Lost, Please do not under any circumstance take blame for anything you did not do. My C and I have been working on that quite a bit lately. I do recommend that you take some time to recognize what you are responsible for that caused the break-up. Then take some time thinking about what caused those issues and how you will deal with them in the future. But, DO NOT let him put the blame on you. DO NOT let him get off so easy. Here is an analogy I used on my own wife the other night when she was looking for a fight. I told her, "Yes, our marriage is butchered right now, but we did this together. We took our marriage out behind the barn and I fired the shot that ended it. But don't you ever forget you held that poor animal down while I pulled the trigger." She cried and admitted she agreed. It takes two to make a marriage and it takes two to destroy it. But, a good DB'er will always remember that it only takes one to put it back on the right path.
Next time you find out that he is trashing you, ignore it. Defend yourself to the person that listened to his banter, but don't defend yourself to him. It only validates what he is doing.
Sorry to hear that he still wants out. But, don't, don't lose hope. My W came over tonight to settle up on how we are going to divide the household goods and furniture. It actually went quite well because I made sure to DB the entire time she was here. I will post an update with the details on my thread. Stay strong! Keep posting!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
Thanks so much, Fell. I looked at your post and I think you did such a great job and you are so strong!!! You definitely have gotten her to a place where she is considering her actions very seriously. I think that is so awesome. I am praying hard for you. I pray for your reconciliation, mostly I pray for your peace.
I am to blame for a lot of this. I know this. I was depressed over the move and I did nothing to fix it. He felt emotionally abandoned and couldn't deal with it. I wish that he spoke up sooner, but wishing isn't get me anywhere. And it was still my responsibility for not fixing what was broken in me.
However, I do not accept that everything is my fault. Nor do I find it acceptable to malign me to my friends and co-workers as if he's building some sort of court case. The note I wrote to him obviously struck a cord because he's really done a 180 in the last 24 hours with his behavior towards me. It hasn't changed his desire to leave, at least I don't think it did (of course I'm not asking). But something is happening in me. Perhaps its the detachment or the severe disappointment in his behavior. I didn't malign him to anyone. Anyone who knows what's going on, I was upfront and told them that he felt abandoned. But I didn't make him out to be some sort of demon because of what's going on to anyone.
He's failed to take responsibility for his actions and someone needed to call him on that. Someone needed to explain to him that he didn't need to demonize me and that I don't cause his actions, he chooses his actions.
Today I am at work. He's staying away from me, which is good. I told him I wasn't angry but I am angry and I don't want that to show. Tonight I go to the personal trainer for 90 minutes. I'll go eat dinner then I go back home to my cave.
Oh one more thing... H came into room yesterday concerned about migraine. He can see that I'm on the computer a lot lately (mostly on this site) and he was trying to get a glimpse of what I am doing. Of course, I minimized window before he walked over to me. Why does he even care what I am doing?
Lost, I do understand and I sympathize with you. A move and a job change can be very tramatic to a family. It is tough that you had to do both. But, in today's economy, who could blame you. You had to do what you had to do.
Thank you so much for your appreciation of my efforts and the prayers. I think you are going to do fine. Remember, you and I are on the same road. It just happens by a strange quirk of fate that I am a bit ahead of you. I want to give you some good news and some bad news. First, the bad. The road is not much easier around the bend. I am still in a very tough place and I could very well still lose my M. But, the good news is that each day, it gets just a tiny bit easier than the last. In US Navy SEAL training, they make the cadets walk under a sign each morning that states, "The only easy 'day' here was yester'day'!" Just keep that in mind. Things will get better each day that you face this mess. And, most importantly, the first time you reach a DB goal or start to see the DB'ing working, it is very motivating and heart-warming. Don't stop DB'ing under any circumstance!
I hope the very best for you and keep posting. I can't tell you how much it helps to talk to everyone here. I now come here every night before bed time for inspiration and company. You would not believe how empty a king-sized bed can feel when you sleep in it alone.
Keep your head up and keep DB'ing. Please report any postivie results so that we can celebrate together. Oh, and whatever you do, don't let your H know you are on here. Keep him guessing!!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
Lost - He's demonizing you bc he is looking to get people on his side. That's what the WAS does. He doesn't want to take the blame from friends and family as to why he and your M failed. I would ignore that it's happening as best you can. I expect that your friends who here this from him know you and have the ability to discern what is true about you and what is b.s. When one of them tells you something that he has said, own up to what is true but correct that which is not.
