Have a thread in newcomers as well. Here is my story...
Met husband when we were both 17 married at 23 and have 2 small children, D4 and S2. We are 32 now and for the most part we have been inseparable and have had a "fun" marriage.
In January we started having some financial problems and had to move out of our home because we couldn't afford to pay so last minute we found a house that was 2x more expensive than what we were paying. At that point we took it because we couldn't find anything else, we said it would be temporary until we did find something more affordable. We moved early February 10’. He became very stressed because of our rent and not being able to find anything more affordable. I noticed him distancing himself, being very cold, no affection, and almost never home. I started getting suspicious and looked at his cell phone records and sure enough found a number that had several (almost 30-40 calls/texts a day). I called the number and a woman answered and immediately hung up after hearing my voice. I tried calling back to no avail so I confronted him and he said it was his associates number and that was probably his wife and why would I call and embarrass him that way, so I stopped. It was always in the back of my mind because his behavior was the same.
In June he would rarely come home but blamed it on work this became worse 2 months into it. I became weary and checked his phone records again and again the calls were on there and even more this time so I called the # again and told the OW who just listened and didn’t say anything that I hoped she knew he was married and had 2 kids and to stop contact with him or else. When my husband got home that evening he was prepared, he said it’s just an associate and that he didn’t want to tell me it was a F because I wouldn’t take it well I said fine but didn’t go for it. I started nagging, and constantly calling him when he would be late or not come home and it got to a point where he would turn off his phone. This didn’t go well for me I got very upset and couldn’t believe how selfish he could be to do such a thing, we had 2 small kids what if something happened how would I get a hold of him.
Well make a long story short I told him he had to leave the house and I would not take another day of his crappy behavior. He did, he went to his parents house and would come back home and say he wanted to work out our M but it wouldn’t last one day he would go back to her. Then the bomb hit in August he said ILYBNILWY, I couldn’t believe it, I was floored! He then said that he didn’t know why he felt that way but he felt no kind of love for anyone except his kids. I begged, pleaded, and nothing. So after a month of him coming and going and not helping me financially I was a SAHW I moved into my parents. Things went even more downhill from then he started telling me to move on with my life, he didn’t know what he wanted in his, he didn’t love me, we are done all of the stuff I hear S’s on here say. He said things like, I was irresponsible and I couldn’t save up $ for rainy days, I was weak and that I did this to the M, I was devastated. The man who would literally say things like you are my rock, without you we would have never came so far, I would never in a million years leave you and our kids, divorce will never be an option for us, blah, blah, blah.
I threatened him with divorce but he said no give me some time to figure things out well it’s been months and he can’t stand to see my face. He needs to stay married to me for personal reasons right now so I don’t know if it’s because of that or he really doesn’t want it. He has told his family that we are done and to not talk about “us” anymore but says that he doesn’t want a divorce. I know he is still seeing OW and both of them deny this, my H says it is over and OW says we don’t even talk and nothing ever happened. He is very depressed, doesn’t know what to do, keeps saying things like “why are you getting angry cause I can’t support you guys anymore”? I have been reading DR and have applied some of the techniques in there but I don’t know if they are working, when I was GALing he acted like he didn’t care but one day he told me if you want our M to work why would you go out all the time and act as if you were a single woman?
Sorry so long and sorry my writing is all over the place there is so much to say but it would take for ever as this has been going on for close to 1 year.I really don’t know what technique to apply please help me with suggestions.
Me:32 H:32 M:9 T:15 D:4 S:2 OW/PA: JANUARY 10 ILYBINILWY AUGUST 10 Goes and Comes July/September Moves out September Sep. since Sept.
Welcome to the MLC Board. I've been here almost a year, and it has been the saving grace of my life.
Cadet will be along shortly to give you pointers and some things to read. Read them! They help explain away a lot of your questions. Assign them to a folder where you can find them and re-read them often.
MLC is a succession of stages, and it sounds as if your H is just getting geared up. Perhaps triggered by the money issues. OW are more commonly a Band-aid to a gunshot wound, although it is not how it makes you feel.
