Day 3 since the divorce announcement. He's still at the house. Slept 2 days on couch. Day 3 slipped into bed somewhere around 3 a.m. The kisses goodbye in the morning have ceased entirely. That's a first in our 11 years. He was real nice for 2 days. Nicer than he's been in months. Then started turning cold again today. These are truly bizarre human beings.
Said he was going to call a lawyer yesterday. Have no idea if he did. Figured that I wasn't supposed to ask. I wrote him a letter telling him how I feel and deleted it before sending it. It made me feel better to get my feelings down on paper but I know that I wasn't supposed to send it.
I put a skirt on for the first time in a few years today. Made me feel good. This mess stinks but it is certainly the best diet plan I've ever been on. Now down 23lbs.
Right now, I find most comfort in this community and the Bible. I find that I also feel better talking to people in my family. I'm fairly certain that each of them have gotten together to assign a day to call me. I think that's sweet actually. It's weird that I am talking as much as I am because I am definitely not a talker. But I do find it a bit comforting.
I keep waiting for this to get easier. But I know that will only come with time and distance. I have rage somedays too that I need to temper. I just can't understand how this all happened. Just like everyone else, I didn't think it would happen to us.
Anyway, I pray for you all. I pray for your peace. I think most of all we all need peace.
I have a serious attitude problem. Very serious. That's what I am figuring out. I am trying too hard to control the situation. Two weeks ago I'm sure people would have died to be in the situation I was in. My husband was still thinking through things, still in our house, still in our bed, still kissing me goodbye. BUT he was not showing me emotions. He wouldn't spend any time with me unless it was with other people. He would invite me to do things with the other people and what would I do? Say no and pout. I was angry because he wouldn't spend time with me (ongoing issue with the marriage because he's a workaholic). However, I had no right. I caused more damage. He's now saying he wants a divorce and that he'd be calling a lawyer last Tuesday. He didn't call the lawyer, but he stares at me with those pathetic eyes and gives me these pathetic smiles. Ugh!!!
Sometimes I need to be saved from myself. I really do. I don't know if there is any hope left. I'm obviously a very slow learner...
I'm sorry. Shift gears immediately. Do the complete opposite of what you have been doing, except don't beg and plead. Just don't give yourself an option to be cantankerous.
It is wonderful that you can admit it--most folks don't, they blame. So, don't beat yourself up, that will make you moody.
Go forth, be positive. Take really good care of yourself, that is much more attractive. The sooner you find joy within, the sooner that will radiate out. I know that isn't that easy when you are heartbroken--you need support, but you need to not look 'needy'. If you work in the same place, you will need to be 'on' while you are there. Your 'as if' has to be more non-chalant, not aloof, not overwhelmed.
He might still move out. It doesn't mean, it's the end. Kick it in gear, you can do this. You can work the space between you, to give you a chance at a NEW first impression.
lostnscared, Keep your head up. My W moved out four months ago. Tonight we are meeting to decide on how to divide up our household goods. She has told me on just about every occasion that we are through and she wants to move on with her life. But I will not give up and I don't want you to give up either.
Here are a couple of things that have helped me:
1) I have marked my favorite sections of DB. Every night, I read those sections. My copy of the book is completely beat up and dog-eared. But I turn to it every night. Do the same. Heck, I have part of the book committed to memory. I do find this really helpful. Try it and see if it helps.
2) Post here as often as you can. Use this as a sounding board for your soul. You see, when you get your feelings out and out on here, they don't hang around in your head haunting you. I told my C about this forum and he thinks posting here is a wonderful idea. You get to talk with others that can relate with your hurt and can tell you things that might help. I love this site. I come here every day and it really, really helps. I have made some friends here and they are wonderful to talk with.
3) Stay busy. You are correct. From time to time, the hurt will sneak up and bash you in the head without warning. When it does, change your environment. Call someone, take a walk, start cleaning your house, go to the gym, post something here. Get out of the environment you are in and sometimes it helps to curb the pain. Look, I am a 39 year old military veteran and there are days where I just start crying for no good reason. I suddenly have to run and hide somewhere. It is going to happen and it is OK. Crying is good for your soul and you always feel a bit better when you are done. Let your emotions flow. It is OK!
