On Figurative Ledge - Talk Me Down?

[Denver_2010]

FOBD:

Yeah, I know that I need to be careful about W's step father (who I am referring to as FIL) bc stuff will eventually get back to W. I really don't ask him too many questions about W and what she is doing bc I DO know that this wouldn't help anything. Besides, I don't think that he knows too much about what W is thinking or doing.

"As for the part where they told you that your W thinks you are going to drop a D on her, that is a pickle. It is kind of contradictory. If she is through with you and doesn't care, why would she be concerned about you dropping the D on her? She wants it to be over, right?"

Just to clarify FOBD, I don't think, or at least I don't know, if W is worried that I will drop the D on her. In fact, a little less than 2 weeks ago she was saying that she was ready to file for LEGAL SEPARATION. I'm still not sure why she was focusing on that instead of full D, but I'm not sure about anything right now. But what I was saying is that she is concerned that IF we do D or LS that I will stick her with half of our debt. We have incurred quite a bit over the past 3 years. While I make a very good living, my biz has not done as well bc of the economy. W and I had planned on paying debt over the next 5 or 6 years when she finished school and got a teaching job, which she now has. Now she is bailing on the M and is concerned that I'm going to make her pay for her share of that debt. I know that making her do this will make things difficult on her financially bc she will be a single mom again and living on a teacher's salary (who are grossly underpaid). I haven't made a decision on what I will do with this issue, but that is what she is worried about.

"But, when we "go dark," we show them that we can stand alone. That we can, should we chose, walk away also. We show them that they don't hold all the cards. I know my wife was probably freaking out a bit when I "went dark" for close to a month. I went from emailing her three times a day, sending cards and flowers, calling constantly to nothing for four weeks. It sucked. I paced the floors worrying that my actions were being misinterpreted. But, we can't worry about that, man. When we "go dark," we are putting a message in a bottle and throwing it out to sea. Will it reach our spouses? Who knows? But, we have to throw that bottle in the ocean for our own sanity. We have to throw that bottle to prove to no one but ourselves that we can do it."

My concern about going dark, not initiating any contact with W, and not pursuing at all is based on the fact that that's how I was for the most part of the last 10 months that we were together. I was a WAH a few times during that time. I'm afraid going dark etc. will only support her beliefs that I DON'T love her or care about our M. This is where my main internal struggle is as far as how to fix M.

"I do plan on making some "light" contact here and there. Just keep doing what you are doing. Call, be breezy, make small talk and hang up after a few minutes. Eventually, she will start to wonder what is going on and may stay on the line a bit longer in the future. Not to mention, it will quell your fear that she thinks you are going to drop a D on her. If you are calling her to be a "friend," she won't think a D is coming. Not to mention, at some point you may catch her in a chatty mood and who know what will happen. "

This is kind of the strategy that I have been leaning towards... at least for the next few months.

"I do find it somewhat ironic that you and I are giving each other advice considering we both ended up in this mess around the same time. But I guess it never hurts to hear another opinion. "

Absolutely not! I have pretty much stopped talking to my buddies here at home bc their advice has become counter to my goal of saving M. They and family are starting to think that I should move on. I think that they are beginning to view me as a doormat in this situation. But they haven't walked a mile in my shoes so to speak. Plus, I get sick of answering the Q "how is it going with W"... bc I don't have any answers and nothing changes on sitch from one day to another right now.