I read something about goals--since we probably all have some kind of resolution about losing weight. Maybe 5 lbs, maybe 50--but weight nags at almost every human being in America (maybe even my cat, who acts like its just a furr ball, but I worry she's bulemic!)
Anyway, this "goals" suggestion said to make something into a process, a kind of game you can enjoy, instead of having some goal out in the future. So, for example, instead of "losing 10 pounds by next December and getting in shape" turn it into something like "I will be kind to my body in some way every day" and then think of things you can do--like yoga, getting a massage, going for a walk, eating something healthy, having a pedicure, lifting weights, taking a relaxing bath...mix it up and make it into more of a mind changing and nuturing process instead of a beating up of ourselves day in and day out.
I know everyone on this site is beautiful on the inside and we need to be kind to ourselves, especially after having been betrayed by the one person who was supposed to be by our side no matter what. So, Fig and everybody else who doesn't feel like your outside isn't Sports Illustrated perfect (and that would be ALL of us), let's all just look for ways to feel better and more relaxed about how we look and to make our bodies more healthy by being KIND to them--however that seems to work out in each of our own ways.
One more thought about OW or OM comments. I think we all focus on the the differences between us and that person. So, I wear a 34A bra. OW is probably a FFFF, if such a size exists. In my less kind moments, I say she looks like a cross between a porn star and someone's spinster aunt (she is 10+ years older than my XH). I'm more "All American Girl" in terms of my looks, so we focus on the differences...I think none of us should take it personally. Its just a "WTF" kind of reaction to why our X's would do a 180 in terms of what they find attractive.
And, for those of us without perfect bodies, note how many of the OW's are described as being overweight. Flip it positive--having a perfect body is not necessary for having a relationship!
I am suggesting that ripping apart someone because of the physical flaws you perceive them to have is ridiculous. What you say and how you act projects into the universe.
It isn't about thin or fat necessarily...
it is about the negativity you put out there... trying to make yourself feel better because of the flaws of another person isn't moving on
My ex left me for a baby... when it still bothered me, you bet I called her a baby and a drug addict....both true statements...both true observations but it sure showed I was insecure
surviving means reaching a point where the OP is not a part of your life not your concern
don't even register a comment
it shows their power over you when you still feel the need to bash them in order to feel good
justify it however you want but you are trying to build yourself up by making others feel small
and blaming the OP for having an affair is ludacris they owed you no loyalty that was your partners job
I am with a wonderful amazing man and Salma Hyek could walk into our house, naked and begging for sex and he wouldn't pause and even think about it (well he might think about it ) but the point it...she couldn't MAKe him cheat...she couldn't steal him from me because he doesn't belong to me...he CHOOSES to be with me just like I choose to be with him
life is about choices
choose to continue to compare yourself to other people and you will choose how to feel
choose to continue to project negativity about others into the universe in order to feel better about yourself and rest assured that that will come back to you
choose instead to project understand or at least compassion instead...how sad that those women thought so little about themselves as to have to try to prove their attractiveness by breaking apart a marrage
aren't you glad you don't have to do that in order to think you are attractive?
commenting negatively on people's looks is low class and shows you haven't developed a strong enough self-esteem to feel good about yourself without bringing other people down
Met with a woman at my church yesterday. Her job is grief--she works with terminal patients and their famililes. She has a Phd, MSW and RN. She said that anger is a healthy and natural part of grief. That you can't even think about forgiveness until you get THROUGH the anger and the grief -- its not healthy to repress those feelings and only makes forgiveness impossible. So, I think a little XH bashing and OW bashing are fine right now. Someday I won't be on this site, when I'm beyond all this, but I'm still in it and I'll bash from time to time because I need to and its healthy to do so.
some of the most important and creative work in the world pushes forward through anger
channeling that anger is what is important
find an outlet where the anger can drive you to good
bashing isn't good, isn't healthy and any professional that tells you that bad mouthing someone else in order to feel better is a good thing isn't really a professional.
bashing might be a normal thing but it isn't a good thing or a healthy thing
channel the anger to something productive
it makes me angry that there is no federal funding for epilepsy research...I became an advocate...bashing the government doesn't help anyone...working toward change does
There are all kinds of ways to express anger. I don't see much harm in people coming on this site and bad mouthing the peron who had a hand in the demise of their marriage. True it take two to tango and sometimes three to break up a marriage, but if the WAS finds it therapuetic to base the OM/OW on this site anonymously to those around them then I say go for it. If they are plain being mean and voicing directly to the OM/OW or to others in RL who know these people then maybe not so much.
