Well this was a first in this saga. She works third shift. She came down this evening looked as though she was going to cry. So I asked if she was OK she said no. I offerred to listen. She wasn't going to talk but then she did on the basis if I promised I would only take it as moody thing. She started crying saying how sometimes she now feels like her life isn't worth living. (no plans to act on the feeling) She suprisingly let me comfort her with a long hug. Then she went onto say how she deserves nothing. That is the most she has opened up throughout this. Except for when being angry and saying our whole marriage was bad. I did not offer fix it advice just listened and reminded her she can call me whenever even at 3am when she's working. Absolutely did not expect that to happen today.
H 37 WW 37 M 15 5 Children Bomb 9-27-10 W EA/Pa she filed 12-18-10
People want to give up when they are so discouraged and can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I can't imagine how devasting this must be to have an A within the family. I knew a family where that happened and it was so awful. How is your sister doing and do your parents know yet?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
My sis is improving. She is on a different forum. We check on each other sadly I have found worse stories than mine. My dad knows my W filed. 6 more days and she needs to file again I still have not been served. My mom and her parents do not know. If my mom knew it would bring another level of stress for me to deal with. If it comes to D then I will determine how much she knows. The anger has been absent in my w's voice the last few times we talked. She said last night. That I don't have to do anything for her. She is engaging in household things she hasn't done in months. We have not talked R since MC 4 days ago. She spent the day with our son on the couch yesterday he was sick she was just off nite shift. Me and others were out for the day.
I still expect nothing but don't understand the behavior nor am I sure how to act.
H 37 WW 37 M 15 5 Children Bomb 9-27-10 W EA/Pa she filed 12-18-10
Like other traumatic events this has caused us to be in contact more. She in the begining was not dealing with the sitch. Vacation came she had free time and really spiralled down after confronting she has been on the roller coaster but finnally got on a forum and started taking care of herself sorry I was so brief before. None of us know the future but I am hoping for the best all around. Still planning for the worst. Thanks for asking also.
H 37 WW 37 M 15 5 Children Bomb 9-27-10 W EA/Pa she filed 12-18-10
Well I have not posted here in about a week. Things have been different. I am not sure if my W is truly trying to be no contact with OM or if she is playing the game. This past tuesday daytime OM broke No Contact by emailing her during daytime sleep. She took her sleep meds and responded in her sleep on her droid she did not recall doing it until she read it, this is believable. She came down to get ready for work crying. OM turns out was very mean via email. The new thing here was she ended up calling me from work to tell me about the email. Thats a first. She mostly slept and read Wed and Thurs between her shifts. I was nice she was so miserable I consoled she accepted light back rubbing and short hugs she would say stop when it was enough. D-Papers should be expired now her contract to buy house should expire in a few days. She is acting less defensive not carrying her cell every second of the day. She does not want to talk about the A. She began a M issues conversation saturday so I asked her about the D papers and she doesn't know where they are. i asked about the house she says she would love to buy it but would rather spend money on the kids than on repairs. There is no obvious evidence of any other contact with OM. She has shown no sign of desire to reconcile. But she is not as defensive. She even repotted a plant and put out new candles in the house. Sadly while snooping, i know don't, I found a prepaid cell last txt sept. I have been acting cordial and nice doing things that I normally would have done before the A especially with this winter weather. I have told her if she doesn't like something I am doing to directly tell me. She says she won't. I don't know where her head is maybe confused? I am sure she is trying to figure it out. I was thinking a small 180 for this week. She was so distraught last week I was checking on her. I was just going to leave her alone this week. I want to send a good night text when she is at work though as a reminder the kids are tucked in safe and that I am available for contact if she needs to talk. For myself sledding with kids football Watched fireproof, I am going to use the Love Dare as a guide Just need to get it. Any thoughts input would be appreciated. Thanks
H 37 WW 37 M 15 5 Children Bomb 9-27-10 W EA/Pa she filed 12-18-10
Don't do the love dare, it is pursuit. Perhaps if she stays away from OM long enough to get over it and she shows interest in reconciliation then maybe, but right now it will do nothing good for your sitch. Right now you are in LRT, you are civil to your wife and working on detaching emotionally from her. Work on yourself, make yourself happy and act as if you are getting a divorce.... because right now that is your reality..
Do NOT use the Love Dare techniques. You have a WAW in an A! Love Dare is very pursuing and WAW in an A will run from it as fast as she can!
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as a reminder the kids are tucked in safe and that I am available for contact if she needs to talk.
Tell me something, why do you think a mother of five would need reminded that her children were in bed an safe--if they are in the care of their father? Excuses.....all excuses! This is pursuing!
Why would you tell her (again) that you are available for contact? The point is to not be available for her.
She is feeling the affect of the A being busted--but you are there to hug and comfort her. If you weren't there, she would talk to a girlfriend just as easy, b/c that is the way women are. She needs to think of you as a man, not a girlfriend. She needs to suffer the fallout of her A. She needs to realize she could lose you and her children. As long as she thinks she can mess around with OM and you'll still be available, what would be her concern?
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She came down to get ready for work crying. OM turns out was very mean via email.
That's good. But, did you comfort her when her boyfriend was mean? You need to allow her to suffer. The more she hurts due to this A, the less likely she'll do it again.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I didn't know the Love dare was pursuing. I will not use it then. I see now that comforting her was not counterintuitive. However since last week she has decreased the angry tone of voice that she had when there was definitly still contact. Turns out I did comfort her when he was mean but I did not know it at the time It was a short hug and she talked very little. Something is going on in her head. This all took place this evening.Another first: I think she has progress. Without any anger this was all talked about. She asked what i want from her I said transparency and honesty she believes in privacy, I explained the privacy vs secrecy concept. She didn't like that so I said i am open to options what do you want to do. She had no response she said she needs to let the realtor know About this house she sounds less enthusiastic about the house less I have to get out of here (this marital Home). Second conversation I made what I want completly clear. 100% of her affection, not shared with anyone else, repair the M. Her to not buy the house. I pointed out how I was there for her this week while she was suffering emotionally. She acknowledged that. I made clear she knows what I want I said I know I cannot make up her mind for her she needs to decide. Good bye was said neither of us angry. At one point i asked her if she wanted to fix this she did not answer. She thinks I expect an answer now so I said this took a long time to get here It will take time to fix. I said wether divorced or married whatever new relationship we have will be new not the old one it will be different. With alot of what she just said I am convinced she is at the Mid-life crisis point as well, wants a new truck(she's always wanted a truck) she wants to live for today and not worry about 40 years from now. She feels no emotion and admits she has very little to give right now she says she is even struggling with it for the kids. So once again time will tell. And yet I remain on the roller coaster of post EA/PA and suspicion.
Time will tell, Still keeping my kids happy which makes me happy.
H 37 WW 37 M 15 5 Children Bomb 9-27-10 W EA/Pa she filed 12-18-10
Until she is ready to have transparency, she's not ready to work on the M. It's as simple as that. M should have no secrets. Privacy is when you go to the bathroom.....secrets is when you let third party into a M.
Some women break off EA with one man but get into another EA with someone else. They do this b/c of their fantasy addiction. I think that is why she's not ready to commit.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
