Thinking the SSM is both our faults

[wanda15]

I am recently back on the wonderful site. I am thankful that it is here but sad that I am back. Right now I am posting on Newbies but I thought I would stop in here and talk about my SSM.

Right now I have a WAH. We have been together for 15 years and its been 15 years of a rollercoaster. I knew very early in our R that he watched porn. I really didn't know how much, but it did not really bother me. There were times we used to watch together until he started telling friends what turned me on ect... He has always had mags around and I have on quite a few occasions walked in on him masturbating. It made me feel embarrassed and I would turn around and leave the room. I have never said anything negative about it or gone out of my way to be mean. At that time all the porn he was looking at seemed to be "normal". (I will explain that part in a bit)

As our R progressed and I had 4 pregnancies, 2 which were successful. My sex drive during my pregnancies dropped a lot. When we had sex it was just for his purpose and usually only lasted a few minutes. He complained all the time that he wasn't getting enough sex. I usually ignored what his complaints were during this time. Most of the time I was tired or very sick. Being pregnant did not agree with my body.

Moving ahead a few years. SO the complaints of not enough sex continued. it was a weekly fight. But the more we fought the more he belittled me the less sex we had. And when I say less sex I mean it was down to once a week. So eventually H had an A about 4 years ago. We seperated for about 5 months but continued to have sex during most of the seperation. We even went on a holiday together and had 17 rounds of really good sex in 7 days. When we got back from our trip I recieved an email from him asking for a divorce. By this time I was DBing so I went dark. About a month later he came home wanting to work things out and admitted to the A. She was a friend and I was caught off guard.

For the first 6 months of H being back things were pretty good. He was understanding when I was having issues about the A and would just hold me and tell me how much he loves me. Eventuallyhe just expected me to forget about it and when I didn't he would get mad. And I guess that is where things started to go really wrong.

I noticed that his porn usage was starting to increase again. We had to move from our home and rent a crappy house in another town. Work was not going well for either one of us which escalated our fighting. But the fight s always went back to sex. Now by this point we were having sex at least 3 times a week. But I don't start it very often. And it is not minding blowing crazy porn sex that he is looking for.

So last year we bought a house because he said it was what he needed. Ever since we bought the househe has tried to leave. He will go away for a weekend and not tell me where he is. So again the fights starts. And it always comes back to sex.

Well I did some real soul searching and tried to figure out what was going on with me. What I came up with was I didn't trust him. So I sat him down one day and tried to explain what was going through my head and how I was feeling. That i was trying to work on trusting him but everytime thimgs were rough he would just walk away. so as soon as I felt I could breathe for a minute he would be gone again.

Sorry this is so long, I will try to wrap it up. So after our talk I started to discover his weird porn. I was on the computer one day and he had forgot to empty the history. And there it was...it was stuff like grandmas, very obeese women and a whole lot of she-males. This has completely freaked me out. I really just don't know what to do with this.

Anybody have any idea where to start?