However I will tell you that I'm a middle-aged guy, accepting the fact that I am now in my 50's with hair that seems to want to turns more gray every day. Due to gene's from my parents I'm not tall but I'm not short either - however no one would accuse me of being tall, dark and handsome :-). I stay fit because that's my lifestyle and what I choose to do. I could easily stop working out and running gain weight and have a nice spare tire around my mid-section. Either way - fit or not, I personally don't give a crap what other people say about me and my physique. What's important to me is that I am comfortable in my own skin. If that skin looks funny, bad or unhealthy to others that is their problem and not mine. If I become self conscious about it and start worrying what others are saying about me then it's because I am no longer comfortable in it myself and then it is up to me to change it.
Okay darn edit button - I do have a bit better command of the English language then the mistakes show above. So reposting in correct English:
There are all kinds of ways to express anger. I don't see much harm in people coming on this site and bad mouthing the person who had a hand in the demise of their marriage. True it takes two to tango and sometimes three to break up a marriage, but if the WAS finds it therapuetic to bad mouth the OM/OW on this site anonymously to those around them then I say go for it. If they are plain being mean and voicing it directly to the OM/OW or to others in RL who know these people then maybe not so much.
However I will tell you that I'm a middle-aged guy, accepting the fact that I am now in my 50's with hair that seems to want to turn more gray every day. Due to gene's from my parents I'm not tall but I'm not short either - however no one would accuse me of being tall, dark and handsome :-). I stay fit because that's my lifestyle and what I choose to do. I could easily stop working out and running, start gaining weight and have a nice spare tire around my mid-section. Either way - fit or not, I personally don't give a crap what other people say about me and my physique. What's important to me is that I am comfortable in my own skin. If that skin looks funny, bad or unhealthy to others that is their problem and not mine. If I become self conscious about it and start worrying what others are saying about me then it's because I am no longer comfortable in it myself and then it is up to me to change it.
you are absolutely correct in saying that you need to be comfortable in your own skin and what others say shouldn't matter to you
it is not healthy to make yourself feel better by making other people "bad"
it is harmful to ourselves if we have to degrade others in order to feel good about ourselves.
the way a person looks has nothing to do with their inner self
saying someone has a low self esteem and that is why they would have an affair is different than saying....what a fat load, I can't believe my husband left me for that trash
you should never have to put someone else down in order to feel good about yourself...it isn't about who is better looking, makes more money or has more things....it is about US
Apologies if I misunderstood you. My assumption was that when people point to specific qualities of OPs, they single out qualities they view as making the OP a less worthy partner. Others also seem to have understood you to be bashing the OW when referencing her weight and fitness level. That seems to be a pretty natural reading of what you wrote (though I believe you when you say it wasn't the intended reading.)
Whether or not people "should" be comfortable in their own skin, whether they "should" be strong, many women on these boards are less fit or less thin than they'd like to be. (This, BTW, includes size 6 prom queens who feel horrible about themselves often because of messages they've received from WASs.)
I agree that generally DBers are strong people, but they are also emotionally traumatized. They lose their footing for a good while, they struggle to regain self-worth. Little jabs against OPs that seem to suggest the OPS are unworthy in some way because of weight or fitness, and so on, will hurt many of those LBSs who have been told (or imagine) they were left for not being thin enough, or fit enough (whether or not they "should" be unaffected.)
If a person is equally worthy of love and equally valuable regardless of weight or fitness level, then why not take care to avoid the implication that they aren't?
When we talk about the OP we are talking about the OP. Not other people. Not our friends or family members. Not other people on this site. Please, don't make me be politically correct about my XH and the OW. They both make me want to throw up--mentally, physically and emotionally. I have other male friends who wear Brooks Brothers suits. Its only the XH who makes me gag, because I know how vain he is. I think this chain is silly
) but the point it...she couldn't MAKe him cheat...she couldn't steal him from me because he doesn't belong to me...he CHOOSES to be with me just like I choose to be with him