I decided to push through with the divorce because it was clear from everything XH was doing (or really more NOT doing) that he was just waiting for me to pull the plug. It was too hard being in that limbo. I was VERY concerned about his spending and being responsible for his debt, too. Be careful--my friend was very trusting of her X didn't push the divorce through, and 2 years later, she is still paying off his credit cards! Anyway, at the time, I thought to myself, "THIS marriage needs to end, maybe sometime we will have a different one, but THIS MARRIAGE is completely out of whack, unbalanced and makes me feel terrible about myself."
I would be shocked if we ever had a 2nd one. The advantage of the D is that you see things more clearly--you understand the dynamic of the marriage better when you are out of it and get some distance from it. Like Golfgirl1, I feel so much better about myself since the D- in some marriages, I think that one spouse needs to feel superior to the other. My XH was like that--he very quietly critized and put me down a lot. It was an underlying current in our marriage. I don't think I would have gotten divorced in the absence of his affair, but in hindsight my marriage wasn't a healthy relationship for me.
Financially, my XH and I made about the same amount of money, but I was always the "slush" fund, and now I've got more than when I was married to him. Its clear now that he spent HIS money and MY money, so I'm a LBS who is better off financially single. He is still with the OW--she lives in another state and visits here. His dad is getting ready to move in with him, and the kids say he is broke (he makes 6 figures, but is always broke and always has been!). So, I don't know whether he thinks he's better off or happier or not...but its his life now. He can live it how he pleases.
Trusting someone again will be REALLY hard. I agree with ImprovedRomeo--how do you make yourself vulnerable again? I was seeing a very nice man--smart, good job, generous, kind...but I came up with a lot of reasons for not pursuing it--one of the good reasons being that I'm not ready and my kids aren't ready for me to be in something serious. And that is legitimate, but maybe some of the other reasons aren't so good. We are still friends and its clear that he'd like to be in a relationship with me, but it feels like touching a hot frying pan. Now he is exploring a job in another state and wants to know how I feel about it. I wish I could say DON'T GO, but I can't do that. I feel like I can't sustain more of a relationship than dinner once a week or so. That's about all the commitment I can muster up. But one day, I hope I will be able to do better!
