... funny, as I'm typing this he says he's gotta go put his GPS on ... lmao ...
He's a real life Dora the Explorer alright....
I can picture him now....
Backpack, Backpack, Backpack, Backpack. I'm the Backpack loaded up with things and knick knacks too. Backpack, Backpack. Backpack, Backpack. YEA!
Cause he has only made that drive a few (hundred) times...
Eric: hey kids ... who do we ask when we don't which way to go?
I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map ... I'M THE MAP!!!!
Not likely Grit ... you guys come looking we'll just tell you we've got weapons of mass destruction hidden here and you'll look everywhere else!!! And when y'all start wandering around in the wilderness .... well we'll hide the bodies in the hundreds of thousands of empty acres of northern land and no one will ever know
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Didn't expect to see a Dora blast when logging on tonight. That controlling b*tch is leading poor Boots around by the tail. GAL Boots! GAL! If she's not careful Swiper's going to do a lot more than swiping!
M / W: 43 D8 S6 M 10 years / T 13 years W admitted EA/PA: 10.6.09 Separated in same house 10.6.09 W moved out 2.27.10
Sorry to interrupt the party......... ...........just wanted to respond quickly to trapt's post from this morning. Just trying to catch up for the week while the snow is piling up outside. I agree with pretty much everything trapt said. He raised many good points, but something jumped out at me that I thought merited review from a different perspective.
Originally Posted By: trapt
You can't place ANY of this on the woman he is dating. You can't expect to date someone with some sort of "disclaimer" so to speak. It would be so wrong for him to go into this with a "well she should know what she's getting into" kind of midset.
I'm not sure that trapt understood what I was trying to say here. I just meant that Missher and MHL's GF are both adults and as such, should both recognize and take responsibility for the risk that is implicit in becoming involved in a R where one, or possibly both parties, are healing from lost loves. To me this ^^^^^^^^^ sounds like trapt is saying that Missher should take all of the responsibility for the health of his R with new GF. I may be misunderstanding your intent in writing this trapt, so please forgive me if I am misunderstanding your words. To me this ^^^^^^^^ sounds like someone trying to control the evolving R with GF by taking responsibility for communication away from GF. GF deserves to bear some responsibility in the evolution of this R too just as she deserves to share the rewards with Missher. Missher is a very thoughtful guy. He is not a cad and I have no doubt he doesn't intend to take advantage of GF.
We should remember too that GF may also have some left over feelings for a past R that we (and maybe Missher) aren't aware of. Maybe she is afraid of deep emotional involvement and that is why she likes to keep the men she has met on match.com at arm's length in the "friendship zone"........maybe she has trouble thinking that people might not like her and that is why she chooses to keep these other past dates in her life as friends (my XH does this).........or maybe that is why she has chosen to date someone who lives an hour away. Just throwing different scenarios out there. I have no idea whether there is validity to any of these scenarios. Missher knows much more about this woman than we do.
It is always scary to put ourselves "out there" but when we connect with someone in that special way, there is no sweeter joy in life.
No worries at all and please forgive me as well if I have misunderstood you.
For starters, I really wanted to go back and edit that dang post. It was poorly written. (I was at work at the time...sshhh)
I think it's important to differentiate casual dating from something more serious. I do remember MHL saying he was thinking about moving toward the latter. I may have read that wrong, I'll have to go back and check.
I wasn't placing all the responsiblity on him as far as his new R goes, however he does owe it to himself, his children and his new partner to come out of his old relationship with his STBX happy, healed and whole. That one I do believe strongly falls on him and I feel confident knowing what I know about him that he will succeed.
It does take a lot of time to do that though, especially when you've shared so much with someone for so long. (children being by far the most important) I think he will begin to see with time, that situations will continue to arise that make him stop and take a look back. This is tough, and it should be if he wants to make it out of all of this for the better. It's something that he will continue to need to deal with I guess is what I'm trying to say and by asking himself these hard questions he is doing just that.
The main point I was trying to make was to be careful with a new R. It's new, it's emotional and it's exciting. There is of course all of the biological stuff that happens too or "love chemicals" if you will. They can and do, cloud our vision at times. Not to even mention the stressors that are still present while finalizing his D.
Originally Posted By: goodattitudegirl
This brings me to the main point that I wanted to convey to you. Your new GF is an adult woman, right? While I agree with what Jack and trapt said about being "careful with the woman you are currently seeing. I know you have a lot to think about, but is she really getting all of you right now?"......I would argue that she is a grown woman and knows the chance she is taking by dating a man in your position. All you can do is be honest with her to the best of your ability. I don't doubt that you are already doing that. That is the risk that we ALL take in trying to find that special someone,........ and even more so when emotions are so labile.
