Thanks so much to all of you. When all of this began I started journaling. I kept it up for about a month and then stopped. Well yesterday I started again because I had a great many thoughts flying around my mind. I am trying to compartmentalize my brain. I am trying to focus on all the good things I have and and that I do which have nothing to do with her. It started to feel real to me that if I can give her something of the man I was and none of the bad she's dealt with for so long, maybe the tide will start to turn.
Two issues with our relationship are 1) I travel for work and leave her to hold down the fort for weeks and even a couple months at a time. She gets very lonely, and 2) she wants children and in the past I have not. But from the time of the last separation I told her that I was open to having children. This turned into me wanting children which I wanted to discuss with her but she left before that happened.
I have to say that I know she was very lonely the day we fought and I wasn't available to her the way that she needed me to be. I was in a hotel 5 hours away and in a rush to leave for work. Within a month she was moving out.
My W was set to graduate in the Spring. The work load was too much and so she dropped a class and will most likely not be finished with school until next Winter now. But I also think she is stalling. I know she is terrified of the future. She will not find a good job around here and so will have to leave her friends and family. If I then go off to work (I can live anywhere w/my job) she would be left utterly alone.
Grocerykartman- you asked about MY EA. I totally misread that the first time. Well I had been married for about 4 yrs when I met a woman while traveling for work. On again off again we would correspond over the next ten months. She wanted out of her marriage and we would vent to each other. In 01/08 I told my W that I didn't want to be married anymore. I was leaving for a few months of work and at the end of it I would go see the OW. Well I did and things were not good between us. I was always thinking of my W a bit but on St. Pats I decided to come home. That is significant because it is the day I asked my W to marry me. Later when my W left a year later she started a relationship with some guy that looked suspicious. That's when I told her of my EA to try to explain that it's not worth it and that you can turn things around. It should be noted that my BIL thinks my MIL believes I'm cheating on my W every time I travel.
So from 05/07 to 05/10 I had really checked out of our marriage. I have been a total a** to my W. I had finally emerged from my fog and had been making changes since then but it looks like a case of too little too late. God I hope I can turn this thing around.
