I spoke with Jody on Wednesday morning (before TT with XH). My notes are below.
Mila and Missher, thank you very much for your responses above. I'll reply to them next.
Jody agreed with Missher and said that people often settle for friendship with their WASs because they are afraid to risk the loss of that friendship to move into the next stage: Romance. She recommended that when I am with Mr. GAG, I should continue to be flirty but minimize contact with him in between. Limiting contact heightens the enjoyment when contact occurs. This is called “arousal”. Romance always involves risk and that’s what makes it exciting. She said to “mix it up” and put him off his guard. Flirtation should be energetic flirtatious fun. After you’ve flirted, be gone. Do not pursue. She recommended staying well-energized and rejuvenated in other aspects of my life to make sure I don’t get down and take care of myself.
I asked Jody if my idea of asking XH to give me his feedback about a new sound system would be a good way to break the pattern of only playing TT. Told her I was getting bored with just that and felt the need to mix it up a bit. She said that with XH having 3 leaks in his roof and being down about his BMF’s actions as of late (warring with BMF’s XW), that XH may feel resentful that I am considering upgrading my house when he is not. She said that I should be trying to make him feel “big”. She said that I should try to match him, not exceed him. (Side note: the flirting book also recommends mirroring behavior as a way to attract the person you are interested in.) XH just bought an iPad for Christmas, so she said I should ask him about his new iPad. Ask him what the apps are like, etc. She said that I should suggest that we go to a new restaurant after playing TT (e.g. “I thought I’d like to check out that new restaurant over on XXXXX. Maybe you’d like to go with me?”).
She recommends this book by Jedd Diamond: “Mr. Mean: Saving your Relationship from the Irritable Male Syndrome”. Diamond, who is a therapist specializing in male MLC after having gone through a MLC at one point in his life, talks about how men seem to have a more restricted perspective on love than women do. Women can make the shift from limmerance (i.e. infatuation) to caring and having loving feelings and positive regards for their spouses in a more global sense. When men say “I’m not in love with you” they say it because they don’t feel the intensity they felt in the beginning. They mean “I feel that the hot, addictive component of our R has worn thin.” …… What a man is really saying is “I don’t feel that much passion in my life anymore” which is different than what the woman is hearing (“I don’t love you any more”). Unfortunately, when we (women) feel rejected, we start acting in ways that make us more unattractive. This makes the situation worse. Jody said that it must be rather perplexing for Mr. GAG at present because with my flirtations I am teasing him with exactly what he needs the most.
The primary reason men leave is that they are overwhelmed with shame. Diamond says they feel ashamed that they feel so needy for love and nurture. They are aware that they are not meeting the needs of other people. Most deeply they feel ashamed over things that seem so trivial on the surface. (I’m leaving you because you gained weight, because you work too much, etc.). They leave because they’re unhappy with themselves and their life. Men feel they need to leave the R to keep the core of their identity from being destroyed. In their state of mind, leaving is the most kind thing they can do to keep their current upheaval from ruining the R. They leave because they feel the long suppressed childhood traumas coming to the surface.
For flirting to be a healthy flirt it needs to be generous. It’s not done in a way that implies any expectation of reciprocity. I should look at taking on this flirting as a way of refining my flirting skills. If this doesn’t change R with Bob, I will be learning skills for another person. The person who is flirtatious doesn’t care what reaction she gets. She is confident. That is really the difference between effective flirting (our goal) and flirting that stems from a woman’s neediness…….and a man knows the difference. Its like “I am so comfortable in my own skin, I don’t care how you respond to this.”. I’m just doing this because I enjoy being this way.
She said “You’ve only known Mr. GAG when he was in mid-life. He may have been more of an initiator (i.e. physically) before mid-life.” She gave an example of a client whose H did not initiate $exually while in mid-life but had been the aggressor when they were younger.
She agreed with everyone’s interpretation of why BMF contacted me a couple times in late November and early December. She said that BMF could see that I was going to continue to be a part of XH’s life, so he was making a gesture to move toward me.
Jody also said that she has been counseling a handful of women with WAHs for 2-3 years now and that there has been surprising progress in a number of these situations. One example she gave was of a WAH who was totally out of contact with his family initially for a long period of time, but over the course of 2-3 years had progressed to the point where he spent an entire week with his W recently.
