Scared and Alone

[FellOnBlackDays]

lostnscared,
Keep your head up. My W moved out four months ago. Tonight we are meeting to decide on how to divide up our household goods. She has told me on just about every occasion that we are through and she wants to move on with her life. But I will not give up and I don't want you to give up either.

Here are a couple of things that have helped me:

1) I have marked my favorite sections of DB. Every night, I read those sections. My copy of the book is completely beat up and dog-eared. But I turn to it every night. Do the same. Heck, I have part of the book committed to memory. I do find this really helpful. Try it and see if it helps.

2) Post here as often as you can. Use this as a sounding board for your soul. You see, when you get your feelings out and out on here, they don't hang around in your head haunting you. I told my C about this forum and he thinks posting here is a wonderful idea. You get to talk with others that can relate with your hurt and can tell you things that might help. I love this site. I come here every day and it really, really helps. I have made some friends here and they are wonderful to talk with.

3) Stay busy. You are correct. From time to time, the hurt will sneak up and bash you in the head without warning. When it does, change your environment. Call someone, take a walk, start cleaning your house, go to the gym, post something here. Get out of the environment you are in and sometimes it helps to curb the pain. Look, I am a 39 year old military veteran and there are days where I just start crying for no good reason. I suddenly have to run and hide somewhere. It is going to happen and it is OK. Crying is good for your soul and you always feel a bit better when you are done. Let your emotions flow. It is OK!

I hope this helps. Keep posting and stay in touch. And, don't forget this part:

"9. Keep in mind that your actions could be frightening to WAS - you are not reacting in the way they wanted. They had this D all mapped out in their head and it's not panning out the way they thought. This has the added benefit that it leads them to think "if this isn't going the way I planned then maybe it isn't right", but it will take them a LONG TIME to come to this conclusion, to let go of their D comfort blanket. You can help them by being consistent with the positive changes. If you revert back to the you they find unacceptable then they feel perfectly justified in continuing with the D."

That is the best thing I have read on here to date. And, it is very, very true. My wife showed up on Tuesday night looking for a fight. I DB'ed my behind off. When she didn't get the fight she wanted, it completely disarmed her and we ended up talking for 2 hours. I know what she was doing. She would come here, pick a fight, I would act like a jerk and, at some point, she would say, "You see, you haven't changed and I am right to leave you." Instead, at one point, she actually apologized for some of the crappy things she has done to me since she left. Do you think she came expecting to apologize to me??? I think not. But she did because I didn't give in to her tactics. Don't give your husband what he wants. He wants control and you give it to him when you mope, beg and plead. No one finds a crying spouse who is down in the dumps attractive. It only hardens their resolve that a D is the answer. Stay strong!

Fellonblackdays