Pei, I am glad to see you taking a chance and filling in holes.
Yes even the tears are a sign of strength. You have to feel the emotions in order to process them.
I have questions, challenges if you will. They will come in time.
Tamf,
I agree with PEI. Stop. If you KNOW you aren’t ready, if you KNOW why you are doing what you are doing, and validation is the reason…
STOP. You won’t be the only one hurt. The OP will be hurt and so will your H if he finds out. It will complicate any future decisions that you will make about your M.
Irish,
You sound fantastic. When you are ready to not stand, you will not stand anymore. Until then, stay on your path. It is serving you well.
Zen,
Move forward, not ON. Think of it that way.
Deadlines, don’t really serve us well in this process. Things happen, when it is time for them to happen.
DB is a site we come to, with the intention and desire to save our marriages. Reality of the world says that a lot of marriages do NOT get saved. Standing, is about getting to the point that you can live your life, regardless of the outcome of your M or any R status.
I know there are statistics out there, that people who are married are healthier and happier, blah, blah, blah…
Statistics, can be manipulated.
A good and healthy marriage or relationship I am sure makes for happier healthier people. However a sick marriage or relationship, I would bet has the opposite effect. Relationships are/get sick, because the people within them have not learned the skills for a good relationship yet.
Those skills, you can learn here and in other places like this.
Use them.
Give them time to work and become a part of your life. Once they do, you will be surprised what you find…
That is something that I can promise you.
Keep posting, challenging, and supporting. Each other and yourselves.
This is a journey that is long, hard, and often very painful. It is one that is very very worth it though.
Cat
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I wanted to comment on your subject line because I think of this often now. Recently I hit the point where I said that if I could hit a button and go back in time to the day before my H met the OW, would I do it, knowing everything I learned and the friendships I've gained would be lost.
A month ago I'd have probably still said yes to pushing that button. But in the past few weeks, I'd say no. Don't push the button.
And every time I waver, I think about your subject line because you're SO right. You've been very inspiring to me :-)
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
I will always stand behind the belief that DB'ing is not about saving your marriage....It is more about saving yourself while moving forward in life while at the same time being open to reconciliation. The reality is that once a person joins these boards....their marriage is finished. They may reconcile, but the marriage of old will forever be changed.
At some point, we all need to move on into the world of relationships. What newcomers need to realize is that takes time....and is not something to just be done. By your post...you clearly define that you were ready to move on. For some that takes weeks....for others years. When is dependent on the individual. You have done well PEI....did the work on yourself that needed to be done....now you are walking forward at your own pace....That is to be applauded.
I wish all of you a wonderful and blessed holiday season.
PLEASE take the time to count the blessings in your life and find gratitude within yourselves for all that you have. It is the best gift you can give yourselves and your loved ones.
Chirstmas is a time for friends and family and peace ... make it that way and mean it
You all mean so very much to me and I wish you all the best in 2011 ...
Peace, PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Had a great Christmas overall! One little blip when stbxH landed at my parents house on Xmas day with OW and OWD7 in the van to pick up my kids. OW is verrrrrrry lucky my mom didn't see her out there. It pissed me off, he drove right by their place on his way to mom's so he could have dropped her off. He didn't. Some will say it was an intentional move on his part, I don't think so. He's just so out there he didn't think anything of it at all. I vented for 20 mins or so after he left, and then I was fine. Like I said, it was a blip.
NYE I texted stbxH to see if I could drop the kids a little early, he said no, he was sick and going to nap before they got there. I said fine. Fast forward 3 days, and on Monday I get a get text from him that says...
stbxH: I'm going to be dropping the kids a little early.
ME: No, u can't just do that without checking with me. What if I wasn't going to be home?
stbxH: Nice PEI. It's a half hour. Fine I'll have them there at 2. Oh, and I won't be dropping S3 off after daycare on your days anymore.
At this point I called him.
ME: You can not make assumptions about my time, if you have a reason to want to drop them off early you will have to ask if the adjustment works. I may have had plans and might not have been home until the agreed upon time.
stbxH: You don't need to be like that. It was a half hour and I wanted to drop them off before the roads got bad.
ME: I understand, all I'm saying is that you can't assume. If you want to change the arrangement, ask. Don't tell.
stbxH: I won't be dropping S3 off after work anymore.
ME: Who are you trying to punish?
stbxH: I'm not trying to punish anyone. I just have no freedom. I can't just go home after work ... (ftr, he works beside the daycare and drives past my driveway to get to his house).
