Albuquerque living part 2: Road to recovery?

[Albuquerque]

Update,

Just got back from spending 3 days at the conference. My H has been there for a week now and will still be there for another week. I knew x-OW would be there. I didn't realize she'd be WORKING at the conference along with my H. But it's not surprising since she's done that in previous years.

I arrived Friday evening and saw H briefly. He's always super stressed at this event and it's normal for us to have very limited contact. In fact, we decided that D would sleep with me in the bed and H would sleep on the couch (his job gives him a suite) in an adjacent room so that in case he woke up due to insomnia (almost a guarantee) he could work without bothering anyone. I wasn't too keen on the idea but it made sense.

On Saturday morning I went to the registration desk to get checked into the conference. That's when I discovered OW working the desk. I wasn't exactly looking for her but there she was. I walked up to the desk and gave my name to the person and then realized she was about 5 feet away doing some other stuff. My heart started beating fast and my hands shook a bit. But I kept it together and just concentrated on continuing to be nice and bubbly to the staff and held my head high. I acted oblivious but since I had to give my name and she was within earshot, she HAD to know. In fact, although I couldn't directly observe, I'm pretty sure I made her quite anxious. Once I got my stuff, I calmly walked away with D in tow and walked into the room where my H was working. I didn't mention it. Like I said, he has enough to deal with and he did tell me in advance that she'd be around. I let H know that I got my stuff and D and I went off to get lunch. By that time, I was feeling quite confident and secure. As TAMF pointed out, I have nothing to be ashamed of. I did nothing wrong. I have every right to be there and will not be changing my behavior. So I made it a point to walk by the desk again on the way to lunch.

I didn't see her again that day but D and I had a good time. On Sunday, I got up early (D was still sleeping) and went to see H prior to going to some of the sessions. While I was sitting in the back room with H just chatting, another one of H's coworkers was asking him a question. I was just sitting there listening to her ask him a question when x-OW walked in the room. I glanced (as anyone would when someone walks in) and then calmly glanced back to continue to listen to the coworker. Not sure if H noticed but not sure how he couldn't. But he kept it together and acted as oblivious as me. Not sure why she walked in, but then she walked through and walked out another door. I liked that she saw me there casually sitting next to H wearing my kick ass new thigh high boots.

Later in the afternoon, I walked back into the backroom to say hi to H. I had D with me and we both were sitting there. I was busy doing something and didn't even see x-OW walk into the room and sit at a computer. Once I realized she was there, I realized how awful my H was probably feeling inside. But to his credit, he acted fine. I acted oblivious as well. But made sure to hang out long enough for it to be annoying (to her). Eventually, I walked out with D, again with my head held high.

Overall, I enjoyed my time at the conference but found myself getting frustrated with H. He kept me at arms length nearly the whole time. Although he was the one that insisted I buy my kick ass boots and seemed excited about it, he didn't mention them at all when I wore them. He didn't actually kiss me until last night as he was going back to work at 3 am. I felt like D and I were more in his way than anything else. BUT. I didn't say anything. It just wasn't the right time.

Like I said, this is always a very very very difficult couple of weeks for him. He's grouchy and distant on a good year. Throw in MLC and an x-OW walking around and he was a mess. In fact I asked him on Sunday how many Xanax he'd taken and he said "more than is healthy". Did I have worries? Big time. Sure. When he left me at 3 am to go work, I would be lying if the thought that maybe he was going to have a rendez-vous with the OW didn't enter my head. But to his credit, even when he was involved with OW, it was months AFTER the bomb and he had already told me he was done with the marriage (part of the reason why he doesn't feel like he did anything wrong in that respect). So I must tackle these trust issues head on. And leaving the city, knowing that H is stuck in a hotel alone where x-OW is also staying can't be any bigger demonstration of trust. And I mean that for myself, as much as for my H. Distrust can eat you alive and I don't choose to live that way. I will do my best to keep my thoughts positive but still be keenly aware and observant. As the conference winds down, the stress on H will be reduced greatly and he will be able to finally catch up on sleep. At some point, I will want to discuss the past week with him, but not now. I have been taking his distance recently quite personally (hard not to) but I think he needs his space right now. I don't sense he's reconsidering anything. In fact, he introduced me as his wife to one of the hotel staff. That was the first time I'd heard that in a long time.

The plan thus far is for D and I to accompany H and his friends to do some SCUBA diving this upcoming weekend once the conference ends. H mentioned today though, that he was considering not going. This too, sadly, is par for the course. He always schedules a relaxing trip after the conference and then always regrets it because usually he's so exhausted and a bit tired of dealing with his friends (who he hires to help him out at the conference). So he probably will regret it but NOT bail on the trip.

Regardless of what happens with the weekend trip, I look forward to having this conference behind me. It has been a worry on both of us. H had tons to deal with work wise. I could see it. Unfortunately, I don't think he has even considered what kind of stress it has been on me. I struggled with headaches all weekend and I'm pretty damn sure it was my patented stress headaches making their return. But unfortunately as is the case with MLC, H is focused on himself only (and in a way it's necessary). I must continue to take care of myself.

This will be an interesting week.