You'll get much wise advice. Just hang in there, as the Board is pretty quite on weekends. Tomorrow at the latest you should start getting some advice and wisdom.
Come here to vent, that's part of what we are here for. Along with the support, be ready for the constructive criticisms, as well. Here, they are called 2 x 4's. This will be a very positive experience in your life. Promise.
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
S, Step back and take a huge breath. The situation will not be fixed in a day, a week or a month...it's going to take some time and he's the only one that can fix this situation. You didn't break him, therefore, you can't fix him. He's got a lot of "stuff" to work out for himself.
You, on the other hand, need to keep your focus on you and your children. It's hard, but your family needs you now more than ever. Do not discuss the ow w/him, do not bring up divorce unless you want one and above all else, do not bring up relationship talk at this time. Your h is looking at you and the relationship as the ball and chain that are dragging him down to the level he's at now with dissatisfaction. You do not need to provide him w/any additional fuel to his fire.
It's a long, hard road, but you can get to the other side...but you must understand that nagging, checking up on him, etc., will not get you there. You are not his mother and you to get away from this type of behavior. You need to take care of yourself. We all have been where you are today and trust me, we all have tried things that we thought would help and they didn't. So, please listen to the posters and know that we have gone before you and have experienced the same thoughts/feels, etc., that you have.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you Punkin and Snodderly. I think I'm ready to start working on this and not ready to give up on my family just yet! I would love to hear whatever it is you guys have to offer me.
Me:32 H:32 M:9 T:15 D:4 S:2 OW/PA: JANUARY 10 ILYBINILWY AUGUST 10 Goes and Comes July/September Moves out September Sep. since Sept.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process.(Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Detach. Use the time that your H has given you as a gift to start to work on yourself.
Thank you Cadet I am lookin forward to reading everythin you posted and learning as much as I can here and applying the canges to try and save my M. I am currently re-reading DR and as soon as I am done will pick up DB.
Just have a question for you or anyone else who can answer this for me...Am I correct to think that my H is going through MLC because this is out of character for him and because it was sudden and I do think he was depressed. I'm a little confused. I think the point here though is that whatever he is going through, my changes or my approach can/may help me restore the M...am I right to assume this?
Thanks
Me:32 H:32 M:9 T:15 D:4 S:2 OW/PA: JANUARY 10 ILYBINILWY AUGUST 10 Goes and Comes July/September Moves out September Sep. since Sept.
I saw the changes in myself regarding how I approached and worked in a relationship as being postive changes in my new relationship, the one after my marriage...
Just turns out that new relationship was with my wife.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Am I correct to think that my H is going through MLC because this is out of character for him and because it was sudden and I do think he was depressed.
Depression is part of a MLC
Originally Posted By: sarahani
I'm a little confused. I think the point here though is that whatever he is going through, my changes or my approach can/may help me restore the M...am I right to assume this?
Your changes are for YOU. Do not make them to try to WIN your spouse back. That will not work. What will work is you trying to become the best that YOU can be.
What will work is you trying to become the best that YOU can be.
Cadet is so right. No one can tell you what the future holds for you and your M. When I first came on these boards I thought that anything less than fixing the marriage was a failure. What I've learned is that "fixing the marriage" is not possible. We can only fix ourselves. And when we improve ourselves, we come out winners regardless of the status of our marriage.
Look within. Figure out what areas you can improve. Many of these are probably complaints you've heard from H in the past. Some are probably valid if you're truly honest with yourself. Figure out what your issues are and work on them. Your H is on a journey he needs to take alone. Nothing you can do or say will affect it. But by changing yourself (FOR YOURSELF), you end up changing the situation. In the end, you may R. Or you may not. But you will be ready to stand on your own two feet either way. And that is what OUR focus is on these boards. You cannot manipulate your H or make him "wake up". So concentrate on you. Doing the readings that Cadet has recommended is a good starting point.
Sorry you're here but it's the best place to be given your sitch....
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
