Denver, I am so glad that my brief moment in the sun can help others. I wish I could say the good feelings that came from that moment went on and on. But, reality set in today that I am still facing a very, very long and very uncertain road. But, I believe in my heart that I can do this. I will have good days and I will have bad, but I will continue to do this.
I also have good news and bad news today.
The good news is that I met with my marriage counselor this morning and I told him about our encounter. He applauded my behavior. He stated that I handled the entire situation perfectly except for the part where I got tricked into arguing with her. He actually asked me where I picked up my skills. I told him about DB. He was familiar. The really surreal part is where is told me that he believes that my wife may be suffering from some serious problems since she left. He believes that some of her actions are that of a very confused individual and that she is apparently not taking care of herself (Rule #1 of DB'ing). He continued to congratulate me throughout the entire visit. At the end, he told me that it is OK for me to take some stock in small victories and that I need to keep up the good work. But, he is still concerned about how much I still worry and think about her. He wants me to spend less time thinking about her. He also stated that starting on our next visit, he would like to hear me stop referring to her as my wife. He wants me to get comfortable with the idea that she might not return and no longer referring to her as my wife during conversation will start that ball rolling. I think he is right. If she comes back, no big deal. I can switch right back. But, for now, I think I will stop calling her my wife. I don't know yet what I will call her. I guess I will have to work on that. None the less, I left his office on "cloud 9."
Now the bad...
I had a setback today that kind of sucked. I am in sales and I was visiting with a client in her office around lunchtime. She had a radio playing softly in the background during our appointment. Out of the blue, a song came on that was very deeply related to a wonderful vacation that my W and I took a few years ago. I am so embarrassed to admit this, but I freaked out. I showed no emotion to my client, but on the inside I was losing my mind. I told my client I wasn't feeling well and excused myself. I headed for the restroom, splashed some water on my face and calmed down. I stayed in the bathroom long enough to ensure the song was over and returned to my appointment. That is really freaking sad. I am a 39 year old man and a Desert Storm Veteran. And I let a f*cking song chase me from a room. I guess I still have a very long way to go.
Denver, stay in touch. All of us here are what I call "B.I.T.S" In the service, we used this term for when you and some buddies ended up in a bad situation and had to really rely on each other. It stands for "Brothers in the Sh*t." Stay strong, buddy. BITS are always there for each other.
Spellfire, I really do like your style. I am very glad you have picked up on my thread. You are absolutely correct in your assertions. Thanks for the words of encouragement. Stay with me on this thing. You are a good guy to have around. You always seem to find a way to put a better spin on a situation. You are apparently a very experienced DB'er.
Onedayatatime, jump in with us. I don't know if you have a thread started already. But, if you do, I look around for it. I would love to know some background on your sitch. Denver and I are in pretty much the same boat. W's walked out a few months ago and went dark claiming it was over. I would like to believe that we will be the judges of that, NOT THEM!!! Hang with us, my man. We are BITS, and BITS never quit on each other! Never!
Keep in touch, fellows. I will keep monitoring this each day. Best of luck tomorrow in whatever you do with your life that day!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
Just caught on to your thread, FOBD. If you don't mind, I'd like to jump aboard. If you get a chance, catch up on my threads, 'Deja Vu, but new to the online forum'
I envy the way you have detached. I need to get there myself.
M42 W38 D5D7 M8 Living as 'roomates' since 9-12-10 Moved out 1-7-11 FIL threatened to kill me 1-20-11
MJ, Onestep, yes, you guys should join FOBDs as BITS! I like that a lot. I don't know much about your sitch Onestep but would be more than happy to catch up if you post your own thread.
FOBD - Sorry to hear about your setback, but it seems minor compared to the daily setbacks that I have been having since last Friday evening. I think that I have broken down crying 4 or 5 different days this past week (still better than Nov and most of Dec when it was every day). I have been feeling extremely lonely in my big house all by myself. Also feeling as if nothing I do, work etc, has any meaning without W and SS in my life. I was doing better for about 10 days, but have been struggling lately.