It's good that he's wondering what you are doing on the computer. Good! It sounds like curiosity on his part and that is what you want right now. Start doing other GAL activities that make that curiosity even stronger!
Good Luck! Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
This is hard. So hard! All we can do is our best...
And I know you are doing your best.
(((Lost)))
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
So from the beginning I probably should have mentioned another dynamic going on in the house. When we moved, we took my friend (who also works with us) and her 12 yr old daughter with us. They stay with us right now. I didn't mention it because I know that everyone will think that she's the one he's seeing. But the time missing does not coincide with when she is out of house. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt it is not her.
Saturday after the bomb of him looking for an apt., my friend and her daughter and I went out to movies. When I came home, I went into my room. My husband and those 2 hung out together for the rest of the weekend. I am being alienated in my home. If I come out with everyone else, H gets into one of his depressed moods and goes to hide. I would just rather not deal with it and I am perfectly happy in my room.... mostly...
Last night, I did go work out, took a drive, then sat down the street and called my parents because I just couldn't bear to go home. I don't know why, but I just couldn't do it. They talked me off the ledge, I went home, my brother called and I sat in my bathroom talking to him for awhile and just laughing. Well, I could hear my H trying to listen in on convo. (That's why I went into bathroom).
Then this morning, when he came in to take a shower, I was on computer (on this site) and he asked if I was working. I said no. He's really starting to ask questions about what I am doing. Part of me feels like he's doing that in hopes to find out I've found someone else and he can walk away free, part of me thinks he's thinking a little bit more about what he's doing.
So now that I've taken you 500 miles around in order to tell you the situation, how do I stop this? How do I stop the negative thinking or even trying to guess what he's thinking and doing? It drives me crazy.
Fell and SBH - Thanks so much for the words. They really mean a lot to me. Being alone here in this new place, sometimes this feels like the only lifeline I have. You guys are awesome and I continue to pray for your reconciliations.
Lost, Do me a favor? Please take some time this week to create your first DB goal. It can be anything. Mine was that I was going to find a way to create an open line of communication with my W after she went dark. Now, you have been keeping up with my sitch, so you know how things are going for me. So, please do the same. Set a goal for yourself and then spend a little time figuring out how you are going to attain it. Then, if you feel open to it, share your goal with us and let us help you get there.
Now that I have achieved my first goal, I feel much better. I am in the process now of setting my next goal. I don't know yet what it is, but I am working on it. If you would like, once I know what it is I will share it with you.
Please don't under-estimate the power of this action. It gives you something to focus on other than your grief. Plus, when you hit it, it is wonderful and very motivating. Just like when you are in the gym and hit a new high. You can't wait until your next workout.
Hang in there, girl. As the founding member, I am now officially declaring you a member of B.I.T.S. You won't get your official membership card for a couple of weeks. HA! Just some light humor to make you laugh. Denver, MJ144, Bolt, and some others are in this little group. Please stay with us.
Sometimes at night, visiting this site is my only way of coping with the loneliness. Take care!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
Well, my first goal was to not react in a negative way to anything he does or says to me no matter what.
Second goal was to validate his feelings and not push my agenda.
Third goal was to repair the lines of communication so that we could start a friendship, at least.
Fourth goal was to open up to him a little bit more and share my thoughts and feelings regarding any other topic besides our relationship (this was a big problem in our marriage as he felt that I didn't talk)
I have a list of personal goals too in regards to GAL. I also have a list of items that I would view as positive and show that he might be softening.
I did well last night in achieving goal #1. That is a daily struggle. Last night, when he went to "bed", he went upstairs, didn't say goodnight and sat with my roommate for awhile. It hurt, but I didn't say anything or react at all. I guess I just look at it as bad news.
It's amazing how fast this deteriorates. We used to sleep together, no more. We used to go to work together, no more. We used to eat lunch together, no more. We used to take smoke breaks together, no more. He used to kiss me goodbye, no more. He used to call me on the way home, no more (this is a new one). He just keeps removing more and more of our interactions. That's the hard part. But then he is also initiating other interactions that he doesn't have to. He might be trying to just keep the peace. Who knows? It's tough, though. Definitely tough.
Let me ask you all a question. He told me last Saturday he was moving out and would be looking for an apt. He promptly left the house and looked for an apt. Said he saw a couple. Since then, nothing. Now he works late hours and is possibly sidetracked with work. But if he wanted out so badly, wouldn't he have taken care of this a little bit faster? Maybe I am grasping at straws here....
