18 Years of Marriage - Leaving in June

[habitacker]

All posts by veterans I have seen say, Do Not let her know you are using this site or DB book. She will think you are just using a manual for step by step instructions to get her back. That translates into everything you are doing is not really you.

By asking this question it shows you are still searching for some kind of device that is going to fix things. If you go to her with self-help books, MC, religion,etc. it is going to push her away.

In her mind, she is done with the marriage. By talking about R, or bringing her info on trying to save marriage, you are forcing her to do something she has no interest in doing. Do you like it when someone forces you to do things you don't want to do? If you had an option you wouldn't do it. Well, she has that option. She is holding all the cards. You have to play by her rules until you get dealt a better hand, or you don't want to play the game anymore.

All you can do right now is be the man YOU want to be. If you think that is the same man she wants to be in love with, great. If you are looking for her to notice everyday that you have changed, you have a long,long sad road. It isn't going to happen overnight. I am at 4 months and have seen no change, but it hasn't gotten any worse.

Don't focus so much on the household chores either, these are nice, but it isn't really what she is looking for. I think my W was actually annoyed by it at first. I did not stop because I was afraid she would see it as a temporary thing to get her back. Over time it looks like she has gotten more comfortable with it.

Focus more on you. I know it sounds selfish, but if she doesn't like who you are, why would she be interested?

Do you like yourself the way you are? If so, you might as well get the D, because she doesn't. This is why you make changes for yourself.

Here is the hard part for me about changes. I feel restricted in the changes I can make. I can be a better father,not be a mean angry person,etc.etc. But, one of the things I really want to do is be more loving and affectionate towards my wife, and I bet you do to. We can't do that right now. It is hard, but we can't. It will push them away.

For the first week after bomb, I was affectionate. Started hugging and kissing good-bye and hello. We think this is what they want, it is NOT. My W was horrified by this, even though she kissed me back and acted like it was ok. Don't do it.

As for what you need to do in more specifics? Sandi2 has a wonderful list if she wouldn't mind posting it again. I am sure you have seen it, but you are not doing it. It's ok, I didn't either. It takes awhile to get through to us in the beginning. These veterans have to feel like they are wasting there time with the newbies, because we just don't listen.

Here is the biggest thing of all. I don't know how you feel about God, but I have noticed something that is pushed on us over and over by the word of God, and DBing. They have something in common. "PATIENCE" They tell us to have patience over and over again.

My point is that I have struggled with putting all my efforts with DBing, or with God. Well, I found a common factor with both of them and, feel they are both on my side. If everywhere I look, even outside DBing, says to have patience, I think someone is trying to make a point.

Well, take this all for what it is worth. I am the same as you. If I am wrong, the vets will tell you.

Good Luck.