Am I piecing ? Just can't tell 3...

[Sad_but_happy]

Yes, every day... Always pleasant... I've even been reading our book to her (his needs, her needs) over the phone (at her request)...

I know what your all thinking. I should be happy where I am... And you're right... It doesn't bring my anxiety down though...

I hope you guys and gals can understand... Piecing is just as hard.

[MrBond]

Piecing is hard. Question though. Why do you read it to her? Are you doing this over the phone when you're gone? Do you discuss it after?

[Sad_but_happy]

Yes I read it two of the three nights she was at her GF house and I've taken it with me to my business trip in the event I read to her tonight and the next few nights.

Last night we discussed it a bit. She told me that she was afraid she would fail. That she knows I have needs too. And she acknologed that I have been much better.

Ishe said this is her problem. What I believe she was referring to is she needs to work on falling in love again on her own. She admitted it was on her and that there was nothing more I could do. I believe she wants to love me.


Any input how to piece and detach. I realize she needs to miss me to get those "in love" feelings back.

Thoughts?

Phone almost dead...

[MrBond]

I feel like she needs to read the book herself. You reading it is like you're preaching it to her. I can see if you were doing it together, but honestly you don't even know if she's listening.

If she responds back and asks questions about what you read, then maybe. But right now it sounds more like a parent teaching a child. You're right that SHE has to get those feelings back and the first step in doing so is for her to take the initiative.

That's why I suggested that rather than focussing so much on the R, take the time just to go out and have fun. Go out on an adrenaine fueled date with no expectations. Sometimes concentrating so much on a R will bum you out because you both EXPECT to feel something. Then when you don't, it bums you out even more.

[Sad_but_happy]

We usually read together in bed. We are just reading over the phone cause we have been apart. Reading together is much better and we do discuss the chapters.

So far we finished:
"Surrendering to Marriage"

And we are reading:
"His Needs, Her Needs"

Next is the following:
"Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus"
"12 Steps to a Happy Marriage"

Should I ask her to read them herself? Am I pursuing by reading to her?

I'm going to ask again... How to you piece and detach?

Is there an answer?

[MrBond]

Everyone does it differently, but you can't piece AND detach. They are two different things. When you're in piecing, both of you make a conscience decision to work things out. It's proactive on both parts.

What has your W done independently to help to heal your M and make it stronger and better? That's why I wasn't sure if you reading to her was proactive enough.

If she really does discuss the chapters, then what does she say about the His Needs part? She has to understand that if she wants to heal things with you. If she's still thinking about her own needs, then she's not ready for full piecing yet.

Don't detach now if you feel she's drawing closer to you. Just be aware that couples who do end up reconciling go through a series of false reconciliations. But if both of you stick with your efforts, you can come out the other side stronger than ever.

[Sad_but_happy]

Thanks Bond.

I don't believe she is fully piecing. She says she wants to make it work. We sit together every night. Spoon, etc. There are times when she shows affection but its much less then me. She acknologed last night that I have needs and that she is aware of these needs and I think she feels her time is limited as far as ME putting up with this. I assured her I can wait to ML.

The next chapter in "His Needs Her Needs" is:

"The first Thing HE Can't Do Without, Sexual Fulfilment"


Should be interesting. Should I skip this chapter so she does not feel pressured?

[Sad_but_happy]

Actually, maybe she is piecing but she is guarded. Afraid of getting hurt... Let me take stock of the past 6 months:

1. Will hug and kiss on lips
2. Spoons every night (two times she made a point to face me)
3. We sit on same chair and drink wine every night
4. We have fun and laugh
5. She says she wants to make it work
6. We read books together

Does your W need to feel "in love" to piece or just agree that she wants to work on the mariage.

Her actions seem to be telling me what her lips are not...

Trying to listen and understand. But I am a man. We are simple cretures! JUST TELL ME!!!

[Sad_but_happy]

Cold, Harrier, Lost, Bond, Sandi and everyone else...

I just want to say thank you for helping with my sitch. Even though I may not respond to you specifically, I read every word you write and learn from you all.

You and everyone else have been life savers...

And though I MUST appear aggogant and conceeded, I'm truly not. This sitch makes people crazy and irrational... We (or I) write things we/I don't mean to satisfy my/our own insecurities.It's my way of building a wall..

Ex. "If she doesn't want me I'll find OW"...

This would be great and fulfilling if I only wanted OW. But I want my W. In fact, dare I say that I would be discusted and ashamed if I were to go out with OW. So I will continue to work...

Keep slaming me with 2x4's when I need them. I'm convinced that it will keep me on the right path...

Good night all...

[Denver_2010]

Sad - I am not nearly to the piecing stage of this process... I hope to be someday. Point is, I can't really answer your question on that issue.

But I have been reading your thread for a while, and it just seems that you and W are trying SO HARD to do this that it almost seems unnatural. How did you make her fall in love with you when you first met? My guess is that you didn't sit in bed reading self help books to each other. It seems to me that you two are almost over thinking it. Kind of like a ball player who is over thinking his swing and then goes into a 2 for 50 slump.

Start going out and doing the stuff that you did when you were dating. In fact, if it were me in your shoes, I would seriously consider asking her to go to some nice all inclusive beach resort in Mexico for 7-10 days with no kids, no work, no other stresses. Relax with your W a little, lay out in the sun, do some fun activities, have a few drinks and see where it takes you. Let her feel how much fun the two of you can have together without all of life's stresses interrupting the flow. Take a second honeymoon!

I'm not sure if that is realistic for you, or if W would go for it, but it just seems that you need to do something that lets nature take its course. And nature led her to falling in love with you once before.

JMHO,
Denver