Detachment issues

[AntoniaB]

This is exactly what I feel, GAG. I feel like there is still love between us. And yet he is too scared to try to face anything. That love he feels for me is strong, yes, but so is his 43 years of pain that he built up from never facing the crap he dealt with as a kid. He saw at least 3 therapists over the years who all told him that it wasn't "important" to face his childhood fears and confront his parents for what they did to him. I disagree. It takes a tremendous effort for someone as sensitive as him to keep the peace and hold in the pain he feels over not just the way they treated him in the past, but the way they joke about it now openly. Making jokes about abusing your kid in front of him and his wife isn't normal. And I was deeply offended by this crap. Maybe the OW just laughs it off. All I know is they "like" her more than they liked me.

But the bottom line is that no matter how much I know that we could have fixed everything, he isn't on board. He doesn't have the faith and belief in work and progress and results that I do. And this might be a reason why we can't be together. One of the first conversations we ever had, which I recall as if it were yesterday, he was ridiculing me for being optimistic about a situation where he was pessimistic.

The fact is that after 23 years with him, I was a glass half empty person and looked for the bad in everything.

Give me 7 months without him in my life, and I'm the opposite. People around me are saying that this is "who I was" until I was "with him."

He is far too afraid to face his demons. He told me that on many occasions. Instead, he prefers to try to shut them down or avoid the urges to feel scared or angsty or angry.

Why would you want to avoid those things the rest of your life, when you had the opportunity to face them, figure out why they are there, and then banish them?

This is the difference between he and I. He won't work to fix things. I will.

This is why our relationship will never work.

Yes there is love there on both sides. But there is also pity. I think the rel. with the other woman is born out of that. If the only reason he can say he is with her is "I don't want to break her heart too", then sorry, that is a relationship that exists out of pity.

I'm not going to be in a relationship because someone feels sorry for me or pities me. Not anymore.

I'm not saying that this isnt' tearing me apart, through and through. It is. All I want emotionally is to talk to him, to confide in him, and the fact is that I know he is receptive to it.

But look, eventually, he will reject that contact. SHE will make him do it.

And even if she did not, he would feel guilty that he was two-timing her.

I will not give him that power over me. No more.

I am stronger than he is. I know it. I have said that I love him over and over. It's not like I'm leaving him with a bad impression on my end. But I am not going to destroy what little is left of me to hang on to someone who can't appreciate me.

Thanks everyone for the support. This has been a complete stripping down and rebuilding of my self this week. A lot fell into place to make it happen in a short period of time. I am grateful for the space to just let it all out.