I failled horribly...

[FellOnBlackDays]

Denver, yep I too am a huge sports fan. My college team is LSU and my pro team is New Orleans. I guess I had a split weekend at best considering what happened. As for our financial situation, it is good for me. Not so much for her. I make twice what she does and have about 10 times the assets. It was always my job to save for the future. You are probably right, she probably can't afford to buy a bunch of stuff right now. Right before she left, she bought a new car. Now that she has moved out, she now has probably over $1100 a month in new bills when you total the car note, insurance, health insurance (that I now make pay for), rent and utilities. She is definitely much more strapped for cash than I am. The good thing is that I spoke to an attorney. In my state, I have a good option. If I wait two more months, I can drop the D on her and she cannot come back on me for interim support because she abandoned the marriage. That is my plan for now. Unfortunately, she will still walk away with half of everything should we not be able to work this out. D*mn it!!!!

Update:

After my W called me yesterday, in quite a friendly mood I might add, I decided to let her sweat. Things did work out well for me though. I was dreading spending Friday night home alone, but out of the blue, some friends of mine invited me over to dinner and we had a great time. Stayed out until 1am. It was great because for a couple of hours I was completely distracted and happy. Anyway, I decided to wait until I was on the way to the gathering to call her. I gave her some line about forgetting to call her and that I wanted to touch base with her as I was "on the way to go out with friends." I made sure to put that in especially when she told me that she was going to just sit at home alone all evening. She was as friendly as could be. I told her I would call her in the morning to arrange our meeting. After weeks of going "dark," all of a sudden she was more than happy to tell me what she was going to be doing for the whole weekend. Weird. I told her I had to go as I was arriving at the party and that I hoped she would have a nice evening. She wished me the same and we hung up.

This morning, I woke up with a bit of a hangover and didn't call her until 11 a.m. Once again, she was a nice as could be. We ended up chatting for 30 minutes about things we did in high school and we laughed numerous times together. We haven't talked like that in months. None the less, I told her I wasn't feeling well because of last night and that I couldn't meet until much later today. She agreed. She once again gave me her entire schedule for the day and told me she would call me later to set up the meeting.

So, I am doing housework today and waiting for her call. I am trying to get myself mentally ready for this meeting. I don't want to break down or get emotional during this ordeal. I just don't understand. What in the h*ll is she doing??? I know, I know, Spellfire is going to get on me for worrying too much about her. And, he is right to do so. But, I am more and more confused. Why now is she being so nice?? I am not going to question her about it, but I would love to. I guess me being nice is making it easier for her to let her guard down. That is good, I guess. But, much like my buddy Denver, I am worried that I might be making it easier for her to walk away. I guess the most important thing to do right now is just continue to show her the new, calm, level-headed me. At some point, she will begin to wonder who "this guy" is. Oh well, I have to go shower and get ready. I think it might be time for some motivational music of some kind.

It is true what they say... I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

FOBD

[mj144]

Stay strong, buddy. You can do it. Listen to what she says, repeat it to yourself and then pause before responding. Remember to validate everything she says. You don't need to agree with it. Be mindful of what she says and nake sure you listen, listen, listen. And then listen some more.

[FellOnBlackDays]

Thanks, MJ!! That is some very good advice that will prove helpful tonight. I will post the details of what happened when I get back later this evening.

BITS!

FOBD

[Denver_2010]

How did it go FOBD?

[what next?]

These are the exact same concerns that drove me for a long time... If i act like important accepting the separation she might find it easier to walk away but what i have decided is that she has to be able to deal with the reality of life without me or it will remain an idealized fantasy in her mind. Plus if we are negative or unhappy towards them that really doesn't give them any reason to want to come back.

[Denver_2010]

As for our financial situation, it is good for me. Not so much for her. I make twice what she does and have about 10 times the assets. It was always my job to save for the future. You are probably right, she probably can't afford to buy a bunch of stuff right now. Right before she left, she bought a new car. Now that she has moved out, she now has probably over $1100 a month in new bills when you total the car note, insurance, health insurance (that I now make pay for), rent and utilities. She is definitely much more strapped for cash than I am.

