18 Years of Marriage - Leaving in June

[Scared2Def]

I wish there was a "Like" option that I could select for Habit's post. It's so true, and I'm in the same spot now...I finally feel I've detached. I feel confident in myself - no idea where my M will be, but at least I'm using a strategy that is having positive result for ME.

This is obviously not an easy road no matter which road you take, but we can all do it. We can get to a place where we can be in control of ourselves - empower ourselves to be happy and work on being the person we want to be, because regardless of our W's we need to be the best Dad's, Son's, Brother's, Friend's...that we can be!!

Canada,

My wife is listening to her Ipod singing out loud downstairs and I am in the atic with the kids. I know she was on this forum for some time, but she was the WAW and still was looking for advice.

Would it be dumb to mention to her I am trying this now?

[Scared2Def]

When the kids were approached, did you say anything or did your W do the talking?

I chimed in some but she started the conversation. I think my kids know I do not want this, I think they see it id drivin by her.

What the hell.

My wife was on these forums early on in our situation last July-Sep. Should I let her know i am on here now too working on the same things? Or is this a secret?

[ScaredinCanada]

I wish there was a "Like" option that I could select for Habit's post. It's so true, and I'm in the same spot now...I finally feel I've detached. I feel confident in myself - no idea where my M will be, but at least I'm using a strategy that is having positive result for ME.

This is obviously not an easy road no matter which road you take, but we can all do it. We can get to a place where we can be in control of ourselves - empower ourselves to be happy and work on being the person we want to be, because regardless of our W's we need to be the best Dad's, Son's, Brother's, Friend's...that we can be!!

Canada,

My wife is listening to her Ipod singing out loud downstairs and I am in the atic with the kids. I know she was on this forum for some time, but she was the WAW and still was looking for advice.

Would it be dumb to mention to her I am trying this now?

I don't know if it's a good idea to mention specifically that your using DB "tactics" or that your getting advice from this website regardless if your W came her before. 2 reasons for this...

1) You said your W came her in the past, she may or may not think positively of the experience or may not believe that you are really changing for YOU if she thinks your doing what people you do not even know are telling you to do.

2) I tried to tell my W a number of weeks ago, that I was getting advice from an online forum/support group for marriage issues. She resented it big time, because she thought I was using it to make me her feel like "everyone goes through this" or "our sitch is not different" she wants to believe that we have "all these specific problems that are unique to our sitch" because she wants to believe she is doing the right thing.

I'm honestly done telling her these things or trying to convince her to try. I'm becoming a new person both physically and emotionally, and if she is too stubborn to see that or she doesn't believe I'm really changing - then that's her loss.

I'm just worried that eventually she grows to regret what she's lost and by then I may have completely moved on, and there won't be a place in my heart for her anymore - but I have to remind myself that there is nothing I can do to change her. I need to remain focused on changing me, and be there for my kids while being a much more thoughtful and considerate person to all the people in my life.

Good luck sir, I know you can do it - because only a few weeks ago I didn't think I could. Now I KNOW I can.

SIC

[Scared2Def]

Thanks man, I see what your saying, I just seek confirmation too much form her. I do need to move on and I think I am slowly coming around. [censored] that it is taking this long and that she is tired of waiting.

Today I saw a small glimmer, we had a very heated discussion and instead of walking out she actually sat back down. She ended up leaving shortly after but I could see that when she sat down it was because she felt it.

[habitacker]

All posts by veterans I have seen say, Do Not let her know you are using this site or DB book. She will think you are just using a manual for step by step instructions to get her back. That translates into everything you are doing is not really you.

By asking this question it shows you are still searching for some kind of device that is going to fix things. If you go to her with self-help books, MC, religion,etc. it is going to push her away.

In her mind, she is done with the marriage. By talking about R, or bringing her info on trying to save marriage, you are forcing her to do something she has no interest in doing. Do you like it when someone forces you to do things you don't want to do? If you had an option you wouldn't do it. Well, she has that option. She is holding all the cards. You have to play by her rules until you get dealt a better hand, or you don't want to play the game anymore.

All you can do right now is be the man YOU want to be. If you think that is the same man she wants to be in love with, great. If you are looking for her to notice everyday that you have changed, you have a long,long sad road. It isn't going to happen overnight. I am at 4 months and have seen no change, but it hasn't gotten any worse.

Don't focus so much on the household chores either, these are nice, but it isn't really what she is looking for. I think my W was actually annoyed by it at first. I did not stop because I was afraid she would see it as a temporary thing to get her back. Over time it looks like she has gotten more comfortable with it.

Focus more on you. I know it sounds selfish, but if she doesn't like who you are, why would she be interested?

Do you like yourself the way you are? If so, you might as well get the D, because she doesn't. This is why you make changes for yourself.

Here is the hard part for me about changes. I feel restricted in the changes I can make. I can be a better father,not be a mean angry person,etc.etc. But, one of the things I really want to do is be more loving and affectionate towards my wife, and I bet you do to. We can't do that right now. It is hard, but we can't. It will push them away.

For the first week after bomb, I was affectionate. Started hugging and kissing good-bye and hello. We think this is what they want, it is NOT. My W was horrified by this, even though she kissed me back and acted like it was ok. Don't do it.

As for what you need to do in more specifics? Sandi2 has a wonderful list if she wouldn't mind posting it again. I am sure you have seen it, but you are not doing it. It's ok, I didn't either. It takes awhile to get through to us in the beginning. These veterans have to feel like they are wasting there time with the newbies, because we just don't listen.

Here is the biggest thing of all. I don't know how you feel about God, but I have noticed something that is pushed on us over and over by the word of God, and DBing. They have something in common. "PATIENCE" They tell us to have patience over and over again.

My point is that I have struggled with putting all my efforts with DBing, or with God. Well, I found a common factor with both of them and, feel they are both on my side. If everywhere I look, even outside DBing, says to have patience, I think someone is trying to make a point.

Well, take this all for what it is worth. I am the same as you. If I am wrong, the vets will tell you.

Good Luck.

[Scared2Def]

I just find the whole change for me thing weird. I am changing to keep my family intact. I want to be a better person of course and I see the errors I have made in the past and I am going to change them.

But I just cannot grasp the for me only thing.

[habitacker]

I know how you feel. That is where I am at also. I can't detach, it feels like I am giving up.

It gives you this feeling like everyone is just telling you to detach because they all know our M is over and they are preparing us for the end.

The changes are for me, but my family is "ME".

Maybe the detaching is in a way temporary, because we are smothering our wives. If we don't detach, we will never leave them alone to figure things out for themselves. We want to help them figure things out, but we can't. We can not change what they are feeling, only they can. We will only make it worse.

Remember, men are fixers. We want it fixed now.

Our wives do not like us at this moment, why would they listen to us? We are the ones who caused all this in the first place, why would they think we can fix it? We are the last person on the face of the earth they would listen to.

MrBond had some great advice on detaching on a different post about a week ago, but I can't find it.

[Scared2Def]

i am genuinely trying. I guess it takes time. I just cannot get past her NOT WANTING me. ARRGGG

[habitacker]

This is not the post I was looking for, but this is good also.

On page 3 of "DBing but its a daily struggle" post #2118830 by MrBond.

About detaching.

[Scared2Def]

I just checked it out. I see the post. man, this makes no sense but I also see the potential for my wife to start realizing it can be better between us as soon as she sees how her negative thoughts of the past do not have to be in our future.

We both have individual counseling tomorrow and marriage counseling on Wednesday!