I failled horribly...

[FellOnBlackDays]

MJ, Sad and Onestep,
Thanks for the kind words. What amazes me about all of this is the horrible emotional swings I continue to feel. I should feel great about what I did, yet this morning I kind of broke down anyway. I guess this will happen. I have decided that I will no longer feel bad about getting emotional as long as I am not in front of my W. For now, she cannot see that side of me for many reasons.

I do want to share two things I have discovered over the past week that I think would help everyone:

1) I have been expirementing for a couple weeks with my "environment shift theory" when the anxiety or mood swings hit and I am proud to announce it really helps. So, the next time you feel a bout of sadness coming on, change your environment. Leave the room you are in, call someone, surf the net, clean something, ANYTHING. It really, really seems to help. Now, don't rob yourself completely of the sad times. We must all feel that to really begin to heal. But, if you are in a situation where you can't afford a breakdown at that moment, change your environment.

2) EAT!! As I was writing down observations about myself in an attempt to combat this mess I am in, I noticed something. Whenever I get too upset or too busy to eat, I start to feel alot worse. Now, I make sure to not miss meals or at least snack in some way if I have to miss a meal for work. For whatever reason, my body gets really upset when I miss a meal or go long periods without eating. This in turn seems to cause the bouts of depression or anxiety. So, I am not suggesting stuffing your face with cheeseburgers, but keep your caloric intake at a steady and healthy level. I talked to my doctor about this and he stated that I am right on the money on this one. So, please everyone, don't forget to feed your body and it won't cause your mind so much trouble.

Please let me know if anyone has experienced these same issues or results. I would love to know if I can help just one person today. That is something I am trying to do to make my world and my world around me a better place.

Nothing much new to report on the S front. Still a bit buzzed and confused about some of my W's reactions last night. She did call me today as she promised to discuss some of the money issues we have to settle. She was very nice to me and wished me well at the end of the call. But, she seemed to be in a rush to get off the phone. That is a bit unusual as compared to how she has acted over the past two weeks. Stupidly, I let that get to me today. Not smart, but I am only human. I figure there could be three possible reasons why she did what she did today and I don't know which one is the truth:

1) Now that I have forced our interactions off of email and into face-to-face meetings, she is having to spend quite a bit of time with me. For weeks, she hid behind the "electronic wall" of email and texts. Now, she has to talk with me and I think it is getting to her a bit. It is really hard to sit there and face the one you once loved and tell them harmful stuff. Not to mention, it forces her to come to grips with what she is doing. She could be fearful of her own feelings. Spending all this time with me in our home may be getting to her.

2) She is just softening me up for the kill. If she is, she is one hell of an actress. Far better than I could have ever imagined. But, after looking into her eyes last night, I am not sure this is the case. I saw some true sorrow and doubt last night. Once again, having to face me and seeing this "new" version of me is probably tough. Well, at least I hope...

3) She is fearful that spending too much time on the phone with me will lead me into a false sense of hope. She has stated on at least three occasions that she does not want to give me "false hope" of a reconciliation because of what it might do to me. The last time she stated that, I replied politely with, "Don't worry about my emotions. Those are for me to control, not you. But I do value and appreciate your concern. Thank you!"

I know, I know. I am spending too much time worrying about her and I should be focused on me. But, I am just trying to "watch and monitor" as the DR instructed me to. Thoughts anyone?

I just found out tonight that she reached out via email to my mother and sister this week. Something she has not done in some time. I just don't get it. There were moments last night where I could see true doubt in her eyes. There were moments where I caught her just looking intently at me. I clearly could tell when it was time to leave, she seemed to stall. But, at other times, she was clearly checked out mentally. I told my C about this and he claims that this is a clear sign that she is as, if not more, confused by all of this than I am and that I need to make sure that I stay the course so that one of us is on track. So, now I have another really important reason to continue to DB.

Good luck tomorrow to all my B.I.T.S.!

FOBD