ME: If you are going to change the arrangement (which he offered to do when we separated) then I need notice to make adjustments. I do not have any flexibility at work. They are your days, and I appreciate you doing it, if you no longer are willing to do it then I will be changing S3's daycare to one along our mutual way to work. I don't think it's in S3's best interest to change providers at this point, but I will have to due to logistics. Just let me know what you decide to do.
stbxH: I don't think changing daycares will be necessary.
ME: I understand. However, since I have no flexibility at work, it will be. Just let me know what you decided and I can make arrangements from there.
.........
Then the next weekend I had a b'day party for S3. I debated what to do, and in the end decided to invite stbxH's siblings and neices and nephews. When I spoke to them I very clearly stated that I knew stbxH was having a b'day party the following weekend, I was not trying to replace it and they were not expected to bring presents, I just wanted them to know they were more than welcome to come hang out and have some cake and ice cream.
They all came, some brought small token gifts. We had great time. The next morning when stbxH picked up S3 for daycare he mentions the party and stbxH asks who was here. I tell him and he doesn't say much. Then, in classic conflict-avoidant manner, he emails me when he gets to work. He's pissed because I had HIS family at the party. I called him. I said "I'm sorry you feel that way". He says I should have talked to him first. To which I reply that I do not intend to discuss who I do or do not invite into my home with him. He says they are HIS family. I agree. And I say they are also my and the children's family. He tried to claim this was a parenting issue, I didn't bite. He says that maybe he won't discuss parenting issues with me either than. I still don't bite. Actually at this one, I bite my tongue for real because I have to choke back saying "oh, and you've discussed soooo much with me to date!". I calmly reiterate that it is not a parenting issue, I told him what I told "his" family when I invited them, and said I will not be running my guest lists by him. He hangs up on me. I laugh. Hehehe. Really. It didn't phase me. Classic MLC spew. I didn't lose any sleep over it
.................
We get along fine at kid exchanges, even have a couple of phone convos where we're laughing. I get an email from him a few days later asking me if I'll pay extra towards after school care if he continues to drive S3 on my days. I say yes. So that issue is resolved by him and to his satisfaction ... for now. LOL.
.................
B-lady ... I can totally relate. I told my MIL one day that regardless of when stbxH comes out of his crisis, and regardless of whether or not I've moved on, I will be there for him to help him when he's ready to help himself. Even if it really just is as his friend. MLC is ugly folks. And I have a feeling that coming out of it won't be pretty either, if it ever happens.
Anyway ... I'm outta here for GAL night #2 in a row ... whooot whooot!
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
You sound as if you are doing fantastic. It's such a relief when you finally get over that HUGE lump of pain and can begin to breathe a little easier.
I am jealous that you even get to have a conversation with STBXH. Mine avoids direct personal contact. Either that or OW won't let him have direct personal contact. We'll see when we get to the L's office.
Happy Girl's Night out, forever and always!
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
So today is tough. I am finally facing some very harsh financial realities ... and it is taking everything I have in me to not be filled with rage and anger and hate. That's not who I am, not who I want to be and I battling this beast even as I type.
The sitch in a nutshell ... I bought 400 worth of heating oil 2 weeks ago. Last night, we ran out. So I covered up the kiddos with extra blankets and cried myself to sleep. Well, that would be an exageration actually, because I don't think you can call what I did last night, sleep. I called this morning and they are bringing me another $430 worth ... paid for with my mom's credit card ... because I am broke. This house is killing me in heating costs. Last year we burned wood and oil, and this year stbxH was supposed to put wood in the basement for us. Not. So this year I'm trying to get by on oil. But I can't. I'm tapped out. My mom is tapped out. And my sister is darn near not answering my calls. My mantra all fall was "get through to tax season" because I knew my refund would help dig me out but at this rate it won't do much anymore.
It's so hard to not resent him for his rental house and two income lifestyle. It's really hard to not be angry about no wood in the basement to offset the cost of oil when my babies woke up cold this morning and I have to take time of work, that I can't cover with vacation, in order wait for the oil man so I can bleed and restart the furnace.
On the other hand when I told him what was going on and asked for his help to figure something out he stepped up. He is making calls and trying to see if he can find anyone to deliver wood if we split the cost a bit. He doesn't have much to spend but any at all is more than I expected (since I truly had no expectations). Yet I know that he is in crisis. I know that his intention was not to hurt us, but to run. He can't see the consequences only his foggy path forward. And I also know that my choices and decisions contributed to the situation.
I am beyond stressed right now. I am juggling and starting to drop the balls. Stealing from Peter to pay Paul.
Breathe. Just breathe. I am going to be ok. I will figure this out because I can. Because I have no choice.
Breathe.
PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