I find it almost eery how similar our sitch's are. My W bought a new car right before she left too. One that she cannot afford by herself. She is much more cash strapped than me too. I told you a little about our debt issue on my thread. It is more of a concern for her than it is for me if we D or LS. I'm just irritated that she is bailing on something that we did together and planned to deal with together. I'm not sure that I should let her out of that if we do D or LS... I mean that she is the one that is bailing out! Uggg... p*sses me off.

I guess me being nice is making it easier for her to let her guard down. That is good, I guess. But, much like my buddy Denver, I am worried that I might be making it easier for her to walk away. I guess the most important thing to do right now is just continue to show her the new, calm, level-headed me. At some point, she will begin to wonder who "this guy" is. Oh well, I have to go shower and get ready. I think it might be time for some motivational music of some kind.

It is true what they say... I would not wish this on my worst enemy.
FOBD

I worry that my W is only showing some softening to try to get me to be nice if/when she decides to drop the D or LS bomb. And no, I wouldn't wish this experience on my worst enemy either.

[FellOnBlackDays]

Update:
Well, I ended up blowing my wife off last night. Right before she was about to come over, some friends invited me to go out with them to see a mutual friend's band. I had to make a choice, sit at home and wait for my wife to come over and "slowly peel off a bandage" or go out and have some fun. I opted to GAL and have some fun. I called her and told her our meeting would have to wait. She didn't get mad, but seemed a bit disappointed. We agreed to meet today. Had some fun last night, but I was a bit down when I got there and realized that everyone there was with their significant other. I was the fifth wheel with four other couples. Not the best situation, but it was better than sitting at home. Got home around 1am feeling a bit down but happy I had GAL'd last night.

W called me first thing this morning to reschedule meeting. She is being so damned nice now, I am really beginning to wonder what is going on. I think I figured it out tonight. The tables have turned, somewhat. During our talk tonight, she finally admitted that she realizes I hold all the cards right now. I have the house, the goods inside it and she has no key. She openly admitted that she has been waiting on pins and needles all week while waiting to talk with me because she knew that whatever I decided to do, she was powerless to stop me. So, when she arrived about 7pm, I let my DB'ing kick in. I had just gotten home from the gym, so I not yet eaten. I made some dinner and was eating when she arrived. She immediately wanted to jump into the conversation, but I purposely made her wait. I told her that I wanted to finish my meal and that we could talk after. She sat there patiently while I ate. So, we took the time to make some small talk and I listened intently and smiled and laughed with her if she tried to be comical. I could tell this was killing her and I hate to admit that I was enjoying it a bit. She started telling me about her week and other things she has been up to. We talked for 20 minutes or so while I finished my dinner.

After that, we got started. I took out her list and explained to her how much I wanted to cooperate with her, but I had my concerns about some of the stuff she wanted. Long story short, I think I came out on the better end of the deal. I agreed to give her about 1/2 of what she wanted. The other half, I am going to buy her out. But, here is the kicker. I visited my attorney on Thursday. He told me that I don't have to offer her 1/2 of purchase price on things I keep, just fair market value. Well, we all know that furniture depreciates the minute you take deliver of it. So, I told her that I would buy her out at fair market value, not purchase price. She seemed a bit unprepared. You see, I never told her I visited a lawyer, but I started a couple of the negotiations with "according to state law, I have a right to..." It was very, very obvious by that point that she has not visited a lawyer as she could not say much in return or refute any of what I was saying. From there, I was pretty much able to take over. In essence, I am getting to keep most of the stuff I wanted to keep, and I am only going to pay her fair market value on the goods to buy her out. Not a bad deal if I say so myself. More importantly, she continued to apologize for wanting to take anything from the house and leaving me with an "empty shell" of what was once our beautiful home. I do believe her guilt for leaving is starting to get the best of her.

So, toward the end of our negotiations, she seemed a bit uneasy. I asked her to let me know what she was thinking. She stated that she is worried she won't have enough money to get the furniture she will need for her new place. She began to cry. Now, I know my W. In 15 years, you get to know a person pretty well. She wasn't faking. These last two meetings have really, really showed that she is not taking the S as well as she would have hoped. She is struggling and I could tell tonight. So, I took her hand, looked her in the eyes and told her that I personally guarantee she will get a fair deal and that I would never screw her over. She cried and stated, "you don't know how much this means to me. Thank you so much." It is sad to watch someone you love in pain. But, I also will not forget she is the one that is bringing down this pain on herself.

