Detaching and going dark are two different things.
You can detach without going dark, and go dark without being detached.
Detaching is about YOU emotionally. Going dark is about the interactions in your relationship--stopping pursuit.
So you can be her friend and detach, which means you don't do things out of emotional need. I know it feels confusing until you get the hang of it, because the goal of DB IS to get change the behaviors of your spouse by changing your own actions.
Detaching lets you make rational decisions. Your FIL knows your wife, and he means well. Your DBer friends often know best. Not always, but often. Your Coach really is an expert. If your coach and DBers agree, and you do something different, you probably let your emotions get the best of you.
It's ok. You just move forward. It's just information (her response), that lets you adjust accordingly. If you treat it that way--you're advance towards being detached.
