sigh
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