Once again, by DB'ing (taking care of myself and being as friendly as possible), I was able to come out on top. And, it happened again. When she arrived, she stated that she didn't want to stay very long. But, as I DB'ed (listened intently to her concerns, validated some of her sadness, apologized immediately for things I had done wrong in the past), she got more and more comfortable. She again stayed for 2 1/2 hours tonight. At one point, she curled up on the couch and was just looking intently into my eyes as I talked. This was the real kicker. After she had gotten pretty comfortable, she started opening up. She again admitted that my MIL has been against me the whole time. She stated tonight that she is actually very upset with her mother and that she has stopped calling her lately because all her mother does when they talk is try to put more gas on the fire. Another good sign. She is now turning her back on those that would rather see our M destroyed.

I won't lie, I cried like a freaking baby as soon as she left. But, once again, by DB'ing and ignoring my childish want for revenge and to be an *ss to her, I think she was impressed. At least three times tonight, I told her, "I want you to be happy. I want you to have a nice place to live. I want you to have the things you need to live while we are apart. If you need anything, just ask and you will have it." I was doing everything I could to be the supportive friend. Each time I told her this, she buried her face in her hands and cried. The fact of the matter is that my actions are making it impossible for her to hate me any longer. Yet, I am still taking care of me. I get to keep my furniture and she walked away thinking I am a great guy.

Toward the end, I could tell she didn't want to leave. She just kept sitting there and moving from topic to topic. I once again told her that I was still a bit angry about the whole thing, but that I was dealing with it in my own way and would not, in any way, let it change how I feel about her in my heart or how I would deal with her going forward. She told me she was so proud of me and who I have become.

Folks, I am very scared. My marriage is still very much on life support. But, I now know from her actions tonight that she is starting to thaw. At one point, she stated that the new place she is going to rent doesn't have any huge penalties for breaking the lease. She stated, "So, if a couple of months go by and I want out or can't afford it, I can get out of the lease." She started to elaborate on that then stopped herself. In other words, she still doesn't see this sitch as long term. Another good sign.

We will meet again this weekend to divide up the kitchen. I am actually looking forward to it. Each time she visits, she opens up more and more. She apologizes more and more for what is happening. Each time, I sit there, smile and say either "I understand or thank you for sharing with me." Man, this stuff really works. Tonight as she was leaving, I reached to touch her face and brush off a tear on her cheek. She didn't stop me. Instead, she reached up and put her hand on the back of my neck. We hugged for a really long time. And I could tell she was really pulling in close to me. I rubbed the back of her neck (I know, physical contact is a DB'ing "no no," but I miss her body) and it felt wonderful. When we pulled away, she was crying a bit again. I walked her to the door, hugged again and I let her out. She stopped just outside the door and again thanked me for being so great through all of this. She smiled at me and walked to her car.

I still have no idea where this is going, but I do know this. Not giving her what she wants (ie: being a jack*ss) is paying some huge dividends. I have no proof of this, but I would be willing to bet a pretty significant amount of money that she drove home tonight trying to figure out who kidnapped her husband and replaced him with this calm, collected, thoughtful individual. I just have to find the strength to keep this up. I am emotionally drained and will head to bed soon.

Hang in there everyone!

FOBD

[mj144]

You are my hero! I want to be like you when I grow up.

Congrats on kicking some major *ss tonight, man. You are on the way! Don't let up.

[Sad_but_happy]

I'm headed to bed myself FOBD but just wanted to say AWESOME!!! Your strength through your pain is inspiring... Though my sitch is not as extreme as yours I am very aware of the fact that it can turn on a dime and go very bad.

I just hope I am as strong as you should my circumstances take a turn for the worst.

I hope you fall asleep smiling tonight! You deserve it!

[ironMan]

WAY TO GO, FOBD!!!

You did great. BTW, you ARE a better man now ... right? And you will have a good life ... with or without her. She will decide what she will decide and you'll be ok in the end. You're in control.

Great job! This development was an inspiration!

BITS!!!