No... that is not detaching as I understand it MJ. Sounds like you are doing better though.
What field of work are you in? If I recall correctly, you live in Colorado right? You never know, I hear of something that would fit the bill. What part of Denver do you live in?
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
hey mj! I just read through both entire posts and have seen what you have been through.
I am by NO means a vet but I do hear some things in your posts that I truly think you have to get over.
One is to stay positive. Around your kids, your W and YOU! I know that is nearly impossible when you feel your life has just crumbled around you and you are sifting through the rubble. You're even thinking there's nobody in HAZMAT uniforms to help you out.
That's where you're a little wrong. YOU can definitely help yourself.
What I do is try to put myself in the other person's shoes. Put yourself in W's shoes. She's done. She's had it. She doesn't want to be around you; even says she doesn't love you.
So what happens when you come around? There's a mopey, negative attitude. There's someone trying to "help" her do things that she doesn't really need help with.
All that does is tick her off even more. It turns her off even more.
Why not come over and simply be there. Be with your kids and help with them. Let her do her own thing. I'm not saying to ignore her or not help if she asks; just don't go out of your way.
You take charge by not doing anything for her (unless she asks).
Please take a positive attitude with everything. I read all of your posts and there is a ton of desperation (TOTALLY understandable by the way). If SHE senses that, it's another turn off. Any conversations you have with her should remain positive EVEN if she isn't. EVEN if she isn't interested.
Dude, she was attracted to you at one point, right? Do you think if you acted the way you are now around her (clingy, mopey, expecting) would she have wanted to be with you then? I'm guessing no - that's the case with my W for sure.
Some other observations (realize too I'm NOT an expert): Have zero expectations. I hear you when you say you don't but you do. When you do things for her and she gets upset and you don't understand, that's an expectation.
I think if you control your expectations down to nothing, you'll be better off.
Don't rely on W for happiness. I made this mistake (heck, I still occasionally make that mistake). It is very hard because right now, you think she is your everything. Believe me, that is NOT true. She helps to make your life more enjoyable, fun, happy but she isn't the only one. YOU are the only one who can make you happy.
What does that mean exactly? I think it means that you do the things you like to do. Go play guitar. Go see a movie. Ride mountain bikes. Whatever it is that you enjoy, do it! THAT is what will make you happy.
The thing you have to take from that is to not expect (there's that word again) your wife to either see it OR react to it. She may not. That's not why you are doing it.
I do not envy your sitch but realize that you are not alone either. A lot of us have either gone through this or are going through it. We can only help each other...
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
Thanks for spending time on my thread, Bolt. I know it was long and probably took you a bit of time to get through it. Thanks for the words of encouragement. I think I do a pretty good job of being positive around her. It is hard right now seeing the forrest through the trees with the job sitch in the way. I have some things in the works, so hopefully that will resolve itself quickly and then I can get back to really DBing.
Denver, I do live in Denver. Stapleton area. I am in sales and have been for 18 years, so anything you hear about would be awesome. I have done all aspects of sales. Right now I would like to be in technology sales, but at this point, I will listen to any opportunity. A great chance for a career 180, huh?
M42 W38 D5D7 M8 Living as 'roomates' since 9-12-10 Moved out 1-7-11 FIL threatened to kill me 1-20-11
Thanks for spending time on my thread, Bolt. I know it was long and probably took you a bit of time to get through it. Thanks for the words of encouragement. I think I do a pretty good job of being positive around her. It is hard right now seeing the forrest through the trees with the job sitch in the way. I have some things in the works, so hopefully that will resolve itself quickly and then I can get back to really DBing.
Denver, I do live in Denver. Stapleton area. I am in sales and have been for 18 years, so anything you hear about would be awesome. I have done all aspects of sales. Right now I would like to be in technology sales, but at this point, I will listen to any opportunity. A great chance for a career 180, huh?
Absolutely it is MJ. I live in the Southlands area of southeast Aurora, but drive by Stapleton (I70) every day on my way to my office downtown. I actually have quite a few friends who live in the stapleton neighborhood.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
OK, so W brought home from work the family picture she kept on her desk the week before last. Now she has taken down a picture of the 2 of us from her nightstand and a gift that I gave her a couple years ago for Mother's Day that was a statue of a family of 4 in a circle hugging that was carved out of stone made in Africa. I saw them all sitting on the stairs to be sent down to the basement. While it doesn't necessarily come as a surprise, it hurts like crazy. Especially the statue. Now there still are pictures of us and me all over the house and still are some in the bedroom, including pics from our wedding, but I was wondering if the removal of these things signify any deep meaning as to her truly being done? The thought of just tossing the things down in the basement just makes it feel so insignificant.
M42 W38 D5D7 M8 Living as 'roomates' since 9-12-10 Moved out 1-7-11 FIL threatened to kill me 1-20-11
Don't read into anything, is the only advice I can give. It sure does hurt and your mind always goes to the extremely bad place. Keep it on the positive.
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
Unbelieveable. Got a call from W this morning. Shouldn't have answered. She ties into me because I took the weights and my p90x dvds from the house. She sometimes uses 1 of the dvds and rarely uses the weights, but of course this AM she wants to use them. She expects me to bring her the DVD which I don't do so she drives over here to get it. I take it out to her car and she is visibly pissed off and is belligerent with me demanding me to hand her the DVD. I try to calm her down, which only pisses her off even more.
She acted like I was taking these things from the house intentionally to annoy her. She then suggests I take the computer from the house so that I don't ever have to go back to the house.
I didn't do a very good job of appeasing her in this confrontation and even made things worse by trying to settle her down as she threatened to pull away while I was leaning on the car talking to her. I don't know why something so insignificant became such an ordeal.
Not a good way to start the day.
M42 W38 D5D7 M8 Living as 'roomates' since 9-12-10 Moved out 1-7-11 FIL threatened to kill me 1-20-11
Mj - Sorry to hear about your bad morning. The only thing that I can say, is that my W acted very angry, basically all of the time, right before and right after we physically separated. It wasn't until we went about 3 weeks with VERY little contact that she has finally calmed down and become more normal towards me. But please don't don't confuse that with me saying that she has become 'warm' towards me at anytime. That still hasn't happened.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Hey mj144, I've read this entire thread and find that we are in somewhat a similar situation. I've added a link to my thread if you'd like to read more. I would like to add, like some others here have, that when it comes to spousal confrontations that go south, we really need to learn to get our heads out of the funk/game. Men are fixers, so when something goes wrong, we tried to find a solution.
I've been practicing, but sometimes fail and let my feelings and old habits get the better of me. Last night was an example where I managed to shot myself in the proverbial foot.
