SO all in all last night was cool, had a bunch of friends show up, shot pool drank some biers and had a good time. Wife came a little later after the kids had gone to bed. Long story short, the evening was pleasant from what I witnessed and feel.
I just woke up ate some breaklunch. Wife is on her laptop in living room and kids are in the attic. I ate, tossed plate, emptied the dish washer, grabbed a drink, carried some clothes upstairs to the bedroom and now I am in the atic with the kids, they are XBOX'ing and I hopped on here to see what has been said.
Me - 39 yrs old Wife - 39 yrs old Married - 18 years Together - almost 21 year Kids - son age 13/ daughter age 10 Bomb Dropped in May 2010 Seperating - June 2011, after school lets out
Just to clarify, you aren't saying that doing these things make you a doormat or a "nice" guy.
My personal definitions of a nice guy and doormat
Nice guy - somebody that goes the extra mile to please others, he's the one you call when you need help with something because you will know he will drop everything he's doing to help you. Nice guys need approval from others and from society. They often put others needs ahead of their own thinking that this will make them happy. Deep down, most nice guys are not real happy because they become a shade of their true self.... They are so concerned with trying to become what the world wants them to be that they become miserable, depressed, passive aggressive, and they don't even understand why.
Doormat - someone with no boundaries in their life. They don't stand up for themselves.... They allow others to treat them poorly just so they don't rock the boat. They are afraid of conflict and seem to think that just by avoiding it, the problems will go away.... Hard to respect someone that doesn't respect themselves, their own values and beliefs.
today went ok until we got home. Went to have brunch, shopped, then took in a movie.
Got home and I went in the kitchen where she was and asked for a hug. In the middle of the hug she said, "I think we should tell the kids tonight".
We did and it was horrible. She told them they will be leaving in June at the earliest.
We talked before bed some, I told her I want to keep trying.
Me - 39 yrs old Wife - 39 yrs old Married - 18 years Together - almost 21 year Kids - son age 13/ daughter age 10 Bomb Dropped in May 2010 Seperating - June 2011, after school lets out
Me - 39 yrs old Wife - 39 yrs old Married - 18 years Together - almost 21 year Kids - son age 13/ daughter age 10 Bomb Dropped in May 2010 Seperating - June 2011, after school lets out
I am going to sound like an a**, but here it is anyway.
Yes, you are confused, we all are. None of it makes any sense. That is why we have to commit to listening to people like sandi2 and other vets who have been through this cr*p before.
We either have to believe in the road they have went down which is DBing, or we listen to our instincts. I am one of you,a newbie. I used my instincts at first, pursuing, R talk,etc. It put me in worse hole than I started in. So, DBing and the vets on this site started to make sense.
We have to pick one or the other. It is a hard choice, I know. It is your last chance, you don't want to pick the wrong strategy. The results I had without DBing did not work, so why keep doing it?
You think you chose DBing? No,you have not made a choice yet. One of the first things you should do in DBing is stop pursuing. You think you have, but you have not. EXAMPLE- The asking for hugs. come on. I am sorry, but I have been where you are at, and I struggle with my instincts everyday.
I don't know if DBing is going to work, but I have looked at my choices and this is the choice I have made to save my marriage and family. I hope it is the right one. If you choose it, I hope it is right for you also.
On page 2 of this thread, you mentioned you are willing to anything at this time. Well it's time.
Leave her alone. Why? She doesn't like you right now. If someone you didn't like kept hanging around you asking for hugs, how would you feel.
I again am sorry, I know it hurts. These words have all been said to me before on this site, and I have heard words like this said to others, but it was always words of experience, not guarantees, there is none.
Anyway, you don't have much time, these things take time, quit wasting it. If you decide to go with DBing, it will be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life. You did say you were willing to do anything. Even without guarantees?
Good Luck, a pat on the back, a hug, prayers? Whatever you need you got it, but you have to do the work, for no pay.
H-40 W-38 Together-20 Married-12 boy-7 girl-3 bomb-9/17/10 No papers live together No affair
W did most of the talking. Ok, Sandi, habitacker is right.
Where do i start?
Today she asked me, why should I believe you are going to change this time? She told me she has heard it all before. She asked me what is different this time.?
Me - 39 yrs old Wife - 39 yrs old Married - 18 years Together - almost 21 year Kids - son age 13/ daughter age 10 Bomb Dropped in May 2010 Seperating - June 2011, after school lets out
I wish there was a "Like" option that I could select for Habit's post. It's so true, and I'm in the same spot now...I finally feel I've detached. I feel confident in myself - no idea where my M will be, but at least I'm using a strategy that is having positive result for ME.
This is obviously not an easy road no matter which road you take, but we can all do it. We can get to a place where we can be in control of ourselves - empower ourselves to be happy and work on being the person we want to be, because regardless of our W's we need to be the best Dad's, Son's, Brother's, Friend's...that we can be!!
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
