I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned ..

[PEI]

So today is tough. I am finally facing some very harsh financial realities ... and it is taking everything I have in me to not be filled with rage and anger and hate. That's not who I am, not who I want to be and I battling this beast even as I type.

The sitch in a nutshell ... I bought 400 worth of heating oil 2 weeks ago. Last night, we ran out. So I covered up the kiddos with extra blankets and cried myself to sleep. Well, that would be an exageration actually, because I don't think you can call what I did last night, sleep. I called this morning and they are bringing me another $430 worth ... paid for with my mom's credit card ... because I am broke. This house is killing me in heating costs. Last year we burned wood and oil, and this year stbxH was supposed to put wood in the basement for us. Not. So this year I'm trying to get by on oil. But I can't. I'm tapped out. My mom is tapped out. And my sister is darn near not answering my calls. My mantra all fall was "get through to tax season" because I knew my refund would help dig me out but at this rate it won't do much anymore.

It's so hard to not resent him for his rental house and two income lifestyle. It's really hard to not be angry about no wood in the basement to offset the cost of oil when my babies woke up cold this morning and I have to take time of work, that I can't cover with vacation, in order wait for the oil man so I can bleed and restart the furnace.

On the other hand when I told him what was going on and asked for his help to figure something out he stepped up. He is making calls and trying to see if he can find anyone to deliver wood if we split the cost a bit. He doesn't have much to spend but any at all is more than I expected (since I truly had no expectations). Yet I know that he is in crisis. I know that his intention was not to hurt us, but to run. He can't see the consequences only his foggy path forward. And I also know that my choices and decisions contributed to the situation.

I am beyond stressed right now. I am juggling and starting to drop the balls. Stealing from Peter to pay Paul.

Breathe. Just breathe. I am going to be ok. I will figure this out because I can. Because I have no choice.

Breathe.

PEI