Bolt, I feel your pain. About a month and a half after my W moved out, she took a trip out of the country. She told me I could not have any details regarding the trip. But, when the phone bill came in I saw that she had exchanged over 300 texts with a number that had never appeared on our bill before. The area code on the number matched the part of the world she was in. Apparently she made a new friend while she was away. I guess she thought she was going to intercept the bill before I could see it. None the less, curiosity got the best of me and I called the number. I got the voice mail box of a guy whose name I will not use here. I confronted her about it. Bad move, but I hadn't read DB yet when I did this. None the less, I got the "friends" line. She swears that there was no PA, but that they are just "friends." I am sorry, but you don't exchange 300 messages with another man when you are still technically married. I realize there is nothing I can do about this and I need to let it go if I am going to truly DB, but it really pisses me off every time I think about it. We were together 15 years with no infidelity. 300 texts is a mental affair no matter how you try to justify or frame it. I guess we both are going to have to just let this go if we truly want to DB.
Don't let the presence of paranoia make you feel too bad. It is going to happen. My W left four months ago and I constantly battle the same thing. I have to admit I have tried to find out more about her from time to time than I should have. This is not good for two reasons. 1) If she finds out, it will make things worse. 2) It is not good for my own mental well being. But we are human. Next time you feel paranoid, change your environment. If you are at work, take a walk, strike up a conversation with a co-worker or call a friend. Do anything to get yourself out of that frame of mind. I do this from time to time and it seems to help. I hope it will help you too. Keep us posted on your sitch. We are pulling for you.
fellonblackdays
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
Fell, definitely the same thought about texts. That much texting is a bit too far, I feel.
I've been texting W today since she's at work and she's gone through a lot of emotions. Mad because I checked up on her, mad because I had a slip in the past regarding texts and a co-worker. Now she's reassuring that this other guy is actually giving her good advice to help our marriage. I want to believe her and honestly, I have no other choice.
The hardest part for me is that I am truly trying to change from that selfish person I was. There are going to be slipups because I have been that other person for so long. I just hope she can be patient with me as I am with her during this.
Can I ask, what was the straw that made your W move out?
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
Bolt, Well, it was more like a bail of hay than a straw. Much of my details are in my thread entitled "I failed horribly." But here are some of the important ones:
1) I can be a selfish jerk at times. 2) I worked too much and put my job first. 3) I had been battling some undiagnosed depression from the death of parent. 4) I didn't give her a child. Something she has wanted for years, but I was scared to do because of some other unresolved issues inside my own head. 5) I was drinking too much on the weekends to kill the pain of some of the depression. Unfortunately, this put quite a bit of distance between us. 6) We sucked at communicating. We always seemed to take everything to a screaming match instead of talking like adults.
Despite all of this, we did have a good marriage. We just neglected it for far too long, she got upset, asked me to make changes, I refused because I am an idiot, she left. So, here we are. I love her with all my heart and will do anything to get her to come home. DB'ing has been a life-saver. Without it, I am quite certain she would have already filed for D and I would be in a mental institution.
As for the texting, well, I just continue to let it go. Asking her about it will only make things worse. I do plan on addressing it at some point, but not right now. I seem to be reversing the tide right now and I don't want to stop the good momentum I have built up. We will see.
Hang in there!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
Now she's reassuring that this other guy is actually giving her good advice to help our marriage
I meant to warn you, that statement usually follows the "he's only a friend".
You are right, she would not text just a friend a couple hundred times. She is getting something out of that connection....you can bet your life on that. If it hasn't turned into a full blown EA, it's well on it's way. Don't buy the junk about OM helping your M. He's helping himself right into the back door.
Have a plan and do not act out of emotions. Decide what you want and what you are willing to do and not do.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am with Sandi. And a EA would explain a lot wouldnt it? I am sorry, I dont buy the "she knows she would hurt me so much and therefore wouldnt do THAT". I was married to the best man I knew. "He would NEVER do THAT to me!!"... Guess what? And he did THAT to me and I had noc clue...
