Situation Normal; All Flummoxed Up

[PEI]

Rough night tonight. My D8 tells me over the phone that she met OM and his sons yesterday. W says she didn't know he was going to be there. Apparently he was introduced as W's friend, who was also there.

I'm really not sure how to feel about this. W didn't tell me last night when I called to say goodnight to the kids. Do I stop goodnight calls? Talking to W right now is too painful.

Oh buddy ... this bites. And I get it, cause I've been where you now stand. My stbxH even had a convo with me about NOT exposing the kids, just days before he did while I was out of town. Right now you can not have any expectations of your W, including the decisions she makes with regards to the kids (within reason - if they aren't in physical danger, she's going to have a right to parent "her way" on "her time"). This is probably one of the hardest things for us recovering control freaks, wrapping our heads around this reality. It has been for me. For me, I had to stop using the term co-parenting ... it implied co-operation. Instead I think of it as parallel parenting. Separate paths, same objective ... the best we can for our kids, in our way on our time.

Those good night call mean the world to YOUR KIDS. Sometimes this isn't about you or your W. Sometimes you have to do what's right even when it rips the guts right out of you. How do you think they would feel if those calls stopped? Do you think they would understand your reasons and motivations, however healthy and just? Do what you can to limit the interaction with your W if you need to, do not engage in conversation with her, simply ask for you babies and say good night. Do not have her take the phone again when they are done. Don't ever forget how much our children internalize and interpret without sharing it with us. And no, I'm not trying to guilt you ... just a reminder from one parent of young, struggling kids to another.

Also, how do I now treat W's friend who's the only friend who knows about OM? She is apparently supportive of W's actions. Our kids are very close because W isn't capable of doing anything alone with my kids.

My advice? Business-like. Again, for the kids, your children do not need to lose their friends in the midst of this carnival ride. Peer support is very important to kids. That being said, no one says you have to maintain a friendship with this woman, pre-arranged playdates by text or email, drop offs or a book to read while they play are all ok!

I'm looking for some wisdom because I am doing everything I can to fight off the rage.

Yup. Rage. Deal ... process ... and find an outlet ... I know you have some issues with injuries and stuff so maybe you have to get creative. Hammer nails into boards. A punching bag. Break old dishes. Burn stuff in a bonfire or a fireplace. Different strokes for different folks.

You are doing ok ... keep on truckin'

Peace
PEI