H told his best friend that he plans to move back into the house because financially it makes the most sense. Although I told him this, he thinks it's his own plan.. lol.. I heard this from bf's wife so I'm just waiting for him to approach me regarding it. I think he'll wait till after the assessment of our property tomorrow.
While the thought of him moving back home terrifies me, I have realized that I want my husband back regardless of the affair and I truly believe he's having a MLC despite his age because he's displaying all the classic symptoms.
I believe this is the second chance that I need. He is still clearly focused on fixing the house and selling and moving on with his life as quickly as possible because he's in serious denial. I think if we're under the same roof he'll see I've already GAL as he made reference to me 'going out all the time now' so he has noticed. He can't see my 180 just yet because we rarely see each other but if he sees me daily and interacts with me I'm positive he will. I have made many mistakes throughout our separation thus far but I've been doing my homework and think I'm getting a better handle on things now and desperately want to make all the right moves.
Just this morning he was trying to get me worked up over something through an email regarding the house. I just replied "you are correct. Let's see what the realtor says" and left it at that.
Am I just kidding myself or is this a good thing ? Am I holding onto a fantasy that I can make him see he's made a mistake or will this be a disaster ?
Please help.
Me-41 H-34 T-9 M-8 10/21/10-BOMB 11/01/10-H moves out 01/27/12-H files
"Good memories tell you that your past was worth it, bad ones tell you that you were strong enough to go on"
Is this an opportunity? Be careful what you read into it. Perhaps its a chance for him to see you at your best. Look your best, PMA, be pleasant, but be aloof, mysterious. Let him see you GAL'ing. Perhaps its what he says and it just financially makes sense. Don't let him reaffirm why he left in his mind. Remember to remain detached.
I am worried about losing my heart to him again and being hurt by him if he's just using me to gain financial freedom but at the same time I want to prove how strong I am and make him see the positive changes in myself.
I refuse to make the same mistakes and I want him to question why he ever left me without force feeding it to him, he needs to come to that conclusion on his own and based on my actions hopefully he will.
Detachment is SO hard but I WILL do it.
Me-41 H-34 T-9 M-8 10/21/10-BOMB 11/01/10-H moves out 01/27/12-H files
"Good memories tell you that your past was worth it, bad ones tell you that you were strong enough to go on"
When my husband blocked me out of the accounts he forgot to cancel his paper statements so they came to the house yesterday. I opened them. I know they are addressed to him but I've been struggling for months trying to make ends meet because he has refused to give me any money towards bills and any other expenses except for one minor mortgage payment and I needed to see if he was withholding money.
I thought he was broke because of the business and the fact he's been preaching about how broke he is. His bank statements say otherwise. He deposited almost 5 grand into his business account right before Christmas.
Why would he let me struggle like this ? He also said he'll be moving back in because he can't afford to live on his own.. clearly he's doing okay.
I'm not sure what to read into this.
Me-41 H-34 T-9 M-8 10/21/10-BOMB 11/01/10-H moves out 01/27/12-H files
"Good memories tell you that your past was worth it, bad ones tell you that you were strong enough to go on"
We had the realtor come to look at the house last night. It was a very rude awakening for H as suspected, but I'm glad he now realizes the amount of work we have to do and the loss we'll take if we sell as is.
He has decided to move back home the end of the month ONLY for financial reasons and has agreed to pay half of everything again while we fix up the house in order to sell.
I know i have to detach but I struggle with not asking him about the affair.. I was very calm and rational and didn't yell. We talked about how sad this situation all is and I even sensed remorse on a few topics although he would never admit it to me I could read it in him.
I have 2 weeks before he moves back home.. I need to prepare, i'm scared I'm going to do something wrong while he's at the house. GAL & 180 are working as he's made reference to a few things but i'm worried about relapsing and getting emotional around him or pestering him about R.
Ugh.
Me-41 H-34 T-9 M-8 10/21/10-BOMB 11/01/10-H moves out 01/27/12-H files
"Good memories tell you that your past was worth it, bad ones tell you that you were strong enough to go on"
Wow. Ok, 2 weeks to prepare... you can do this!!!!
