who are you?

[MrBond]

"at least i was fooled into thinking it was normal."

It's obvious you weren't "fooled". Although it may be an unusual problem, it's still a marital problem and it wasn't there when you first got married.

"i want a normal healthy relationship/marriage again. "

To your H I'm assuming.

You're out of the home now so that's okay. Now what do you plan to do next or are you looking for suggestions?

[marmie]

unless you've been hit by someone who meant the world to you, you just don't know how traumatizing it is. i just don't want to be one of those that keeps going back and i understand that a lot do and nothing changes.

[MrBond]

"unless you've been hit by someone who meant the world to you, you just don't know how traumatizing it is."

I've worked with battered women before and my W almost ran me over with her car when I found out about her A. Then she threatened to call the cops on my and took my kids away.

I know how traumatizing it is.

"i just don't want to be one of those that keeps going back and i understand that a lot do and nothing changes."

Then leave him. Not to make light of the situation, but it was two incidences in a short period of time when neither of you had a chance to cool off.

It takes time and it's very premature to make an assumption that nothing will change. Read through some of the posters here. They've been in their sitches for YEARS.

Again, I'm not condoning what your H did, but if you are not going to be patient enough to help him through his issues (whether he wants to or not), then file.

If however, you want to save your 10 years together, then we can offer advice.

No one has disregarded the fact that you were hurt. Hell we ALL have been hurt. Some of the women here were abandoned while they were terminally ill or pregnant. We all have our stories.

But the bottom line is whether or not we want to try to save our marriage or end it. Either way you're not going to be condemned for your decision. We all want to help because we've been or are in your shoes.

[Cyrena]

Mamie,

It seems to me that you're ignoring all the advice you're getting, while complaining that posters are advising you to go back to your H. If you read carefully, you will see that nobody is telling you to get back into a situation which you feel is abusive.

Instead, they're asking you to consider why you seem so determined to end the marriage. What is the underlying reason why you don't show a shred of affection for your H in any of your emails--just disgust, anger, fear, etc? After 10 years of marriage, this comes across as rather odd. Why are you so quick to assume the role of the victim? Why are you avoiding articulating what you want?

If you could examine these issues, you might begin to feel some relief from your pain. Have you considered seeing a counsellor to help you get to the bottom of the dysfunctions in your M? Even if you don't want anything more to do with your H, you will not be able to begin a healthy relationship until you examine these issues. I think every single person on this website can attest to that!

[marmie]

Mamie,

It seems to me that you're ignoring all the advice you're getting, while complaining that posters are advising you to go back to your H. If you read carefully, you will see that nobody is telling you to get back into a situation which you feel is abusive.

Instead, they're asking you to consider why you seem so determined to end the marriage. What is the underlying reason why you don't show a shred of affection for your H in any of your emails--just disgust, anger, fear, etc? After 10 years of marriage, this comes across as rather odd. Why are you so quick to assume the role of the victim? Why are you avoiding articulating what you want?

If you could examine these issues, you might begin to feel some relief from your pain. Have you considered seeing a counsellor to help you get to the bottom of the dysfunctions in your M? Even if you don't want anything more to do with your H, you will not be able to begin a healthy relationship until you examine these issues. I think every single person on this website can attest to that!

are you kidding me? what emails are you talking about? did you mistake me for a different poster?
i am assuming the role of victim? he hit me!
i have been very clear in articulating what i want. i want my old h back. but he's gone, or was never really there at all.

[MrBond]

"what emails are you talking about? did you mistake me for a different poster?"

She's referring to your posts.

"i have been very clear in articulating what i want. i want my old h back. but he's gone, or was never really there at all."

No you have not made it very clear. And lets face it, your real H as you call him is still there. If you would have seen this bad behavior in him earlier, then you wouldn't have stayed with him for 10 years.

Again, read my post. I notice you avoid the hard questions most of the posters have asked. They are not judgemental, they are just honest to get to the root of what you want to do.

And lets face it...IF YOU REALLY WERE THAT HURT BY YOUR HUSBAND, THEN CALL THE COPS! Simple as that. You were hurt, fine. You want him to twist and burn in hell for hurting you, forcing you to enter into a "fake" marriage, etc. Then call the cops on him and have him arrested. That'll show him. It's as simple as that.

As stated before, you have two choices. End your marriage to him. OR choose to forgive and see what you can do to help him. He's your husband, no one elses. It is your choice to do as you see fit. We are all victims here and some have seen it far worse than you. You will have no lack of sympathy here because we've all lived it in varying degrees.

It is up to you whether or not to languish in anger/fear/pity, or move on in dignity, forgiveness and love. Simple as that.

So don't tell us things like I want to be married, but my marriage was a fake. You either want to be married to your husband (even with all his faults as he is right now) or you don't.

[marmie]

it's too late to call the cops and it wasn't the first thing i wanted to do to him anyway. i havet'n been taking his calls and i do miss him and my silence has taken on a life of its own. i don't know how to reach out to him now theres a knot in my stomach. kind of feeling paralyzed. how does anyone make contact again?
one thing my friend said was maybe h was taking drugs to relieve stress or to keep going. and that is the character change in him. i laughed because he wouldn't do that either.
but he did seem extra agitated and he has been working a lot and then voluteering at church and also the food bank.
when i think of how good i really thought he was i cry because i do miss him. i do want to call but i don't know what to say to break the ice. its easier to just stay mad i think sometimes.
how should i try to reach out i'm scared he'll bite my head off because me trying to talk to him when this first started wasn't welcome. and that really hurt too because we could have talked about anything before.

[marmie]

does anybody think a note to my h would be ok? then i could tell him i still love him and miss him and can we try to understand what is happening?
that way he could read the note without looking at me and feel ashamed. i do feel bad if he was somehow threatened with me getting advice from our friend. they are close friends or were and now it could be my fault if i damged that friendship accidentally.

[dixiegal]

Are yall seperated right now? Has he decided to leave the M? Is he still mad?

[marmie]

i am staying at my mom's like i said. i have no idea if he is considering leaving the marriage, but i have considered it before.