Frustrated, Back Again, the Saga continues

[Xabian]

Good question, can i? I guess if im still asking then there's a sign there.

However, i just learned that W lied this about this morning, it was not a visit to C but a lawyer. Quickly this is turning to talking about her rights and a separation agreement...if we can work out an agreement and use the same lawyer it could be a lot cheaper she says...maybe so but.

Things seems to be developing fast. Now the bathroom reno will happen next tuesday, how we pay for it i dont know. I was so mad when she told me of her lie i just offered to shut my mouth and not say anything, and i finished doing the dishes like the chump i am (after i cooked supper).

We had a more recent conversation but i dont wish to relay it at this time. Needless to say in her opinion marriage counselling wont do jack.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Curious but what happened 10 years ago?

It seems like you busted your divorce, but what happened after that, did you both just settle for each other?

Not being obtuse here, just wondering if you both fell back into old habits and didn't keep yourself or the other accountable.

As suffering from nice guy syndrome myself, I'd recommend finding a book called Hold Onto Your NUTS (Non-negotiable, Unalterable Terms), and its been 10 years man, brush up on Divorce Remedy its the newer version of DB.

Your not a chump, but right now all the 'nice' things your doing its building resentment...seems like for awhile now. All work no pay.

[Xabian]

10 years ago i averted a WAS situation by finding DB and applying it. It worked for a time. Most of those habits continued. I don't think the underlying issues my W has were ever resolved though despite my efforts. She's went through every kind of physical test and been to counselling to resolve her unhappiness issues over years and years. There has been no resolution. My years of giving but years of neglect on her part and the environment of unhappiness (and loneliness) has taken its toll on me and perhaps changed my behaviour, especially in the last 2 years. I can't sit here truly and be an impartial judge to my own behaviour. I know i am not perfect and have many faults my own.

There was an interesting turn of events last night. I apologized for maybe being curt and angry after she told me about the lawyer. I explained that of course having a separation agreement and using the same lawyer if things were amicable was 'likely' okay. It seems the lawyer did present the rules and options as they are and she now talking about only a legal separation for the foreseeable future and not D.

I took it a step forward, and i know its not always advised here, but i copied and printed the first few sections of Divorce Remedy and asked W to read it. I copied it to remove any obvious website information. I think it was very useful because we had a fruitful discussion awhile later (the first in many so years) and W commented that perhaps a separation would just help her to realize what i meant to her in the marriage. To me, as long as she truly is testing the waters this way, its a good sign...perhaps.

Still though, the separation path looks to be still continuing. I think she is setting herself up for more unhappiness, lowever standard of living, more stress etc. Having her read DR a bit, and discuss her underlying unhappiness was good i think as we discussed her perhaps carrying unresolved issues along with her that won't help any future relationships. I think she sees that - or at least i hope she does. She was talkative and chipper on the drive to work this morning which is odd but im not going to read much into this.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Please PM me. I have some information that may be useful to you.
[Edited by dbmod to add: Note to Scylla--PMs are not enabled and personal contact information is not permitted.]

Depression is anger turned inward. This is not about you, not in the least. Medication can help bring your wife out of the downnward spiral, but ultimately she is going to have to deal with what is the source of the anger.
If she chooses to do that, expect a long haul, you will have to go on this journey with her, as one partner cannot change without the other changing too.

[Xabian]

I realize my posts have been lengthy and will try to keep my words concise from now on.

W is chirpy last two days and its annoying. She showed me a copy of 'Divorce for Dummies' and wants me to read it. I will with an open mind. She seems to be looking for a legal separation still and it seems a 'done deal'.

She's also been looking at her finances and looking at houses online and she's pretty matter of fact about it. I've been asked to get a statement of my pension. That shocked me a bit. She's no dummy. I have to go through my own finances this weeked and make lists, look into getting a separate bank account.

I told my sister about whats going on. I havent told my parents yet. My sis is single living in her own house in town and offered me a free room to stay. Very gracious and might be a lifesaver. You can count on family.

I'm catching up on sleep and not moping around at work. I went to the gym the other night and worked too hard, and im still sore, but i plan to go hard at it and the goal is to get there every night or other night. Excercise feels good once you harden up.

[Xabian]

Scylla, thanks for the offer. Our wonderful healthcare system in Canada has not afforded us a solution to my W's depression. She has gone through a myriad of tests over many years to disprove this or that. She has not been offered medication to my knowledge (at least what she tells me)and some doctors are averse to giving meds for that sort of thing anyway.

I am convinced that part of her genetic makeup makes her prone to depression. I just have to look at how her mother is, and her brother also to put two and two together. However, its not up to me and to make matters worse we've been without a family doctor for three years.

We are still on course for this separation thing although i have to admit i have been avoiding thinking of it and doing other things. I really should look at my finances and get everything squared away. She wants to use the same lawyer for the legal separation but i might go to another lawyer for advice just the same. She's gone off on her own a few times this weekend, with the girls and such, and it is clear she didn't want me along. Her attitude towards me is borderline childish lately and i don't care for it. I don't usually show my temper but as a 180 i may have to to let her know im a person with feelings and the father of our children.

[Xabian]

Sigh, a rough weekend trying to keep my mind off of things. Watched some football, let w do her thing with the girls, and i went to the gym and then for a long drive after.

I'll be busy this week with a bathroom reno and then cleaning/organizing. The realtor comes in on friday.

I've been researching legal separation agreements because i dont want to be surprised. Found a good form one. I still need to get legal advice i think. W says she has a C session on thursday, we'll see if she lies again and its the lawyer, there's no need to lie to me at this stage.

She's acting very distant and business-like today so she's keeping something to herself...

Ever have that feeling, as the walked away from spouse, that you despise your spouse and just want to get away? I am very bitter atm and not thinking straight. I can't let the frustration and bitterness get to me.

Meanwhile, my W thinks the kids are okay with this. I know they are not by closely observing them on the weekend. My oldest daughter especially is hurting and keeping to herself. Not good. Any advice on that is appreciated. My heart breaks for my daughters.

[Queen_of_Swords]

I wish I could speak to you personally Xabian.
Because I live in Canada too, and have family and some friends working in the medical field, I possibly have some informational and people resources you haven't been able to access effectively.
I have been clinically depressed in the past, I know what a rough place it is. There is hope. Don't give up. It may take a lot of persistance to get help for not just your wife but for you too. Help is out there, but you're going to have to be assertive and persistant.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Ever have that feeling, as the walked away from spouse, that you despise your spouse and just want to get away?

Yeah and at times it is a hard feeling to lose.
"You hurt me, I'll hurt you." sort of thing.

I can't let the frustration and bitterness get to me.

You're right about that.
If you lash out with those feelings its counter productive to why you are here and posting.

Your daughters? Be their dad, don't talk poorly of their mother, don't lean on them for support, but be their dad do things with them. Show them that they can count on you even when your chips are down.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Ever have that feeling, as the walked away from spouse, that you despise your spouse and just want to get away? I am very bitter atm and not thinking straight. I can't let the frustration and bitterness get to me.

I don't despise him. I hate what he's done.
I often feel like throwing my hands up and giving him the proverbial middle finger as he's done to everything we've built/created together and to me. I don't want to get away, but I do want to pretend he's dead to me for all intents and purposes. That would be easier in some ways.