Meant to ask you FOBD, who's your team in the NFL playoffs? Did you college team with the bowl game? Was it BCS? Big sports fan here. My team, the Broncos just hired John Fox today. I'm pretty happy with that.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
MJ144, please do. The more opinions I can get, the better. I will try to catch up on your sitch this weekend. Please jump in whenever you like. A man can never have too many friends. But, please don't let me fool you. I have a long way to go before I can claim that I have "detached." Heck, I started to get a lump in my throat today right in the middle of a huge client meeting. I still have a long way to go. But I can truly say I am much better of now than I was six weeks ago. Talk to you soon!
As of today, I do have an update. When my wife came over on Tuesday night, she presented me with a list of items that she wants from the house. In a nutshell, she wants just about 1/2 of everything in the house including furniture and she stated she wanted an answer by this weekend because she is getting a new place. I told her I would need some time to think.
Yesterday, I did something I never wanted to do, but I have been told by numerous people I needed to do... I visited a lawyer and put him on retainer. He advised me to do a couple of things that I will start on this weekend. I don't want to go into any details here because anything here is public knowledge or can be used in court. None the less, I didn't call her. I wanted to she what she would do. Well, I got a call today. She was friendly and bubbly and wanted to know when we could meet this weekend to discuss my decision. This left me with a couple of questions that I want to pose to anyone who will answer:
1) If she is through with me, our marriage and continues to state over and over again that she is moving on, why does she want all this stuff from our house? This stuff is going to be nothing more than a huge pile of reminders of what once was? Kind of weird, if you ask me?
2) On Tuesday night, when she started to tell me that she had this list, she began crying. As she cried, she started listing all this stuff she is going to need for her new place. I got angry, cut her off and told her she had better not attempt to sit there in front of me and cry because she has no stuff for her new place. Frankly, I was quite stern and raised my voice as I shut her little act down. Why would she do that? Does she think crying in front of me will illicit some mercy or is she really upset about moving which might signal second thoughts?
3) Why do we have to meet in person to discuss this decision? We could easily do this over the phone. Yes, I am excited about seeing her and look forward to it. But she initiated the meeting. Is she just being nice to make sure she gets what she wants?
None the less, in the true spirit of DB'ing, I have decided to cooperate with her to a point. I am going to refuse to give up some things that I really want and give a little on some other things. I still haven't made up my mind if I am going to help her move or not. That seems like a bit much to me, but I have seen cases where that was done. I still love her and I am going to continue to DB my *ss off for the next couple of months. I am just a bit confused by some of her behavior. Is she playing nice to ensure she gets what she needs or is there some indecision on her part.
She means everything to me. I loved her in a way that I have never loved any other woman before. Since she left, I have felt like I lost a limb. But, I will not be played like a fool. This thing will end on my terms because that is what is best for me.
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
"I would prefer we just do it over the phone, but if you would prefer to do it in person, you are welcome to pay me a visit."
"No sorry that time doesn't work for me, I have plans. How about ____________ ?"
All the rest you are over-analyzing her motives. You are too focused on HER and what she is thinking and feeling.
She is in a fog and there is nothing logical about her. Keep looking inwards at yourself.
Sorry for the short answers, limited time just now. I'll check back in again soon.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
MJ, Onestep, yes, you guys should join FOBDs as BITS! I like that a lot. I don't know much about your sitch Onestep but would be more than happy to catch up if you post your own thread.
FOBD - Sorry to hear about your setback, but it seems minor compared to the daily setbacks that I have been having since last Friday evening. I think that I have broken down crying 4 or 5 different days this past week (still better than Nov and most of Dec when it was every day). I have been feeling extremely lonely in my big house all by myself. Also feeling as if nothing I do, work etc, has any meaning without W and SS in my life. I was doing better for about 10 days, but have been struggling lately.