I hope this helps. Keep posting and stay in touch. And, don't forget this part:
"9. Keep in mind that your actions could be frightening to WAS - you are not reacting in the way they wanted. They had this D all mapped out in their head and it's not panning out the way they thought. This has the added benefit that it leads them to think "if this isn't going the way I planned then maybe it isn't right", but it will take them a LONG TIME to come to this conclusion, to let go of their D comfort blanket. You can help them by being consistent with the positive changes. If you revert back to the you they find unacceptable then they feel perfectly justified in continuing with the D."
That is the best thing I have read on here to date. And, it is very, very true. My wife showed up on Tuesday night looking for a fight. I DB'ed my behind off. When she didn't get the fight she wanted, it completely disarmed her and we ended up talking for 2 hours. I know what she was doing. She would come here, pick a fight, I would act like a jerk and, at some point, she would say, "You see, you haven't changed and I am right to leave you." Instead, at one point, she actually apologized for some of the crappy things she has done to me since she left. Do you think she came expecting to apologize to me??? I think not. But she did because I didn't give in to her tactics. Don't give your husband what he wants. He wants control and you give it to him when you mope, beg and plead. No one finds a crying spouse who is down in the dumps attractive. It only hardens their resolve that a D is the answer. Stay strong!
Fellonblackdays
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
I went to the gym and went to the movies with a friend and her daughter. I did ok. Then my parents called and they are pretty upset so I'm no so ok. They didn't set me off, I probably needed to cry. I won't cry in front of him because I just can't take anymore of those pathetic looks. Plus he's in a lot of pain and I am not interested in causing anymore.
Dmod- He sat me down and told me that he was too uncomfortable here and that he had to leave. I told him that I thought, at this point, it was probably a good idea. We talked about some of the old stuff and I asked why he was so cold. He said that I had pushed him away too long and that he just shut down. He said he was not interested in therapy or a couples weekend or anything. After that, I wished him luck. I didn't cry or breakdown. I actually couldn't. It wasn't from strength, I didn't, I think it was from pure exhaustion from the situation.
He keeps saying that I've changed, he sees no hope and that there is a divide between us that just keeps getting longer. He said that if we had any hope of salvaging a friendship, that he had to leave.
So, I keep following the tenets of db'ing because they are good for me. But in the end, I don't think there is any hope for my M. Now maybe I'm emotional and I'll feel better tomorrow, but people get a gut instinct about things, you know? I mean today, I KNEW something was coming. I followed what Michelle said and didn't act like it and was warm and friendly and smiling, but I knew.
Fell -
I am sadly aware of your situation as I've kept up on your thread. I am so sorry for what you are going through and I want you to know that I pray for you and the others here. I want this to work for you so much because you want it to work so much.
II thank you all for your help and I think I'm going to stay awhile because you are such good people who really care. I don't think I would have made it this far without you folks. God, 3 months ago I was looking at how to kill myself with the drugs in the house. Today, I couldn't even think about that. So, at least the techniques got me out of that crisis.
Oh one more thing, Dmod, he said he hasn't decided yet if he's going to file for divorce. But still maintains that he has no hope and doesn't think there's anyway of fixing it. I know I should latch onto that, but it's that gut instinct again. I think the only reason he's hesitating on that is because it would be tough financially.
Woke up with a migraine today which really isn't good. I don't want to appear that I'm moping around the house, but my head is killing me and there isn't much I can do.
Spoke with a friend last night who also works with my husband and I and was enlightened about a few things. He's basically on a campaign to "demonize" me. Our separation is all about me, I was a bad person, I couldn't handle the move, I pushed him away. I wrote an e-mail to him this morning and started with the fact that I am not angry and am not writing this from a place of anger. I asked him to stop saying the things that he's been saying especially to people that I am close with. I told him that he didn't need to demonize me to justify his feelings. I told him that I didn't cause his actions, that he chose his actions and that he needed to own them.
From the beginning, I've admitted that I failed in some pretty bad ways here. I cannot imagine, though, that everything is my fault. And I especially don't appreciate being portrayed the way I'm being portrayed.
Anyway, he's said nothing about the e-mail, but keeps showing up in my room asking if I need anything. He's trying to be nicer and I'm trying to be nice back but I don't especially feel like it right now. But we cannot always do what we feel, we have to do what is right. And being nice is the right thing to do.
It's amazing how quickly things can spiral completely out of control. It is not what I wanted for us. But we can't always get what we want either, I guess. He's obviously in a lot of pain. He's drinking a lot, has anti anxiety pills to sleep, has lost a lot of weight, is extremely restless, doesn't sleep, barely eats and he cries sometimes. My heart absolutely breaks for him and I hope that he's happier when he leaves.
