Need advice please!!! Not sure on next move?

[dixiegal]

I don't know if he has started to see someone. But, could be.

Though seperated we have seen each other every week, gone on vacations and etc. Until the big fight a few days before Christmas when he said, he was done with this. He couldnt keep me waiting anymore, but he just cant come home.

He texts he misses me every few days or sends a facebook msg. But, except for coming over to bring the dog. He has stayed away, barley spoke to me and etc.

He does not say, he loves me or anything just miss you. I'm a mess. Ive been seeing a counsler who says that our marraige could be saved. She suggested a couples retreat for those whom are seperated and etc. But, if I'm doing the LRT how can I ask him this?

[dixiegal]

HELP! I'm a wreck H coming to pick up Dog in the morning. Ive been doing the LRT. I went to see my Counselor she says to ask him to come and see her and her husband for a joint session. Plus, they want suggest we go to a Marraige retreat for couples whom are seperated and etc. But, how can I do that when the book says, no relationship talk?????

Please help....this is my last shot and I cant get it wrong. I'm a nervous wreck and trying to keep my emotions in check.

[MrBond]

Have you asked him to go to MC in the past? If he has said no, then don't bring it up.

If you really want to try something different, you could do this (but take note, you're going to have to be ready to fully go into it). When he picks up the dog, keep it short as if you had someplace to go. Tell him, thanks for taking the dog and that you've got to go to meet a friend for lunch or whatever. If he asks who the friend is, then just say a friend. Say goodbye with no hug or kiss and then run back into the house.

Be sure you look great and smell nice. If he calls later, don't answer the phone immediately. Just let stay coy. You have to get him to start wanting you again and not just temporarily. He has to see that he's going to lose you. See how that works.

Have the two of you been intimate while separated? I mean, you mention how you go on vacation together which is odd.

But that's just my .02.

[dixiegal]

Mr. Bond
We had been. But, my anger started to build and I stopped. Bad or Good i dont know. My resentment got out of control. We went to to see 2 different C in the past. Both said, we should just seperate and divorce. After, reading DR I know that was just wrong of the them! We then slipped back into our routine. He coming over on his day off, talking on the phone, taking vacays, trips, getting another dog together after our passed.

Heres the truth...everytime he got ready/acted/said he was thinking about coming home...I BLEW IT! My hurt and resentment built and I would get scared and shot him down.

But, I didnt see it at the time...now here I am. Eyes wide open to my faults. All our progress gone, just like that!

[MrBond]

You didn't blow it. Just think of it as a minor stumbling block. He has to be the one to come to you and not just think about it. This is still all about HIM in his mind. You need to get him to shift and start thinking about YOU.

When was the last time the two of you had ML?

[dixiegal]

Mr. Bond- it feels like that to me...because we are back to square one. It's been months and months..ML


So, I should not mention going to a different C? When he came to drop the dog last week. I froze! At one point he walked up to me and gave me "one arm hug" and said, "Hi". It was odd. Then this past Saturday. He texted to see how me and the dog were doing? Said, he missed us. Then yesterday I had to text him cause, of course the dog got sick He went back and forth abit about her (shes 125pd great dane then he said going to sleep let me know what the vet said.

Geez, Mr. Bond....I'm trying not to beat myself or read anything into his actions...but, after seeing the C and realizing my resentment was causing more issues and compounding his own guilt. I so scared, its too late...that he means it. He was heartless at Christmas...

[MrBond]

I was under the impression that both of you had not seen a C together. If he didn't want to go to C before, I wouldn't bring it up now. He has to be ready for it. If not, you are going to bear the brunt for all the "problems" in the marriage which you know isn't true.

Again, stop thinking that you blew it. If you did, he wouldn't be coming back even for the dog. Read some of the other sitches on here, you'll see what it's like when the spouse doesn't come back at all.

Honestly I stand by my statement of what to do when you see him. He has to feel you pulling away and that he is losing you, perhaps forever.

You need to get rid of the fear first and foremost. Before you see him, do something physical, like running to get rid of the anxiety. You have to be relaxed and confident. There was a poster named Lost Rabbit on here who did exactly what I had suggested above and it worked. Her sitch and yours are very similar in that the WAS kept in contact with each other. At the very least, try it this once.

[dixiegal]

We went to C in the past together. He was always open to going back then. We went together to see two different one. Till the C said, yall should divorce. That ended that...So, I will not mention going to see a new C or the Marragie retreat tomorrow.

Okay, Mr. Bond I'm gonna try it your way...I like your idea of taking a run or something. I think I will get up real early and take a LONG walk w/dog. Then get fixed up. He is coming mid morning he said to get her. When he comes in the house though, and starts getting all her stuff/crate/etc. I have to give him the details of her meds and that stuff. If he hugs me again (in that odd way) how should I respond? I mean, I'm prepared this time, so Ill be friendly and more myself. ( Then last time when I didnt say but a few words and wouldnt look at him. )

I should just show him the meds/directions, the vet said, and thank him for brining her and letting me have her for a week. Then say, well I have to run I have a Lunch appt. (he has a house key) Bye...RIGHT???

[lostinscared]

Dixie,

Bond hit the nail right on the head. They need to feel like he is losing you. That's it. There is no other way at this point. Is it a gamble, sure. What do you have to lose???

And please STOP THINKING THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE. It doesn't exactly work that way.

Now, I know the half hug!!! Your H and my H must have come up with that one together. Yup, give him the same half hug and pat him on the back. They flinch. It's almost hysterical. They expect you to make it more than the half hug then when they get the friendly pat, they are not sure what to do with that at all!

You are going to be ok. Keep telling yourself that. You are going to be ok. Your other plan about running to have lunch. I like it.

[MrBond]

If he leans in to hug you, just lean in but don't hug him back. Do you have pictures of the two of you around the house? You may want to take a few of those down if he's going to be around the house for awhile.

You are now a smart and strong independent woman.

Think of this example. You're Sandy at the end of "Grease". Remember how she changed into a badass and ignored the other men? It made them want her more.