The feelings you described last night while at dinner, are the unbearable ones, the ones that make you feel hopeless. When I get to that place, which I am sorry to say is more often than not, I start the blame game. But, I usually blame myself or start finding fault with myself which of course no one is innocent, but we didn't decide that committment was irrelevant, or that what we wanted was more important than the greater good. We didn't decide that what we wanted or felt was more important than our childrens welfare. We didn't decide to lie whether by witholding our thoughts, or lie about where we were, who we were with. We didn't surround ourselves with people who would agree that our choices were understandable, and that you only live once, and might as well do whatever you want to do.
We may have been wrong about many things during our marriages, but we were willing to try to make it better. They were willing to create chaos, pain, and lifetime problems for our children, and other people in our families. Not only our families, but our friends, our co-workers were affected because we became different people. I couldn't hide the tears, the devesation that my XH created.
I know I sound angry too, but it makes me so angry that all of us here, are left to pick up the pieces for ourselves and our children. It is going to take time and a ton of glue to put us back together, and it seems we will always have a missing piece.
Can I just say that today I hate them all, and hope they rot. And that goes for the others that were involved with them too.
Talk about emotional rollercoaster. One day I am crying, the next day throwing things. I hope you are doing better today, but it has to be harder when you don't have your children. I am only without mine when I am working a couple of days in a row, and then I am so tired that it is nice to just come home and rest. I wish you could see yours more, and I hope the time goes by quickly until you do.