To be fair I wanted to go back and quote your whole statement GAG. The part in bold is what really jumped out at me.
This to me, sort of sounded like an assumption. Which can lead to trouble. With that said, what you said right after about him being honest, I totally agree with.
It didn't sound like this new woman was aware of what was still taking place between him and his STBX either. Hell, that may be an assumption on my part if so, please forgive me.
In short....Just be careful and go slow my friend. You have a lot on your plate.
Thank you all for the responses, I truly value everyone's perspective and hopefully this part of my story will help others that are reading.
I not only come here to get advice but I also give advice and feel that by telling my story the people that I post to will have a better perspective on what it is that I am saying to them.
First, I am sorry I took a while to respond....been busy....it is true that when things "get better" you will have less time to devote here. With that being said, I am glad I allowed myself time to make this decision and time to seek counsel and then in turn weigh that counsel.
Good rule of thumb......
When in doubt, hold off and do nothing for 24 to 48 hours.
Well, after reading everyone's responses and talking to a few of you over the phone........
I chose not to go over to my STBXW's for dinner with her and the kids last Friday night. Actually went over to Kemper's for beer, pizza and some good healthy dialouge.....Thanks Kemper.
GAG and Trapt.....I will address the lady I am dating in a minute but just wanted to say thanks for the input.
Over the last several weeks, particularly around Christmas, the interactions with my STBXW sorta heated up a little. I posted about it in this thread. I was fine with the interactions, they did not bother me and I was having a good time.
Did the affections between my STBXW and me mean that I still had unresolved issues or more "work" to do????
NO
Were those physical interactions with my STBXW inappropriate????
YES.
I have come a long way and have done a lot of "work" on me. I have learned to keep my emotions in check and not let what my STBXW is doing affect me emotionally. I liken it learning how to ride a bike.......
I had to re-learn how to ride a bike......and I got good at it......
so good that I learned how to ride with "no hands". Well interacting with my wife in the manner I have in the recent past is just like riding a bike with no hands.....
It is like I was saying to all of you.....
"Look!!!! No hands Mom!!!!" like I learned some neat trick.
Hey I can file for divorce, kiss and hug and make out with my STBXW and date too!!!! and I'm okay.
Yeah, right Missher......that was working good right up until she asked me over for dinner.
I stopped looking ahead at the path in front of me for a moment.....I turned my head and looked at my STBXW for just a moment....when I look back straight ahead.......
Well, I had lost track of the path I was on.......I was still on it but could not see it......that kind of threw me a little. That is why I came here.
Here is what I have found....I am still on the same path and in the smae place as I was before, just couldn't see my feet for a minute. Well I can see them again and I am still stepping forward.
I don't know what my STBXW was/is thinking and to speculate is to take my eyes off my path. If she really wants to reconcile or is interested she will make her intensions known....period.
If that happens I will weigh that at that time.....just as I would weigh a relationship with any woman I may be dating at that time.
Which takes me to the discussion of dating and "getting serious" with another woman.
Well let me say this....I think my words may have betrayed me a little with this. For me "getting serious" meant that I was not going to "date" anyone else for the time being to see where this relationship might go.
I have been on Match.com for a little over 2 months and been out on dates (drinks, coffee and some dinners) with a lot of women, some I had a second date with others it was a "one and done situation".
This person that I am currently seeing is about 1.5 hours away and I have been have been talking with her since Dec. 4, met for the first time on Dec. 11 and really because of distance, kids and the holidays have only seen her a handfull of times. However, I am interested in seeing more of her.....don't know what she wants but she knows my situation and truth be told, I think she is being VERY cautious with me based on just that.
Soooo, hopefully that throws a little more light on my sitch. I really am not factoring her in on my decision to interact with my STBXW, or should I say my decision to limit the interactions from here on out.
So to recap....Missher is going to start acting more "divorced" as the D day approaches and while he found out that he could be "friends" with his STBXW....he probably is not going to be friends with her.
Missher is going to continue to be the best father he can be to his kids.
Missher does not officially have a "girlfriend", however that may change......meantime he is not going to explore any other options at this time....LOL.
Most importantly.....Missher is still on a journey of growth and self-discovery and he intends on sharing that experience here in hopes that someone else may benefit from reading about it.
Thank you ALL once again, I really appreciate the effort.
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
...........just wanted to respond quickly to trapt's post from this morning. Just trying to catch up for the week while the snow is piling up outside. I agree with pretty much everything trapt said. He raised many good points, but something jumped out at me that I thought merited review from a different perspective.