How?... I'll let the more experienced ones give you good advice. I have some ideas though:
- You have to GAL even more. - Have back up plans, places to go, people to see if you need to get out of the house. - If you feel yourself getting upset, smile, say you have plans and leave. - Do more 180's. - Have boundaries. Separate bedrooms, separate meals, etc. - Treat him like a roommate. - Keep a bill ledger, post it on the fridge of who paid what, when, how much. - Buy some books, join Netflix.... have some things that you can turn to immediately to "escape" if you need to inside the house. - Actively work on the house, work towards the goal of selling it. - Act "as if" you've moved on, are carefree, happy. - Look good but don't over do it (ie put on makeup to paint the house). - Start working out if you're not already - Don't ask him about his day, ask for his help around the house, etc. He's a roommate.
I'm sure others will have more ideas or correct any of mine if they are bad. Post here when you need to vent, cry, etc. You can do it!
Me - 38, 2nd M, no living children, 1 forever 6 yr old boy H - 44, 3rd M, twins 16
Dating 4/07 M 10/08 Bomb #1 12/10 Bomb #2 1/11 Bomb #3 12/11
I think you are in for a very difficult challenge. Living under the same roof and knowing he's in an A is going to take a big toll on you. If you cannot control your emotions (and actions)while he's living apart from you...how do you think you'll be stronger now?
Not trying to dash your hopes, but being realistic. He's made it very clear what his reasons are for moving back. If you do not have some plan in mind, you will be setting yourself up for more hurt. Are you prepared for that?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
He's not with her anymore, she's still in his life but I think he realized it was a huge mistake, he even told me it was a mistake, reluctantly of course. I'm not sure if I believe him because I heard the 'just friends' line for months.. but she's doing his taxes.. maybe he's using her. I don't know what to think really.
I'm already heartbroken and hurt.. but I'm also willing to do whatever it takes.. i need to at least try. If there is even a remote possibility I can get my H back I want to strive for that.
I know it's going to be very hard but I feel this is the one shot I may ever get and if i do everything i can and it doesn't work out then at least i'll know i tried my hardest and can move on with my life secure in that knowledge.
I admit i've been erratic and have made some serious errors along the way, but I've improved immensely over the last few weeks and I'm certain I can be strong enough for this, it means that much to me.
I just need guidance I guess.. have been absorbed on this site trying to prepare myself and need to figure out exactly how to approach this.
Me-41 H-34 T-9 M-8 10/21/10-BOMB 11/01/10-H moves out 01/27/12-H files
"Good memories tell you that your past was worth it, bad ones tell you that you were strong enough to go on"
I mean, he's been a lunatic for months so the fact that he's acting 'normal' has me worried.. and I'm automatically jumping to conclusions that he's not being sincere. I simply don't trust him.
We had a plumber come to the house last night as we've had a block for about a month and with him not paying me I haven't been able to afford to have it fixed.
When the plumber left, H forked over the half for the cost without having to be asked. He's not arguing over the money he owes me, he's emailing me to say 'thank you' for helping him out with certain things and he's been in a positive mood about moving into the house and fixing it up and we're being civil.
I don't know what to think.
Me-41 H-34 T-9 M-8 10/21/10-BOMB 11/01/10-H moves out 01/27/12-H files
"Good memories tell you that your past was worth it, bad ones tell you that you were strong enough to go on"
This is a state that you will need to expect for months to come. You cannot read anything into his moods, actions, reactions, words, or messages he may send. If you try to figure him out, you'll lose yourself along the way. You have to be prepared with a plan for yourself.
First step in your plan needs to be "No mind reading into anything from him". Hope for the best....but prepare for the worst. If you begin looking for any positive signs at this point, I'm concerned you will constantly feel disappointed.
Again, I'm not telling you not to try to work on your M. I I think having another opportunity is great. But you are seeing it from one viewpoint and he is thinking entirely differently about moving back into the house.
The ONLY reason he's being nice is b/c he "needs" you to allow him to live there, since he can't make it financially. Expect and prepare for the times he will not be nice (after he moves back). What is the plan?
Stay realistic about OW. She may not want him sponging off of her, but that doesn't mean she's out of the picture. Believe nothing you hear him say and only half of what you see him do.
So.....onward with a plan. What do you plan to do when he doesn't show up with his half of payment on something? It will happen, so be ready with a plan.
You just can't fly by the seat of your pants and think it's all going to fall into a lovely place. Have a fall-back plan ready for action for whatever negative thing he throws your way.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