Do not feel guilty for doubting your wife. As Sandi says, HAVE A PLAN and stay in control of yourself! Kalni
I meant to warn you, that statement usually follows the "he's only a friend".
You are right, she would not text just a friend a couple hundred times. She is getting something out of that connection....you can bet your life on that. If it hasn't turned into a full blown EA, it's well on it's way. Don't buy the junk about OM helping your M. He's helping himself right into the back door.
Have a plan and do not act out of emotions. Decide what you want and what you are willing to do and not do.
I would also like to add to what Sandi said. I think sometimes people focus on the fact that there are A LOT of texts. But in my case it was the complete opposite. I mean if you looked our phone records. My W and OM probably averaged 1-2 texts per day over a month. Phone calls were about 2-3 week were in the 5-10 min range. And always during work hours. She also had days where she emailed him 5-6 times, but then would go a week without emailing him. They only worked together 1 day a week. But there was NO doubt in my mind she was having an emotional connection with this guy. And she knew it too and admitted it was an EA. (after giving me the "friends" line weeks before)
A big part of this was my gut screaming at me that something was wrong. What does your gut say?
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Honestly, after all of the advice I've been given, it does come back to my gut and it doesn't believe something is going on. She is very loyal AND the guy lives a couple thousand of miles away. He's in a secure relationship (but his significant other doesn't like the contact either). W has always had good guy friends and not too many good woman friends.
Really, I have to trust her. That is something that I do feel our relationship is based on. I don't like it - her texting - but honestly, I have told her how I feel and that I do believe her and trust her. So I have to understand that.
She is so confused on whether to stay or go right now that I am doing everything in my power to keep us together. That starts with me. Do I seem like a doormat for her to continue to text? I don't think so. She assures me that this guy is just like a chick. She's venting and he's showing the guy side. She even said she has no interest in him in any other way.
I have to believe her or I might as well be done with this relationship.
Am I crazy and naive? Maybe. But I'm willing to take that chance instead of ruining the M right now.
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
The hardest part for me right now is that we are in the process of a giant move.
Throughout our entire R, we've moved for my job. She's in the medical field so it's been easy for her to find another job.
This latest move is for different reasons. We're in CA and the education system isn't the best, it's very expensive and we're very far from family.
She wants to move to TN where family is. It's more affordable and the schools are really strong.
The problem is, there are really no job prospects for me there. Most of my work is in LA. I'm in the process of landing something pretty big and if we move, it could either destroy that lead or make me "commute" from TN to LA. I don't want to be away from my family that long.
So I'm at a crossroads in my life. Do I choose my family no matter what and forgo the career? Or do I stick to my guns as the "leader" of the family and say no to the move?
My gut and my faith are telling me to move with them. Things will be better in the long run because we'll be together. I can do other things and still be content.
Am I fooling myself? This is really keeping me up at night because I feel that I'm finally becoming the man that she wants me to be. It may be too late though. Do I really want to move to TN, be dumped and have no career as well?
Any advice?
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
I'm probably too old fashion to be much help to you b/c I don't believe it is appropriate to have more "guy friends" than women, when you are M. But, here's the thing, you've gotten into a place that you can't say very much (effectively)about suspecting an EA, when you've allowed these type of "friendships" with men.
I do believe that the man should be the primary leader of a family. That is not always welcomed by the W....and especially when the R is rocky....and especially if she's in an EA. Your decisions may not prove to always be popular, but you can't base it on trying to be a great pal (which I don't think that's what you're doing), but on what will have best outcome for your family.
Your W is not happy. She's trying to find happiness in other ways except through a MR with you. Perhaps moving back to family in TN would help her at first, but if the MR isn't what it needs to be, at some point she'll be looking for something else to make her happy.
How long at a time would you have to be gone from home? How do the kids feel about moving and changing schools?
My suggestion is that you try to make a decision based on how strong a father, husband, leader, protector, and provider you could be--in either location. If you are the leader that your family needs, then I think your W will either adjust to that....or else she wouldn't be happy with any decision you made. But, that just "old fashion me".
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