Meant to ask you FOBD, who's your team in the NFL playoffs? Did you college team with the bowl game? Was it BCS? Big sports fan here. My team, the Broncos just hired John Fox today. I'm pretty happy with that.
Denver
What I said above that took almost 24 hours to post.
FOBD: "I started to get a lump in my throat today right in the middle of a huge client meeting. I still have a long way to go. But I can truly say I am much better of now than I was six weeks ago. Talk to you soon!"
I am doing better than I was weeks ago too, but this week has been rough. I have broken down at my office at least once each day this week. I find it difficult to really focus on my work for long stretches of time. Can't get W out of my head... I'm definitely not detached, but have been trying to decide just how detached I actually want to get right now. I can live with the pain for a while.
"1) If she is through with me, our marriage and continues to state over and over again that she is moving on, why does she want all this stuff from our house? This stuff is going to be nothing more than a huge pile of reminders of what once was? Kind of weird, if you ask me?"
Hmmm... not sure about you and W's financial sitch, but my W wanted stuff out of our house mainly bc she knows that she's not going to be able to afford to buy her own stuff if we D. Also, if you don't think that your W would want it bc they are reminders of what once was, why would you want it?
"2) On Tuesday night, when she started to tell me that she had this list, she began crying. As she cried, she started listing all this stuff she is going to need for her new place. I got angry, cut her off and told her she had better not attempt to sit there in front of me and cry because she has no stuff for her new place. Frankly, I was quite stern and raised my voice as I shut her little act down. Why would she do that? Does she think crying in front of me will illicit some mercy or is she really upset about moving which might signal second thoughts?"
IMO could be one of two things FOBD. 1) she is getting emotional bc she is truly sad about what is happening, probably confused, unsure of her decisions. or 2) She is trying to elicit sympathy so that you will be more agreeable to giving her stuff out of the house. Again, don't know the financial sitch that you guys are in. Can you brief us on that a little? Also, FOBD, I'm not sure what you mean that you became angry with her. But I would strongly suggest that you not be outwardly angry or argumentative with her. I think that you can be strong, decisive and hold your ground without doing this. JMO.
"3) Why do we have to meet in person to discuss this decision? We could easily do this over the phone. Yes, I am excited about seeing her and look forward to it. But she initiated the meeting. Is she just being nice to make sure she gets what she wants?"
Maybe you shouldn't have made yourself available for this meeting. Tough call here, but that may have got her wondering why you are unwilling to make time for her. Not that i don't understand. The last time I saw my W was Dec 22 and when I found out that she was willing to let me see her and SS for a little bit, I drove like 100 mph risking life and limb to get to her M's house.
"I still haven't made up my mind if I am going to help her move or not. That seems like a bit much to me, but I have seen cases where that was done. I still love her and I am going to continue to DB my *ss off for the next couple of months. I am just a bit confused by some of her behavior. Is she playing nice to ensure she gets what she needs or is there some indecision on her part. "
I'm wondering that about my W right now too. She's not nearly as angry towards me as she was when this all first started. Your guess is as good as mine.
I wouldn't help her move out if I were you. Some others may disagree, but I think that if our W's want out of R with us, then they need to do the work and begin to understand the reality of what that means.
"Since she left, I have felt like I lost a limb."
Exactly how I describe my situation.
BITS! Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
The tears to me are a sign of her still being attached. While I think that she as well as my W and other's S here have made their 'decision', the tears and emotion they show is their heart speaking. Their mind tells them they are done, but in all reality, I believe that my W, maybe yours and all of the others' S are trying to validate w/in themselves the decision they made with their words and actions. In all of our sitches, there was no abuse of any kind or extreme circumstances where the decision is made out of real necessity and/or safety. That is why Dbing can be so successful since there is a shed of doubt in all our S decisions. We all just need to be patient and consistent with our actions to increase that level of doubt until we can kick the f'ing wall down and win back their hearts.
M42 W38 D5D7 M8 Living as 'roomates' since 9-12-10 Moved out 1-7-11 FIL threatened to kill me 1-20-11
