Remember all that you have been told. Please. Don't let the filing throw you from what you know about MLC.
My H, after two years, was still checking the cell phone records to see who I was talking to.
They are just off. Simple as that.
On another note, for you and Punkin, I have my bellybutton pierced. OMG I thought for sure it would hurt like nothing I had ever felt before.
In reality, it didn't hurt at all. She told me to hold my breath and then she said ok. I thought she was going to do it then, and she was already done. Just freaky. The tattoos, stung, just a bit.
Have a good day my friend. Hope to hear from you soon.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Thanks for chiming in. I'm afraid that the filing has thrown me.
In all my reading and listening I have found that it seems that either MLCer's file right away or sit on the fence until the LBS goes ahead and files. I have heard about a few exceptions.
Since H threatened to file in the beginning and then held off and I didn't hear any more about it, I hung a bit of hope on that being a sign of possible confusion. Of a chance that maybe the new life he had chosen wasn't all he'd thought it would be.
He filed after 15 months, to me it means one thing. He wants me out of his life and there is no longer any confusion about that, if there ever was. It tells me his new life is much preferable over the life we had together.
I'm really struggling with that right now. I am trying to figure out why our perceptions were so different after 27 years of M.
The D papers are a fresh rejection of the life we built together. I am working hard at coming to terms with it.
Hi, if we don't file, they seem either to file pretty much right away OR they file after a considerable period of time.
My h did much what yours did, only it took him a bit longer to do it, and I think there are quite a few people here who have had the same experience, of filing after a longish period - Sanderika, and Dolphin, I think [forgive me ladies if I have this wrong in your case]. Sometimes the lbs files either to protect themselves financially or because they have had enough. Until they are through the MLC which can take up to 7 years, assuming they don't get stuck! they are not thinking straight. If the affair/separation doesn't solve their problems, then maybe a divorce will do it.
The other thing that seems often to happen is that the divorce then takes a very long time to go through. They delay [often accusing us of delaying] and generally mess around. It is about control, often, as well as a belief, as I mentioned above, that a divorce will 'solve' things.
Sometimes they even think it will wipe the slate clean, and they can start over with us afresh. Truly they are not usually thinking straight.
It is really painful, but gradually I think you will discover that they are still very unhappy and confused people. Take care of yourself. It feels like rejection, I know, and that hurts. I have come to see that my husband is a terrible emotional mess, and although he has hurt both me and my children tremendously I feel sorry for him. Happy people do not do mean and hurtful things to those they loved.
My H filed in April in a rage after I had given his Mom's ring to his son to keep for his granddaughter. Then nothing. I answered, and that was that. Nothing until now, and I'm the one initiating it. Just because a paper comes in the mail, or in my case, by big bald headed deputy, don't give up.
On that same note, although I am ready for this part of the drama to be behind me, it doesn't mean I do not still love and miss the man I married 20 years ago. He just has to complete this part of the journey without me. If it is meant for us to be together again one day, then, well, it will happen. I have to look at it that way. In a certain sense, if my part in this doesn't end soon, I'll only be slowing down any realization/progress he may make, as he will still be able to view me as the albatross around his life. ((HUGS))
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
Thank you for your post Beatrice. It makes a lot of sense. I do believe that H is using D as another tactic to find what he believes keeps eluding him, happiness.
SA, Bea couldn't have said it better. Some do rush out and file and others will talk about it over and over again and then much later will file. Others will talk about it and never do. I think it's where they are at in the crisis that makes them finally do it. They are such an unhappy lot of folks that think the divorce decree will set them totally free to be happy, but it doesn't. Sure, they are in a "high" state for about 6-9 months after the divorce (in many instances), that "high" will slowly disappear and their unhappiness is right back there in their faces.
You must remember, you or your relationship w/the mlcer are not what caused this emotional crisis in them. You can sit there and beat yourself up and try to rationalize the what ifs all you want, but the answer will never come because it's not about you at all.
The filing will throw you for a loop, but you must remain steady and focus on the finacnails for now. You must think w/your bring and not w/your heart during this time. I know you love him, but you must protect yourself financially. No one knows what will happen after the divorce....
Hang in there. We are all here for you!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks for chiming in. I'm afraid that the filing has thrown me.
Sweetie, I know. There isn't much I can say to make it better I am afraid.
Originally Posted By: SeekingAnswers
He filed after 15 months, to me it means one thing. He wants me out of his life and there is no longer any confusion about that, if there ever was. It tells me his new life is much preferable over the life we had together.
Can I borrow your crystal ball? I would love to know what the lottery numbers are gonna be this week...
SA,
Stop trying to read his mind. Normal, unconfused people, do NOT wait 15 months to file. They do NOT drag out the painfulness of this. To me, this is simply another indicator of the confusion.
You used the lack of him filing as your safety net, my friend.
You may not realize it, but that action or lack there of, kept you stuck. Now, you are looking at things that you would have been better served looking at a long time ago.
He already walked out on the M. It has been over for a very long time. You know that. This feels like a fresh rejection because you had that safety net to hold on to. It really isn't a fresh rejection though.
And you have already witnessed that for him, nothing in his mind or behavior has changed with this action of his.
The paper, means little to nothing in that regard. It really is the business side of this whole mess. It is the part where you have to remove your emotions and keep this from destroying everything that you worked hard for in your life. It is where you have to remove the people from your mind and get the business done.
Every relationship we have has an emotional side and a business side. You have raised (are raising) 7 children. I am sure that on occasion you had to punish them, or treat them in a way that you didn't feel but was correct and necessary for the situation. And then when it was done, you still loved them. Find that part of you when you are dealing with this end of it.
As far as your perceptions, they probably were not really all that different over the course of the M. It is right now, where he has to see you as the bad guy, the cause of all his anguish and pain, that HE is viewing it differently. That is part of the crisis my friend. Another thing that you know.
And if it isn't, well then, it is really sad that he was so miserable for all of those years and didn't find any joy in any part of his life. And THAT, has nothing to do with you. (I don't buy it though).
(((hugs)))
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
