On Figurative Ledge - Talk Me Down?

[sandi2]

I am not here to hurt anyone, please believe that.

I feel like I have Josh McDaniels coaching my DB team here... no clear direction or organization!

Without going back to reread your thread, I would dare say the first advice you were given was to detach. Detach, let go of control, pull back.....what is unclear about that? Don't blame disorganization on us if you can't follow through on the very first step of DBing.

But when you were the WAS, was it at all due to your H being a "absentee H",

It was due to me turning to another man to fulfill my emotional needs. In all our years together, my H never talked with me. I was starved for emotional intimacy. He never approached me with anything that might improve our MR. If I tried to talk to him about anything that was serious, he stared at the TV and wouldn't say a word. I felt like I was M to a knot on a log.

When he discovered OM, then H smothered me with attention. It backfired.

I guess what I am trying to figure out is if this was at all the case with H when you were WAS, didn't his detachment from you enforce feelings of abandonment that you already felt from him?

This is the part that LBH's don't understand. Let's say a woman does feel abandoned due to her H being absent. But once she becomes a WAW, and if he tries to to be there all the time....it doesn't work. Yes, she wanted and needed him to spend time with her before...but after she becomes a WAW in mind or physically, it's too late to apply those things. It's too late b/c of her frame of mind. If you try to be the H she used to desire....it will disgust her. If you try to be there with her instead of being absent, she will feel that you are smothering her. She doesn't want you following her around, talking to her, giving her all your attention. Not now! She's changed!

I don't know how to convince you that you cannot try to be who she once wanted. You have to become the man you were before M....or better. But you can't deceive yourself into believing she wants it, when in reality you are too afraid to do what is needed. You are looking for somebody to tell you this is the way to DB, and some newcomer might think you're right.....but I doubt you'll find a WAW who'll agree.

As long as my H pursued me...it turned me off. When he detached and left me along....then we entered into the first baby-steps of piecing.

One more thing, I could tell my H was scared. Your W can tell you are afraid, too. It is so unbecoming to a woman. She wants her man to be confident in R's.