Situation Normal; All Flummoxed Up

[crushednstuck]

Thanks for the post MHL, good to see you back here - to touch base at least.
I feel like I've really run through most of my options at this point. The initial pain of the betrayal led me to set hard boudaries, limit my contact and she did bristle at that.

Went to MC briefly to hear her anger and then decided to change tack and show some affection; hugs, pats, etc. And I called to update her on what I'd been up to with the kids and job. I figured what did I have to lose. It was already gone so put myself out there a little further, be positive and things might happen.

But now after our last few exchanges, I really don't want to be around her. Of course the physical attraction is still there, but I don't like how I feel when leaving. I'm aware these changes in boundaries are inconsistent and schizophrenic, but it's all I can do to find some comfort. Her response has been unchanged, so why not do things to keep me sane?

Perhaps my marriage defined me too much. Maybe that's why I'm hanging on so long. She's already noticed the change. Nothing mean, just pleasant, but brief conversations. I did disclose that I was upset about D meeting OM. I couldn't hide my anger and disappointment. No faking a smile through that.

Earlier on I needed reassurance from women that I'm OK, desirable, etc. Then I started posting here and reading more. I'm moving forward by attending services more often and have found a decent, but nerdy Christian men's group that seems to have priorities right. So I'm developing a new relationship with God, nurturing the one I have with my kids and trying to figure out where to go with work. W will hate the career decision I'm about to make. But I can't be worried about her reaction to my life decisions anymore.

I still miss the companionship of a woman (preferably my W) because I do feel loneliness. But it is further down the priority list now. When I get a good handle on the other things in life, develop some friendships, pray a little more; I may bump it up.

Best of luck on your current path MHL. Sounds exciting.